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Angry

Sorry to make another post, I know I've made a lot lately. It's just that ever since starting my new treatment I've felt angry all the time.  

 

I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at my parents. I'm angry at the people who don't speak to me anymore. I'm angry at the DBT program. I'm angry at the mental health system. I'm angry at my university. I'm angry at the government. I'm angry at society. 

 

I know that a lot of it is fear - I'm not angry that I'm facing unemployment when I graduate, I'm scared. I'm not angry at my old friends, I'm terrified that they're not okay. 

 

But still. I feel like I'm under pressure to let go of all this anger. And I don't want to. Maybe that makes me a stereotype and maybe it's stupid since some of the things I'm angry about are already over. I start feeling that I'm rational to be angry, about some things at least, and then people come in being all reasonable and explaining why nothing I thought was wrong is actually wrong, because I'm an emotional borderline woman. 

The worst thing is knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do. 

 

It's making it hard for me to study or do therapy homework. I know how to distract and soothe myself and stuff I just wish things weren't like this and that I wasn't so powerless to do anything about them. 

Re: Angry

@DruidChild, it's a good thing you made this post, okay? ReachOut exists to help people, and if you need more help with coping than other people, that's okay. It's okay to be different like that. It's very understandable that you're angry with everything, life's a load of shit and people will say to accept it, but some things just can't be accepted and that's okay. Don't feel like you're under pressure to stop being you. Sometimes it is rational to be angry with life and everything going on, and that's just the way things are. Some things will happen that we can't stop, and I'm not saying that you need to fully accept those things, but just understand that things will happen beyond your control. Its good to be angry sometimes. Its better to accept that bad things happen and will continue to happen than to live in a fantasy world where everything will get better. I don't know if I've really communicated my message well here, but I just want to say, as a final message, that life's crappy and its okay to be angry.

Sincerely and yes this has aimed to be a heartfelt message, Zelda

Re: Angry

@DruidChild I just want to reiterate what @Zeldasmile has put so well - it's ok to be angry, and it's ok to reach out. 

Something someone said to me recently when I was feeling angry, is that "being angry is a sign you still care", and that resonated with me. 

Being angry can show us what we care about, and what standards we have for ourselves and others. Anger can help us to realise things about ourselves, and about how we want things to be, and motivate us to take action.  With that in mind, it can be easier to process and move through the anger. But if you'e not ready to do that, that's ok too. 

And you're right that anger can often be an extension of fear. All of those things you've mentioned are really valid reasons to be fearful. I'm sorry to hear that there is so much that you're holding at the moment. 

Heart

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I'm leaving ReachOut on the 5th of June Smiley Sad Say goodbye here

Re: Angry

@Zeldasmile @gina-RO Thank you both for your thoughtful responses Heart You have no idea how much of a relief it is to be told that it's okay to be angry. I just feel like everything has been taken from me and the only thing left is anger; I don't want to let that go when it's all I have left. 

Re: Angry

@DruidChild I hope you are ok today it is perfectly fine and ok to be angry but maybe try and channel it so that it doesn't eat away at you. Break some old plates, tear up a bunch of paper, punch a punching bag, scream into a pillow anything but letting it fester inside of you can make things hurt even more in my experience anyway. But again if you want to sit with it that is fine too whatever works for YOU. 

Re: Angry

Thank you @Eden1717, that's good advice and I'll definitely try it out. It's good to talk to you btw, I hope things have been okay for you lately Heart

 

I talked to the therapist I see now today and honestly it...kind of broke me. She asked whether I had done anything that might have contributed to a friend not contacting me anymore and it just made me realise yeah, I'm not a very nice person to be around. I didn't help her as much I thought I did. All of that pain of the loss is actually completely my fault. I want to destroy everything that reminds me of her because I hurt her and I can't live with that. 

It turns out everyone else was right. I am stupid and I have no insight into myself. The people who punished me for it were right, and I was wrong. I don't wanna do this anymore. 

Re: Angry

Hey there @DruidChild , thanks for posting and letting us know how it all went with the therapist, even though it sounds like a really difficult and painful session. 

 

I can hear that you are feeling really down about yourself, and having some pretty negative thoughts about who you are.
I just want to remind you that everyone gets angry - it's human, and that every single person will hurt other people - especially those closest to us - again because we are human. It doesn't sound like you've intentionally hurt anyone, and you are trying to do the right thing - that is all we can do! We don't' always know the right thing to do or say, and that's ok. You don't deserve punishment for that. 

 

We can however, learn from these things. 

Please be compassionate towards yourself.  Heart

 

What have you got planned for the rest of the day? 

What can you do to be looking after yourself? 

_____________________________________________
I'm leaving ReachOut on the 5th of June Smiley Sad Say goodbye here

Re: Angry

Thanks @gina-RO. I don't know if I believe that I don't deserve punishment though. I've been putting everything my friend ever gave me into a box and hiding it; I don't deserve to have anything she gave me.

I just want to keep my head down and be compliant. I thought I had a right to justice but I was wrong - I was never the victim. I was always the villain. 

I'm just going to watch TV shows until I can pretend to sleep. It's the only way to stop my mind spiralling into how much I hate myself. And that'd be dangerous. 

Re: Angry

@DruidChild I'm sorry your psych session was so difficult for you <3 -hugs-
I agree with @gina-RO that I don't think you meant to deliberately hurt your friend. We are human, and as humans we make mistakes - I don't know of anyone who hasn't made a mistake of some sort!

Watching some tv shows sounds nice, what are you watching? Smiley Happy

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: Angry

Thank you @Bee Heart -hugs back-

I've been watching the new series of Doctor Who, and binge watching another show I discovered recently called The 100.