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Re: Angry

@DruidChild I don't want to minimise your pain at all, I know worthlessness can feel so real and immense. You're so very valued though. Despite what your external world looks like right now, you are an intelligent and strong human being with a lot of worth. I am concerned about you at the moment, are you able to stay safe? Do you need further support from a helpline?

Re: Angry

@DruidChild i know the feeling of worthlessness but you are very lovedHeart what did you do distract yourself this arvo/evening ? are you safe tonight ? 

here to listen x

Re: Angry

@Bree-RO Yeah I’ll be safe. I see someone on Monday so I’m kinda at least waiting till then to get a second opinion and hopefully a little relief. 

 

Thanks @litgym Heart I’m listening to podcasts atm - I’m usually better at soothing type distraction but I’m genuinely just trying to think about anything else rn. 

Re: Angry

Hopefully seeing someone tomorrow helps @DruidChild

Sorry for not responding last night, I was lost for words.
I hear how hard it is. I know feeling worthless can be a very difficult emotion to sit with. Is there anyhing that usually helps you cope through these difficult emotions?

For me distraction helps - music, colouring in, being on RO and helping others, or the games section, or I go to netflix and try to live in a tv series Smiley Tongue

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: Angry

Don't feel bad @Bee, you're never obligated to reply to anything! Heart Distractions are what work best for me too! Netflix and podcasts mostly. I should try and force myself to do some studying, then I'll probably go back to those. It's hard because I feel so deeply like I don't deserve those things. But I've already self harmed and used my ED stuff to cope so I should at least make an effort to stop myself doing it multiple times in a day. 

 

The appt today...didn't really help. I feel bad for being so nihilistic and bitter with therapists who are honestly just trying to help me - I should at least attempt to be more positive. All I can talk about is how much I hate everything and myself and want to die. I am such an awful person. 

 

Re: Angry

hey @DruidChild - what podcasts do you listen to? I find them a good distraction too - I like that you can go for a walk and listen to them, as I find for me the movement helps me to feel better too Smiley Happy 

It's that time of year hey - study time.

 

Sorry to hear the appt didn't help - it sucks to feel bad after your sessions  - could you try a different approach in the sessions? Talk about something that's less.. introspective? Like specific behaviours you'd like to stop - like the ED/ self-harming? If it's not helpful at the moment to talk about your thoughts and feelings, you could try a more practical approach and stay away from motivations for the time being? 

Just a thought. 

 

I want to check too, that your thoughts about wanting to die, are just thoughts at the moment? Do you have plans to act on them?

 

Re: Angry

@gina-RO mostly true crime ones and ones about LGBT+ issues! With my fave ones it's nice because the voices are so familiar that it's really soothing when I'm upset - kinda like having friends. What about you? 

 

Hmm I appreciate the suggestion. It's less though that talking about it makes me feel bad - it's more just that I feel like a bad person for not being more grateful and not getting better faster when people are trying to help me. It's kind of complicated with how my therapy is at the moment, but basically 85% of it IS already just behaviour modification. I don't get much of a chance to talk about feelings etc. But when I do, like today, I feel guilty because I feel like me still being sick might make my therapist feel bad or like me less. It doesn't hurt me to talk about these things because I am already consumed by them 24/7 I just feel guilty for needing to. And it's hard because a part of me does want to get better and to heal but I just feel so angry and powerless and bitter that it just spills out of me because it is so all consuming that there is no room for me to feel anything else. 

I just keep ricocheting between being angry and then desperate self loathing and the need to apologise. 

Sorry. Word vomit Smiley Tongue

 

They're just thoughts atm. I know how to access help if it gets worse. 

Re: Angry

@DruidChild thanks for letting me know they are thoughts, and that you know where to get support Smiley Happy 

 

Yeah I see what you're saying, the guilt is an additional layer of suffering you could probably do without at the moment!! I guess if it's causing you guilt-  then that's also a reason to consider avoiding talking about things in a certain way, or to flag that guilt with your therapist. Perhaps you feel the pressure from them that you have to be getting "better". Sometimes the goal is just acceptance /living with symptoms - rather than being better. 

 

They sounds like great podcast choices!! I listen to a lot of humanism stuff, mental health related stuff, story-sharing, and a few random informative ones too.. love them! 

A great podcast that I've been listening to, that actually might resonate with some of the things you're talking about - called  - No Feeling is Final. It was released by the ABC for mental health month - it's a bit heavy, but also uplifting, and touches on some of the biggest thoughts and scarier moment of ongoing mental health issues. 

If you choose to listen to it, let me know what you think Smiley Happy 

Re: Angry

@DruidChild <3
Distractions are amazing hey! Smiley Happy
I hear how hard it is, and trying to tell yourself that you deserve those things when you feel you don't can feel like an uphill battle against heavy wind. It's tough for sure. <3

I'm sorry to hear the appointment didn't help much. Reading your posts I was actually reminded of myself in a lot of ways... the feeling of not getting better quick enough, it can be a hard one to comprehend at times. For me I've been with my current psychologist for over 2 years. And I think one thing to remember is that it can (and often does - and that's okay) take a long time to recover from mental illnesses. And everyone is at a different place when they seek help and there are case specific things that continue mental health symptoms and others that help heal them. It can be hard but I want you to know that it is okay to feel like you're not progressing as fast as you like, and I believe that there shouldn't be that pressure on clients to heal within a certain time.

I hope this helps <3 x

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: Angry

Thank you for your replies @Bee @gina-RO Heart Things have been crazy hard lately because of things in my family and I’m so exhausted. Having trouble sleeping. I want to run and run until nobody can touch me anymore, but I am so weighed down by responsibility. I don’t even feel like I can be honest with my support team atm because I absolutely cannot risk being hospitalised, my mother couldn’t deal with that right now. I miss my friend. I feel so tired and scared and broken and alone. I am trying to pray about it. It’s still hard though.