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Anxiety Attack -Because of my childhood Abuser( Trigger Warning)

I just had a very brief and short anxiety attack.

Currently I am living with someone who hasn't been the nicest to me, 

especially as a child.

They were loud and emotionally abusive actually, sometimes threatening physical violence when I didn't do things their way.

Especially when I cried they used to just stare at me blankly or get very angry. 

( An older sibling)

Now the thought of being in my room, when people open the door without knocking has become something stressful.

Because they would do and say emotional abusive stuff in areas that were small and cramped where I did not feel like I could escape, e.g my room the back of the kitchen and we have narrow hallways. 

They kind of stopped doing that terrifying stuff when I was an adult. 

I was talking to a friend that was walking me home and the thought of being left in a house with this abuser just got to me.

I broke down I cried and basically freaked out slightly in the middle of the street.

It lasted a short moment, when the other person was able to convince me I was okay.

But It just made me realise that, whatever they done to me as a kid...It's just...as an adult it's still there.

I am still quite terrified.

I could convince myself before that it wasn't a big deal and it's fine if that persons around me..but only because I thought it was a inconvenience...really they really REALLY SCARE ME.

I don't know how to handle this information...they were ..really really cruel.

They used to find almost any reason to reprimand me and they used that to justify the right to terrify me.

Even if they threatened violence, yelled, shouted, picked up things to throw at me. 

I don't know how to not feel scared. 

...There's just so much wrong in my life I don't know what's good anymore.

It's not like I can kick this person out, it's not my house.

I don't have the job, experience or money to move out either. 

I don't know what to do. 

Advice?

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Re: Anxiety Attack -Because of my childhood Abuser( Trigger Warning)

This sounds like a very stressful, tense and fearful situation to be in @SunflowerRain and one that nobody should have to live in, so it's understandable that you've experienced a panic attack. Can I just confirm if you're feeling safe at the moment?

 

I know you said in a previous post that you prefer to write things down rather than go to counselling but I would strongly encourage you to seek support from a counsellor or psychologist. If you're not quite ready though or need more immediate support, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) is a 24 hour sexual assault, family and domestic violence counselling service that might be able to help you work through what you've been through, are going through and what you can do moving forward Heart