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A topic that ended with pointless blabber

I dont know how to say all this but it kind of feels whenever I try to talk to someone, it all just seems like effort and it turns to shit. So I'm going to say it here, hoping I dont get too anxious about being judged by everyone here. I've posted on here before, but I cant seem to really be able to translate my real thoughts my real ideas, without reading back and seeing how pathetic I was when I wrote that and I probably will look at this post later and think why.... what compelled me to say that. I really hope you can just respect me and what I say, and I'm not trying to offend anyone in anyway.

 

So, Monday I woke up and I wanted to commit suicide, there is really nothing more to it than that. I'd had a few dreams that night having woken up alot that night, and they all involved some variation of me commiting, or contemplating suicide in various ways. It was my first day off of work in 3 weeks, so I could literally do what I do best, eat food and sit around and do nothing. I kept thinking about how much I just "wanted" to go and [end my life].. I remember just walking down the road, trying to talk to someone anyone on my phone, so I could try and stop myself really, because in reality I don't want to fall victim to my own unwanted thoughts. I would usually try and talk to someone on eheadspace, but as per usual its busy, so I'm alone. I stop at the park and lay down on the grass for a while wondering why, why do I have to feel this way for no apparent reason at all. I left my house with every intention never to return. I looked behind at my room, utterly empty. I didnt care if I saw none of it again. But anyway, I laid on the grass in the park upset, wondering why. Why can't I just be happy, whatever did I do in my life to be plagued by my thoughts and ideas of constant negativity and darkness. People say we have to want to change, we have to do it all our selves if we want to move on and be happy and whatever else people try to bullshit. If being happy was as simple as moving on from things and getting a "different" perspective on life dont they think we would take it. I didnt know what to say to people as I flicked through my phone looking for someone who could give me company, someone who could take my mind off my thoughts. I laid there for an hour before I decided to keep walking.  Hitting the highway I just walked past the cars zooming past.  I was listening to the Brit pop Breakfast playlist by Spotify Uk. Now I havent thought about seriously, attempting suicide in 4 years. 

 

Now is where you think melodramatic much, well here or before reading my recount of one unimportant day, but it felt pretty significant to me. And I guess its good putting it into words, to get a clearer picture I guess. Now I guess I'm struggling, and I'm not entirely sure what to do now, clearly I didnt die, I went a saw a friend who was with me the last time I physically attempted suicide, this time the situations were a little different, but I guess it kept my mind off things for a few hours. what I hate most is I dont look like I need help, I look like a very together person with her life figured out, I may appear thaton the outside I guess, but I'm really just very lost. I'm studying full time at uni whilst working full time hours at an extremely busy and stressful coffee store, and trying to fit uni in is just difficult even though its all I have to aim for right now. Even though I'm struggling to get the work done. Because i cant focus on the course work without dieing of boredom, and that might be adhd/add which I was diagnosed with as a kid, but as I'm older I'm dont really know what is real. Is it just myself holding me back or is there a real problem. Am I really depressed or am I just telling myself that because it feels pretty dam real, except i dont really know what is real. I dont know if I can trust myself anymore, is anything I'm thinking and feeling real, what is just my imagination. Am I just making up magical problems, or are there real problems here. Is the suicidal thoughts that feel like they are on constant replay really there, or am I just telling myself they are there? If that makes any sense at all.

 

I guess I'm just trying to look for someone who understands, and will tell me what I want to hear. I just feel like I'm trying to ask for help, in a way but I dont know how, to communicate it in real words, other than written/typed. I guess thats why I attempted suicide in the first place, because I had no other way of communicating my feelings, because if I tried to say something, I would be pinned as weak and stupid and an attention seeker. When seeking attention isnt the point, evaded having attention on me my entire life, its not about havng everyone's attention its wanting to find that one person who actually cares and will make you feel safe i guess, in a way anyway. Ignore my horrendous grammar btw. This is as far as my attention span goes for this thread/post/thing.

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Re: A topic that ended with pointless blabber

Hey @endommage , really glad that you were able to get this all written down and reached out to us here. Sounds like it's been an incredibly tough few days, you've described negatively and darkness and since Monday been thinking about ending your life. It must be a deep sadness that you are feeling. Something that stands out to me about you is that you've postponed acting on your suicidal feelings long enough to come here and telling us about it.You've also attempted to contact eheadspace, it's really impressive to hear that you are trying to get the help that you deserve.

 

There is a part of you that has kept you alive so far to bring you here and it's important you focus on what part of you it is (no matter how small) that wants to live. That part of you that does not want to end your life, but does want to feel the relief of pain passing - you have to be alive to feel that.

 

I know you mentioned that eheadspace was too busy but there are people out there who can help you and it's up to you now to keep reaching out and get in touch with Sucide Call Back Service (SCBS) You can do it by phone (1300 659 467) or webchat. Of course we want to talk to you here too, but it's important that you also get some one-on-one support.

 

You are not alone and I'm glad that you have turned to us. Now that you have posted out here - you could even copy&paste what you have written here into the webchat at SCBS and that way you get to speak to someone one on one. The counsellors are there for you 24 hours to help you figure things out and make sense of your darkness and negativity.

 

Have you had a look at this? It's got a coping toolkit, and some other practical ideas. You might also get something out of reading how other people have got through their suicidal thoughts and lived? There is this story or have a browse.

 

We care about you and want to make sure that you live - do you think you'll be able to give SCBS a go?

 

ps. I just had to take out a small part of your post that described a method, just to keep everyone safe.

Online Community Manager

ReachOut.com

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Re: A topic that ended with pointless blabber

hey @endommage 

 

one of the hardest things about depression is that no one can physically see just how much you are struggling on the inside. people don really stop and talk to you, or check that everythings okay, like they might with someone who they could physically see something wrong with. so it's really tough for everyone who is suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts to know how to communicate exactly what's going on and how they feel… but just because other people don't notice right away, or its hard to talk about it, doesn't mean the way you feel isn't "real". 

 

you said that sometimes you feel like you're just telling yourself that you're depressed and that you feel like you're making up magical problems - but i think you sound like someone who is really self aware, so if you've noticed signs of depression and are dealing with suicidal thoughts, don't feel like you have to ignore it or just pretend its not there because of what other people might say? keep reaching out for some support, because you don't have to go through this alone! it's great that you have reached out to us, and tried to get in contact with eheadspace.

 

i think it's really important to remember too that everyone copes with things differently. so there is no 'wrong' or 'right' way to deal with uni, working hours, study and friends and family. some people deal well in certain areas that others, and vice versa. you are an individual with individual needs - so if you feel like you need a little bit of help to time manage or talk out thoughts you're having then that's completely okay and definitely something you should do. 

 

i'm really glad you've got some friends in your life that can make you feel better. even if you only see them for a few hours or call them for a few minutes, it's great that they can take your mind off things temporarily. sometimes it's just about doing the things that WILL get you through the short term. what other things do you do that get you through when you're feeling down? sometimes i hang out with my dogs because they are just so loving that no matter how sad i get they can make me feel better. do you have any pets?

 

i'm really glad you've come on to the forums to share your story. it is such a courageous thing to do, and you are providing so much support to others in the RO community just by speaking up. i know i'm not you, and i might not understand the ins and outs of everything happening in your life right now because i've only just met you on the forums, but i do understand where you are coming from. and i do understand that being depressed is a really consuming and difficult thing to go through. but we will be here to help you when you need someone to talk to. and don't forget the suicide callback line is there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

 

lanejane
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Re: A topic that ended with pointless blabber

Hey @endommage

I cant imagine how difficult it is for you feeling darkness and unhappiness. I see light in what you wrote because you woke up feeling like this was it for you and you were going to end your life and you stopped, you came home and you decided to write this about how you are feeling. Wow, what strength and power for you to turn away and choose to live.

Keep trying to seek help, if one person is not willing to understand or help you, then there are a 1000 more who understand how you feel and what you are going through. There are people who are looking at your post right now, who may be in the same position as you are and you have encouraged them to hold on longer.

You said you haven't seriously thought about attempting in 4 years, what has brought you to that point now? and How did you stay safe for 4 years?

Stay safe and we are here for you.
_________________________________________________
**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**
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Re: A topic that ended with pointless blabber

Hey @endommage , I just wanted to thank you for sharing that... I feel as though I can relate to some of what you've said but can't find the words to say it for myself.

 

I hope you can get in contact with eheadspace, kids helpline or another service because it can really help just to get a bit of external input when those type of thoughts become that pervasive.

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Re: A topic that ended with pointless blabber

Hey @endommage 

 

How's it going today?

 

Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story. It shows great insight into your thoughts and feelings. 

 

It' interesting that say you don''t know how to commmunicate with people and yet with your post you communicate so beautifully. You've clearly touched a lot of people with your words.

 

Maybe writing things down could be a way of learning about yourself. Have you ever kept a journal?

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Re: A topic that ended with pointless blabber

It's difficult to reply to all the replies at once so I'll reply one at a time where needed if so.
@Sophie-RO I kind of sensed that part of my post would be a little sensitive I guess. I find it pretty difficult to trust in talking to suicide help websites like life line and suicide call back line because I don't know what would happen if I said the wrong thing, as I know that if something could happen to me and if I were seriously going to do it, I don't like the idea of my privacy being invaded etc. And I find with eheadspace and kids help they always have to double check, I have to reassure them I have no intent. When life line and suicide help are specially dedicated to those situations. If you understand what I mean. Being slightly paranoid I guess.
@lanejane I guess all I do when I'm sad or down is I try to sleep it off or watch endless tv shows to distract me, but knowing that probably isn't very good for me in the long run, probably wouldn't change anything I guess. I do have a cat but she's with my parents at the moment having moved out of home. So I can't see her and I guess she was always good company to have to keep me warm and less alone. I don't think it really helped me though. I guess when you say I'm self aware, and how I think I'm just telling myself I'm depressed and it's not real, i think that is because I'm too aware of the signs I'm too analytical. And I guess it was up until 4 years ago when I realised I was depressed which would have been for atleast 4 years at that stage. And I don't feel it's real for that reason, it feels like I know it's there and for whatever reason the irrational side of me thinks that whatever I think is wrong and I guess I get that from being put down a lot from having friends and being around people who would tell me what I would say is weird or stupid or wrong and this goes into another query from here where I am told how I say I can't communicate to people very well, but can here. It's different I guess your not as easily judged by your appearance your behaviour and the way you do say things, on here and I don't get as stressed out about people's responses when it's on the internet.
@ruenhonx You asked why I hadn't seriously thought about attempting suicide in 4 years and what had changed to make that something I wanted to do. I guess I may not have explained properly, I get suicidal thoughts all the time and 4 yrs ago I was in yr 10 in high school and I guess I reached that tipping point where I wanted to do it, mainly it was a way of communicating to my own parents my emotional pain I guess. It didn't work entirely they pretended it never happened and went along with life as it was. So I just saw it as slightly eh difficult to explain. Even though I wanted to die because I am constantly plagued by thoughts of various ways to do so, and I guess I have become accustomed to it and it's sometimes easier to ignore. What's different about 4 years ago and now I actually put it into action, I actually laid out the plans in my mind to do it. The first time I was completely numb to it, as I was going to do it I felt nothing. But on Monday, I didn't feel numb I felt really upset and empty and lost, I woke up with these various dreams running through my head reinforcing these thoughts I don't want over and over. So it was more of a that's it's I'm over it all situation.
I guess there's two sides of me, rational me and irrational me. Rational me doesn't want to die, doesn't want suicidal thoughts, she wants to go to uni and get her degree, she wants to earn money and save up to build her life, Rational me is who I am in text (most of the time) all she wants is to be happy and normal. But I find there's this side of me which is trying to kill me, it's the thoughts in my head that pushes through above all, it's the anxiety I get when someone rings me on my phone but I can't bare to pick it up, it's the paranoia when I'm worried someone is watching me through my webcam and tracking my every move via location services on my phone, it's the side of me that has left a empty hollow feeling inside for years, it's the side of me that wants to rip myself apart, to destroy what's left. But I can't stop it. Irrational me and Rational me is me not two separate people it's not not cutting off contact from a toxic friend who brings nothing but pain to your life. You can't escape from yourself you have to live with it. And a lot of the time I don't think I want to try anymore.
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Re: A topic that ended with pointless blabber

Hey @endommage - all of the helplines, whether it's eheadspace, kids helpline or lifeline/SCBS have to operate under the same privacy and confidentiality laws. Also, you can always ask them to tell you at the beginning of the call, for example, "when are the times when you will break confidentiality"... I hope you give it a go...

Online Community Manager

ReachOut.com

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Re: A topic that ended with pointless blabber

Hey @endommage - I just wanted to add my message of support. I hope you can take them next step and speak to someone at SCBS - even if you're not currently feeling at risk. Having a great support network to turn to is so important and helpful when you feel pain and dark thoughts.

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Re: A topic that ended with pointless blabber

Hi @endommage 

 

There have been some great comments and advice given here, so I won't add too much to that. 

 

I really admire your courage to push through in what you're going through and take steps to try and help yourself and distract from these thoughts and post on here. It's a great achievement so you should be proud of yourself for that. 

 

I would encourage you to seek help from one of the services mentioned above. I know you are fearful of what might happen, but but it's a great way to talk about what you're going through and get some help. These people are trained to talk to people having the types of thoughts and feelings you are having and they won't judge you or think you are crazy or making it up or anything like that. 

 

You mentioned that you wonder if these thoughts and feelings are real or if they're just imaginary and you're making them up. You are having these thoughts and feelings, they are real to you, therefore they are a real thing. It is ok to call it real. A lot of people in your situation wonder the same thing and I think sometimes that can be easier for the mind than having a firm answer when you're feeling so many mixed up emotions, but what you're going through is real for you, and you have every right to seek help for it, and there are plenty of people out there who don't judge. You mentioned that you are very analytical and that makes you wonder if you're telling yourself that you are depressed/suicidal etc. It can be easy when you are an analytical person to worry you are overthinking it, but being analytical can actually give you more insight into what you're thinking and feeling, and your suspicions are often more accurate, and in any case, if any finds themself actually wondering if they have depression or whatever else, it is often the case that they actually do. Also, being analytical can be helpful when reaching out for help because it can assist you to better understand and process what the person is telling you, what that means for you and how to apply it to your life. 

 

Rational and irrational brain. I can completely relate and I think you'd find that most people actually can relate to this in some way too. So know that you are not alone in being like that. Yes it can be frustrating at times and yes as you said, it something you have to live with and can't just separate away. But know, from a fellow rational vs irrational brain person, that it is very much possible to live with this and to learn to manage it better and for rational brain to win, so don't feel like you will be stuck as you are now for the rest of your live. Irrational brain gets louder when things are tough going, but rational brain never goes away, and by the sounds of it, you've used your rational brain well in this situation anyway to fight the thoughts and take action to distract and keep yourself safe and to post here. 

 

You also mentioned that you look like a very together person, but inside you are having all these struggles. That is very common and ok to be this way and it does not make what you're going through any less real or significant. You sound like you're pretty busy and things are pretty stressful at the moment. Although this can be a hard thing to do when you're busy and stressed and trying to fit so much it, make sure you take regular breaks and every now and then take some time out just for yourself and do something you enjoy. 

 

Keep posting and letting us all know how you are going. We all care about you and are interested to know what's going on. I know you worry about being judged, but we definitely don't, so feel free to be open here (within community guidelines) and keep in touch. 

 

~Randomness