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Alone

Hi, I am new to this. I actually don't know where to start and just thinking of putting this down in black and white is starting to make me think that I should just forget about it but here goes. 

 

Ok so I come from a broken home am the eldest not married or have any children but have alot of experience with children and life. My younger sister is married with children but she was nowhere ready for that life. My father tried to commit suicide many years back. He also have an aneurism a few years prior. Before that I used to want mum and dad to split and hated dad. He was overprotective to the point I was almost a prisoner in my own home. My younger brother won't talk to us anymore as he feels we are not to his standard. Anyway growing up mum was never there for me, however she would always be there for my sister and brother as he had ADD. My sister was apparently always by her side and mum said she never knew where I was. I would always be in charge of my siblings to the point where if one of them hurt themselves or something it was my fault. We moved schools alot well for me anyway. I ended up at this catholic school that was far from catholic. I used to get bullied and when mum found out nothing was done as the students bullying me were saying they weren't and the school had no evidence. I hated school. 

 

Anyway I turned 13 and started smoking and self-harming. Then had sex. Then wanted to die. At 16 I was raped. Moved out of home with a guy who was no good for me. I went to mum once and told her I wanted a baby, she said she would never look after the baby or me. Anyway other things happened was a victim of violence etc....dealt with that but will never have a relationship as I am happier on my own than with a man who will only treat me like shit and I would have to roll over for. However I tried to committ suicide three times in my life all failed of course. They said if I do it again I will go to graylands. So I googled how to do it and succeed and came accross this site. 

 

It is my birthday today and dads new girlfriend wanted to go away and didn't care it was my birthday. Nan had plans with me until the other family was coming over and said she can not be with me as she has plans now with these people who she doesn't see alot, granted I live around the corner. My neice was sick but whenever my sister calls for mum she drops everything to be there for her to help with anything for anything. She woke me up this morning to tell me she was going to my sisters. I rolled over ignored her. She then came back in and said see you later, I said why can I not come with you, she said yeah sure get ready. I went up there yesterday and today for my birthday and easter my sister couldn't care less I was there she just wanted mum. We eventually left so we could spend what little time was left of my birthday together then my sister rings up saying drop me off and come back up I need you mum. So she does just that. Last weekend I was sick in bed for days and my mother stayed away cause she said I made her angry or something. I just wanted her with me. We went through how I felt and she responded lovingly but then again the same thing happens, drops everything. She has mum on strings and when she is there whatever advice mum gives is always wrong. She is doing this attachment parenting or something and I studied childcare and nursing and I am still not a trustworthy source of advice for her so I go there and say nothing. She messages me all angry saying her baby is sick and she needed mum but we were there all day and she didn't even put the baby down for one second to look after the sick one. Her husband was home today too. She made a rod for her own back. No she says I don't care about her kids. I told her it's not about her. No matter what I say her reply was her child is sick and thats priority and I don;t care. Its always about her and my family don't care about me. Mum is up there all the time and then gets tired and who is left at the end of the day me to pick up the pieces and I am struggling with my own demons. Then mum messages me to say the child is asleep and hopes I am feeling ok. after telling me before she left I shouldn't be upset and hopes she doesn';t have to go through the same thing as last weekend. She didn't hear me at all.

 

I just want to disappear. go away from everyone. I don't earn enough to move out

Re: Alone

Hi Unloved, welcome to Reach Out - and happy birthday! I'm so sorry it wasn't celebrated the way it should have been, and the way you deserved to have it celebrated.

 

You have had a really hard life and you sound like you are in a lot of pain - to the extent that you want to end your life. You said you were looking for ways to commit suicide and you found us instead. I am so very happy that you did. You are an incredibly strong person to have been through all that you have been and still be standing. That strong, courageous part inside of you wants to keep living, but it does want to escape your pain and suffering.

 

Have you spoken to anyone else about how you are feeling? It was so brave of you to come here and share your story and you should be proud of yourself. You need to keep on that journey of speaking out about how you feel and get the help you deserve.

 

The counsellors at Lifeline (13 11 14)  are there for you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to help you make sense of your pain and frustration. They will listen to you and help you to feel less alone with your pain. It's important that you call them and keep reaching out.

 

Our community here at Reach Out is ready to listen and support you in every way we can, but we are not a crisis service. If you feel suicidal again, please call the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 65 94 67. Promise yourself that you will wait 24 hours before you do anything and find an activity you enjoy - such as taking a bath, going for a walk, watching a funny movie or spending time with friends. Write down your thoughts and feelings and get them out of your head, and remember to write down the things in you life you do appreciate and enjoy.

 

There are people out there who can help you (like Lifeline - 13 11 14) to start on your journey to healing. You've bravely taken the first step, and I hope you will continue to reach out.

Re: Alone

Thankyou. I woke up today with a nasty message from my sister. She has disowned me and tells me I don't care about her family. Seriously, why do I have to do things for people to feel loved. I have such a bad headache and been sick all day on my own. I just want some TLC. Maybe when I manage to get to sleep I might wake up with a different outlook. 

Re: Alone

Hi unloved, you chose to come to this site and that shows there is a part of you that wants to live. You sound like you want something to change, and you need to beleive that the change can come from you if you take action towards help.
You sounds like someone who wants the pain to go away. Ending your life is not the way to have the emotional pain go away because you have to be alive to feel relief from that emotional pain. I really urge you to call Suicide Call Back service or chat with their counsellors online. They can help you make the change you need so that you make it through these dark days and through to a different day.

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 65 94 67 or
www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au

Online Community Manager

ReachOut.com