I should start this by saying Bipolar runs in my family, and that my mother is quite severse and manic. My step-mother is a nurse, so she kidna helps me rationalise all this technical stuff.
I've struggled with pretty moderate issues my whole life, and they've just slowly gotten worse. I've kept a journal during this time, to kind of chart the swings, and they seem to be monthly.
My step-mother had a discussion with me, telling me that I would likely develop bipolar with age (she doesn't know that I've been feeling this way), and she tried to encourage me not to be ashamed over it, because I can't help it.
The thing is, I'm completely ashamed. I'm not in control of my own mind, the things I say are often dictated by my emotions and not my brain. If I take medication eventually, it will be things to stabilise me because I can't, but that's as bad as not taking them, either way I'm not in control.
I hate feeling this way. From being invincible and unbelievably happy and content, to miserable and self-loathing. And I feel it happening, I know that what I'm saying isn't what I mean (particularly in the sad phases), but I keep going. And knowing I'm hurting people makes me sadder, continuing the cycle.
There's no-one who understands, no-one near me, I can't talk about this. My family just think I'm a sulking teenager, but I hide in my books and on my laptop to protect them. My little brothers think I'm this terrible sister and I try to be good tot hem but I can't, they set me off so easily.
I hate myself, utterly, because of this. I hate hurting, and I hate hurting others. It's all so ugly, and I can't even read or listen to my step-mother about it without crying, it's such a burden.
I don't know what I'm looking for on this, maybe even just one person who can relate?
Hey, Just letting you know I read your post, and I'm thinking of you. It must suck, and although I can't really relate, I know there are people who are in your situation, and they would want you to keep hope.
Sorry I'm not much help, but just want to say there are people out there who will understand you.
Thanks for sharing this with us here. It must be really difficult for you to even share it with us here.
First off, you're not alone. This condition you're talking about has enough history and frequency that there are lots of resources and treatments for managing it.
It sounds like your family are aware that bipolar disorder is a possibility for you and it sounds to me like they're even willing to share the burden with you, which is wonderful. By not telling them, you might be preventing them from being able to help. Your family and little brothers would be a lot more understanding if they knew what was going on.
There's no need to be ashamed: they are ready to help and, as you say, whether you have it or not is something outside your control.
I know that feeling like you can never be completely in control is really hard to handle. Maybe you can take some solace in the fact that what you're talking about is manageable and that there are ways to keep it under control.
Isn't it better to tackle this early on instead of waiting until it becomes unmanageable? At the very least, if you're not willing to tell your family about it yet, can you speak to your GP privately? It's important that, if you have bipolar, you're on a path to managing it sooner rather than later.
I'm sure others who can relate will drop by and reply to your message as soon as they see it; don't lose hope. You're definitely not alone.