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A Failed Friendship: Grief and Trust Issues

Hi all,

I'm pretty new to the site. I'm not used to reaching out for help online so we'll see how this goes. I'm relatively young, and I'm taking this as a chance to break down my whole situation and analyse everything myself. Asking for advice from my peers hasn't gotten me very far in fixing the problem at hand so I thought I'd take a different approach and ask the beautiful souls here!

 

I'll start.

 

In December last year, I had a fall out with my best friend (Let's call him John), who I had grown to love and care for so much. He was diplomatic, kind and responsible. He was something special. Complications arose in our year-long friendship after I developed feelings for him, and, in a desperate attempt to rid said 'feelings', I ended up pushing him away. I was very aware that he didn't reciprocate my feelings. John was already talking to another person, and the last thing I wanted to do was interfere, because the other person was also another good friend of mine. When I'd placed this distance between us, it only created more problems - we were arguing (and we had never fought before).

 

This January, I apologized for pushing him away and causing so much trouble - at this point, he knew about my feelings. He understood and although he forgave me and we stood on OK terms, our friendship hasn't been the same since.

 

In February, we would see each other at school and engage in the occasional chit-chat. I would also receive a text from him every now and then. I refrained from speaking to him regularly like we used to, as I was still trying to pick myself up and move on. The distance was still there, but we both sorta continued with our different lives. My feelings remained

 

In March, things continued as they were the previous month. Except, I was becoming unusually distraught about the distance between us. I had hoped that things would have returned to normal by then, but that was not the case. John had been speaking with his soon-to-be significant other more frequently. I feared that I would be replaced. 

 

During April, we didn't speak. Perhaps, if we were seated next to each other in class, we'd chat a little bit like any old friend would, but this was as far as it would get. I'd misinformed him that I didn't like him anymore, and had fully moved on, because I didn't want him to worry about me. The feeling of loss was bringing me down slowly, but surely.

 

May is when things started going downhill. Fast. I grew depressed (not clinically) and my friends noticed this. They could only offer me support on the matter, but not advice, as they found it hard to relate. As much as I appreciated it, it didn't help me at all, and I felt alone. I didn't enjoy life as much. I withdrew from my friends and rarely spoke with them. I couldn't concentrate on anything without thinking about John. Getting out of bed became harder (and not just because of this unforgivingly-cold weather) It didn't help that I had to see him and his newly-established girlfriend together everyday at school. I was afraid of reconciling with him. To get close to him and try to become his best friend again is just setting myself up for disappointment.  

 

Additionally, when I had confided in my friends (2) about the situation, one of them had blabbed to a particular person about it.

 

John's girlfriend.

 

Did she tell John? Probably. It's unlikely that she would have kept it to herself. Hell, she could have told so many other people. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable when I see my friends at school. I have no idea who knows what now, and it irritates me. This has tricked me into thinking that I can't trust anybody anymore.

 

We are now nearing the end of June, and I am so, so tired of this. I spend half my day closing my eyes, trying to plunge myself into a much more-preferred reality where everything didn't go to shit (excuse the language). I still miss him so much. More than you could imagine. I miss having people I could trust. If I didn't get too attached to him, I probably wouldn't be in this situation. And the worst part about this is that I don't think I could have prevented much of it.

 

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read my story. I know listening to the struggles of a teenager's social life isn't a favourable past-time activity, so I appreciate your incredible tolerance level. I understand my issues here aren't nearly as serious as everyone else's, but if you could leave a comment or word of advice here, then you are doing God's work! 

 

Re: A Failed Friendship: Grief and Trust Issues

Hey @Bread and welcome to the forums!
I think it's great that you have enough self-awareness to realise that you are struggling and that you are having trouble trusting people.
Some advice that might help you trust people a little more is to try and find friends outside of your school where it is unlikely you will see them often. If you have any special interests or hobbies perhaps your local area will have a club or groups where you can chat to people with the same interests as you? This can help especially because there is no commitment for you go every single time, such as there is with school and seeing the same people everyday.
You could even do some volunteering if that is something your interested in for an organisation near you to take your mind off things and find something that you are passionate about and meet some new people.
There's also a billion (almost) threads here like the games section and hangout area where there's a whole heap of people in similar situations to yours who also want someone to chat to
Hope this helps a bit!

Re: A Failed Friendship: Grief and Trust Issues

Hi @not-an-otter

Thankyou for your input <3 Your advice is very helpful. I will definitely look into that and see what catches my interest Smiley Happy

Re: A Failed Friendship: Grief and Trust Issues

Hey there @Bread, and welcome to the forums. If you interpret this as me not caring, please know that I'm struggling right now too.

I know exactly how you're feeling. I started drifting away from my friends, especially when they left me for another group of friends. I became depressed (also not clinically), and made a comment I didn't mean to make.
I don't think I would've been able to prevent much of last year either.

I'm so sorry if I'm not much help today, I'm really struggling tonight. I promise I can try to help more in the future, I just can't help it this evening.
I hope you can chat to me when you need someone to talk to.

//Nothing is impossible. The word itself says "I'm Possible"//

Re: A Failed Friendship: Grief and Trust Issues

Hey @Bread, thanks for sharing that here with us and welcome aboard! Heart The support shown so far has seemed to be valuable to you. It can be difficult for friends to know the right thing to say and that can really suck. The situation that you are in sounds really complex and it must be so difficult to be around John and his new girlfriend. These types of things are hard on their own without adding that into the mix. Are there any strategies that you have tried so far to get you through this? Do you have any hobbies or activities you enjoy doing? If you feel like things have not improved, professional help can come in handy. It might be a good idea to talk this out with a health professional if you feel like things are getting worse. We have some services here plus eHeadspace that provide immediate support which other users find beneficial Smiley Happy You could also engage with a counselor or psychologist which can explore what is going on for you in great depth. You can begin this process by heading to your GP and seeking a mental health treatment plan. Is this something you have mentioned to your parents? It must feel isolating to feel like you are going through this alone Smiley Sad

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Re: A Failed Friendship: Grief and Trust Issues

Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx
Please don't sweat yourself! Just sharing your story with me and expressing your concern is very supportive. Thank you so much for reading my post.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're not at your best at the moment. I would also like to offer my support on the matter. If you would like to get some things off your chest (because I know that helps me) then I will be here to listen. I might not give the best advice, but I promise that I will try <3

All the best <3

Re: A Failed Friendship: Grief and Trust Issues

That's okay @Bread.
I have got a thread too, so if you see my one, it explains a lot there.
Thank you, and I'm here for you too.

//Nothing is impossible. The word itself says "I'm Possible//

Re: A Failed Friendship: Grief and Trust Issues

Hi @Taylor-RO
The amount of support I'm receiving on these forums is heartwarming. I can see that the community here is very attentive and caring. I spoke with a counsellor a couple of days ago when I was at my absolute lowest and felt that I couldn't figure out how to approach the situation on my own. She was able to talk me through what I was feeling - which she was able to identify as grief - and suggested that I begin to consciously engage in things/activities that make me happy. For the past couple months I've only been dwelling on the situation, but after the piece of advice from her, I've been trying to push myself to appreciate the good in life. Things are improving slowly - but improving, nonetheless. While I can now share a laugh with my friends at school and genuinely enjoy myself with them, it's difficult to know that the trust I had for them is no longer there. It makes things seem so fake. And it's horrible, because even though the people I can't trust are only of a small minority (3 people) within my large friend group, I've grown to believe I can't trust anyone now. This is why I've labelled it as a trust issue.
I'm thinking about befriending people in higher grades at my school because they seem really friendly and funny, and I'm trying to work myself up to that.

I have mentioned this to my single father, and although he was able to give me support on the matter, he wasn't able to provide much advice. I love him dearly for listening to me get it off my chest. There's only so much a dad can do about his teenage daughter's social life.

And yes, it definitely does feel kinda isolating to know that I don't have anyone to ask for advice in my real life. But who the advice comes from doesn't matter to me at this point. I just need all the help I can get.

Thankyou for responding with advice and offering some services, I will make sure to check them out ASAP. I hope that nothing as serious as a mental health treatment is something I have to resort to.

All the best <3

Re: A Failed Friendship: Grief and Trust Issues

Hey @Bread I'm glad things are going better for you right now and I think its great that you are trying to focus on the positive things in your life Smiley Happy

 

I think making friends in older year levels is a really good idea if that's what you think is best, because they can often be more mature and friendly towards you (plus all the great advice your bound to receive Smiley Tongue

Also as you get older, age starts to become less and less of a factor when it comes to friendships and not all of your friends are going to be the ones you made in school that are the same age.