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Am i overreacting or is this a normal relationship

This is my first post here, and i was just wondering if people think i am overreacting. 

I am a 26 year old man who has been in a relationship for the last two and a half years, I moved in with my girlfriend about a year and a half ago in the hopes that things would improve as things were already not going well.

I met my girlfriend on an internet dating site, and we talked for about two months before we met up and started dating, at first things seemed to be going well. I knew that she had been talking to other boys on the dating site just like I had been talking to other girls, and I was totally cool with that as we were both still single at the time. However I started to get a little bit concerned after we had been dating for 3 months and she was still talking with these people and meeting up with them. 

One of her internet friends was particularly creepy as he was in his 30’s, knew where she lived and would randomly drop in on her unannounced, eventually he moved into an apartment only one block away from where she lived. One day he invited her back to his place, tried to get her drunk while watching a pornographic movie and then confess his love for her.

This friend had taken a dislike to me seeing as I was dating the girl who he was obsessed about, so he decided to try and get rid of me by suggesting my girlfriend become polyamorous, and that she explore her bisexual side, so much so that he even started trying to introduce her to young lesbian and bisexual girls who he had also groomed from the internet.

My girlfriend would often invite her internet friends over to her house for dinner, I often helped her prepare dinner, it was awful as often they would obsessively compete with each other to talk to her, often ignoring me unless they were taking a stab at me or my job. On one occasion they even suggested that she cheat on me while I was sitting there at the table. I’m not sure why I put up with this, but I was besotted with her at the time.

I decided to move in with her after she seriously started considering moving in with her creepy 30 year old internet friend and his bisexual internet girls. I thought that by moving in with her I might be able to protect her from this insane creepiness.

We moved in together in a little house in the suburbs close to a train station so that we could both get to uni easily, it even had a few spare rooms so that we could get a housemate to help out with the rent. Things were going well for a while, but on our housewarming party she invited three of her male internet dating site friends over as well as one of the 30 year old guys lesbian friends.  The evening was horrible, and I’m still shocked by it to this day, how rudely I was treated by her friends and how fine with it she was. To add insult to injury she asked me to drive one of them home afterwards.

I pointed out to her how hurt I was, and for a while she cooled off these friends, although she was still in contact over the net, I latter found out that one of them sent her a dirty movie of him with a girl he had started seeing.

At this point we had been dating for over a year, and when I found out that her father was coming to town for a visit, I assumed that I would be introduced. However this did not happen, I was told that her father wouldn’t approve of her daughter living with a white boy, so she went and stayed with her father in a city hotel for a week. I was not allowed to meet that father, however she was happy for me to pack her a suitcase and bring it to the hotel taking special care not to be seen by him.

At this point I really did feel pretty shit about myself. I started talking to my friends a lot on facebook, and reconnected with old friends, often asking advice. What I did not realise was that she was reading all of my facebook, email and sms messages. She accused me of talking badly about her behind her back and trying to sleep with all of my female friends, something that I was not trying to do at all. In the end I could not leave my computer unattended without logging out or deleting my internet history. Once she could not keep tabs on my online activities she started getting very annoyed whenever I used my computer. She even made a fake profile that looked like the profile of a girl that I once had a school crush on, friended me and tried to talk dirty to me on chat.

I deleted facebook after these incidents as I could simply not handle the drama anymore. This also had the consequence that I was now alienated from most of my friends. Within a few months of this I hadn’t spoken to anyone, and found getting out of the house to see my family to be difficult as some drama would always erupt just before I was about to leave.

These days I only go out of the hose to go to uni, but she knows my timetable and what times I should be back, and occasionally to visit my family. Although I am often accused of cheating on her upon my return. I am constantly walking on eggshells as she brings up past things that I have done (such as once calling her the wrong name in the emergency room of a hospital when I was stressed out) or arguments we have had where I was unreasonable. I feel that I can’t be myself anymore, I have to watch what I say, I can’t have any friends, especially female ones, and I’m being kept away from my family. She constantly accuses me of cheating on her with other women, but will then at other times accuse me of being gay, I never know what insult to expect.

I feel responsible for this situation though seeing as I was the one who suggested we move into a suburban house, and I worry that by doing this I’m keeping her away from the city and city life.

 

I am not sure what to do anymore, any advice would be appreciated.

Re: Am i overreacting or is this a normal relationship

hey noideawhyimhere,

 

Welcome to Reach Out. It's awesome that you decided to come here and post about your relationship. It can be really hard to be in a relationship and wonder if the behaviour of your partner is acceptable and whether the relationship itself is 'normal'. 

The description you've given of the behaviour of your partner would certainly not be ok with me but I guess, ultimately, the important thing is whether it's ok wih you.

A relationship only has value if it brings positive, healthy things into your life. If, however, it constantly leaves you feeling unsure, upset and insecure then it may be worth looking at whether this is something you want to continue.

MensLine Australia is a service you can call and get phone support regarding relationship issues. You can talk to a counsellor anonomously, if you want, and they are also able to put you in touch with local services that provide face to face support. You might find talking to someone about your relationship will help provide you with the clarity you need.

Let us know how you go.

Re: Am i overreacting or is this a normal relationship

You are right, there are far more bad times than good times, and during the good times you are constantly on edge waiting for a nasty remark of a bout of sulking. I guess I am staying because I worry about how she will cope without someone around, she has made it clear before that she has abandonment issues, and has lost the plot the last time I tried to leave. I feel awful because maybe i am overreacting. Maybe I am looking for any excuse to get out of the relationship, maybe I the idea of being young and single is too alluring to me. 

Re: Am i overreacting or is this a normal relationship

Hey there - just wanted to add that I also think that you could benefit from chatting it through with the folks at Mensline... It does sound like your relationship is not the healthiest, so chatting it through with an impartial counsellor could be a great help....

Online Community Manager

ReachOut.com

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Re: Am i overreacting or is this a normal relationship

Hi noideawhyimhere,

 

You sound like you are torn with what to do, which is completely understandable considering your description of your situation that you provided. I guess I thought I would reply to your post to emphasize how important it is that you look after yourself. Sometimes one of the most difficult things in life is learning to put yourself first. Often this is compromised when we become selfless and we worry about how someone else may feel, or act etc but in the mean time you are still feeling pretty confused about everything. Some us naturally put the feelings and needs of other before our own. I am not saying this is a bad thing (as I am the same). But when it is impacting on your life in a not so positive way then it probably isnt the best thing.

 

Look after yourself,

LL

 

 

Re: Am i overreacting or is this a normal relationship

Those looks like some signs of an abusive relationship.. http://au.reachout.com/Signs-of-an-abusive-relationship. Hope this helps you and it's definitely not a normal or healthy relationship. Trust me, I'm going through the same thing with my boyfriend.