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Argh Trigger warning

Fuck fuck fuck. I can't deal with my stupid head. 

Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh I wish I could just fucking die. Why didn't I die last year instead of having lifesaving surgery. Why didn't I die when I was 17 when I first tried. Why didn't I stay dead instead or stay in the coma when I was 19 instead of the Dr's saving me.

Why am I fucking alive.  

===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: Argh Trigger warning

Hey @redhead I want to talk about all of those why's with you. Definitely can hear you're in a storm right now. I do need to check first - are you able to stay safe tonight whilst you talk to us?

Re: Argh Trigger warning

Yeh
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: Argh Trigger warning

@redhead are the voices intense right now?

Re: Argh Trigger warning

@Bree-RO it's not them
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: Argh Trigger warning

What is happening? @redhead We're always here to listen. Let me know when you are ready.

Re: Argh Trigger warning

I just can't handle anything. I'm a stupid fucking idiot who should be dead. I'm having flashbacks to my last attempt. Then it's got me thinking about all the other ones. I don't want to be here. My life is so fucked. I'm a fucking failure
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: Argh Trigger warning

Heavy heavy heavy self talk @redhead. There's 1000 reasons this is not the case and you are in fact a wonderful, beautiful valuable human-being.

 

Has a flashback been the kick off today toward this self-hatred? Can you think today about what has happened to send yourself spiralling?

Re: Argh Trigger warning

I was thinking about uni and why I failed last year. That's what set off the flashback. I wish I had fucking stayed dead in hospital instead of being revived. Then 2-3 weeks later I nearly died again from the same thing.
I want to die. Why won't anyone let me die
It's all I deserve anyway
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: Argh Trigger warning

@redhead I understand, I know that was a hugely difficult time for you, it's brave to have another crack and it is completely normal to feel fear & feel the visceral pains that you did this time last year. I am getting really concerned about your level of distress right now, I am going to encourage you to phone 1300 659 467 and chat to SCBS just for even 20 minutes.

Then once you've done that come back on here and we can debrief. Now is the time to get that one-on-one support. If it's easier, tell them ReachOut sent you. Heart