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Bpd traits making things hard

Everyone keeps saying it's just depression. It's not. My doctors tell me that they're not going to diagnose me with bpd because it means risking me creating an identity around my illness and that's unhealthy. My nurses say 'just think positive' and 'it's just your age you're young you feel everything so intensely.' But something's wrong. 

 

I've been in hospital over a week. I got three days of overnight leave so I could be home for Christmas. My mood's been all over the place. I had the worst nightmares I've had for a long time last night; just watching people/myself get murdered really violently, I had a dream about my old best friend being sexually abused but she was kind of me as well?  Like I was watching myself be abused in third person. It sucks waking up on Christmas morning and feeling waves of disgust and fear wash over you again and again and again. It sucks getting anxiety nausea so bad that you double over just because you feel exposed laying on your back, even though you're in your grandma's room where absolutely nothing bad has ever happened (I think?).

 

It's getting harder again tonight. I kinda want to ask my parents to take me back to hospital early but everyone would be so disappointed. My family keeps telling me I need to think about myself and what I want/need and they're trying to be so supportive with my 'depression' and weird 'quirkiness' (aka probably autism) and I appreciate them so much but I also feel so much pressure to get discharged and be healthy so they feel better. 

 

Also...it's difficult spending so much time with family right now, because that includes the person I think I remember abusing me and he's lovely to me now so maybe it wasn't him but also fuck don't be nice to me you don't get that right I was fucking 7 and it's awful and people keep hugging/touching me and I fell gross and disgusting. 

 

While I've been in hospital I've had a really rough time with a girl there. She was quite unwell I guess and being REALLY attached and nice with me, like she was telling me she really really liked me and that I was like the sun she revolved around and she wanted to protect me and trying to hold my hand and saying she wanted to hug me and calling me sweetheart and baby and all this stuff and I got really obsessed/attached to her very very quickly. I'm normally very reserved even with people I like but I ended up telling her I really liked her too and that I was attracted to her and I hoped we could catch up outside of hospital. And she was like 'I want to be whatever you want to be.' But then she changed her mind and told me that she didn't think things would work out between us because I deserved better than an 'angry relationship.' I don't know if she'll be there when I get back from leave. I'm trying not to think about it but it's difficult because I get so attached so quickly, and it hurts when people give you a lot of affection and then take it away. 

 

And I really really miss my friend tonight, we spoke over text briefly and she sounded a bit sad and I've been thinking about how much I just want to give her her Christmas present and hang out with her and cuddle with her and I haven't been to her place for weeks and I really really miss her and her bedroom and her cats and her stuffed animals and her voice and now she's not even messaging me and it hurts so so much. 

 

I'm NOT going to kill myself tonight because that seems like a really shitty thing to do to other people on literal Christmas when everyone's been so nice but I just wish I was back in hospital in a room with nothing except a bed with a nurse watching me sleep. It's bad of me but I find hospital comforting. I think also that I'll get discharged when I go back on Wednesday because I actually don't feel any safer from myself in hospital than at home. Like I could kill myself just as easily in hospital as at home so whatever. But they'll take it as oh I feel safe at home now. 

 

I'm unmedicated for a while and I legit want to stay in hospital inside a seclusion room the whole time that I'm unmedicated because I'm fucking scared. But the psychiatrists have already told me I should be home and it's better for me in the long run. And anyway, they don't hospitalise you for weeks just for depression and a bit of social anxiety. Even though I'm pretty sure I experience most of the classic bpd symptoms, including serious ones like non-schizoid psychosis and self harm urges! But nope. Nobody wants to label me. 

 

I'm being as brave as I can and Im holding on and I got given a weighted blanket today which is really comforting! So I'm trying to cuddle with that and watch YouTube videos but everything hurts so badly and I get so attached and it hurts. I'm sorry for just ranting, there's just so much going on in my head, this isn't even all of it, but it helps to talk a little. 

Re: Bpd traits making things hard

@DruidChild This might sound odd but I appreciate your 'rant' / sharing. On one level I feel absolute empathy for you and am thankful for so much candid honesty. It really actually does help others to understand that they're not alone when feeling emotional pain etc. On another level, believe it or not, it's very relatable. I do think it's important to put yourself first especially because when feeling depressed, there is this really strange  self destructive tendancy to feel a disproportionate level of guilt. With that guilt we feel like a burden and absolutely responsible for others when that's simply inaccurate. If you need to rest or have more down time or time in hospital for example, then take that time. These were just a few thoughts I had after reading your writing here and again, I appreciate what you have to say. 

Re: Bpd traits making things hard

@DruidChild How are you feeling today? Thank you for sharing, it is no doubt a very hard time. Sort of limbo-diagnosis. I can understand wanting to be in seclusion, that sense of being somewhere monitored by the professionals and away from the world. I meant to ask how you find the weighted blankets? I listened to a podcast recently and the woman was talking about how beneficial they are. Thinking of you, here to listen as always. Heart

Re: Bpd traits making things hard

Thank you @Bree-RO and @TOM-RO

 

Everything hurts so much. It's like someone carved my heart out, slowly, with a teaspoon, and now wind is blowing through the cavity. It feels like I am dying. I feel completely alone and abandoned. 

 

I miss her. Where is she? It hurts too much without her. 

 

I am trying to remember how much pain my favourite characters have been in and how they've gotten through it. Like Rose refusing to leave Sanctuary Base 6. And Morgana abandoned in a living grave. And Bill. And Merlin.

 

The weighted blanket is good btw. It helps me feel less floaty and stuff. 

Re: Bpd traits making things hard

Hey @DruidChild are you still not talking to her at the moment? Grief is gnarly painful. Especially ambiguous grief, it's really hard to process. I just hope you know that time heals wounds, and you are incredible. Very worthy of love. There's 7 billion potential humans who are keen to be there and love you. Here to listen if you want to chat about her Heart

 

Yes reflecting on characters is such a good one! I do similar sometimes but with like.. Chelsea Handler, Kendrick Lamar various influencers.

Re: Bpd traits making things hard

@Bree-RO I'm talking about my friend and realistically I think she's probably at work/asleep/socially exhausted but messenger keeps saying she's online and I'm really paranoid that she's not speaking to me for good (I know that's illogical; we spoke yesterday) and I miss her! I don't understand what I did wrong. Everything hurts hurts hurts this happens over and over again and it just doesn't stop.

 

I just want somebody to love me best and want to be around me all the time. This obsessive feeling is so unhealthy, isolating, and lonely. 

 

I didn't really sleep either. My skin felt weird. I want to go back to hospital. 

 

Yeah celebrities can be really inspiring as well! Do you know of Kesha? She's someone who's story is pretty amazing. 

Re: Bpd traits making things hard

Hey @DruidChild yes Kesha does have an awesome story! And Sylvester Stallone. Some amazing humans out there.

 

Totally. I really feel you on the attachment front. You love her that's all, and it's totally okay to want to be loved unconditionally. The key thing, and a trait I always respect in you - you're so aware as to your needs. You know your pattern, a lot of people struggle with this. It's important that whilst you've identified something is unhealthy, to also show yourself some compassion. It is okay to want these things, it's more not resting all of your self-worth on someone else validating us. No one else can validate us really, only ourselves.

 

Have you heard of this podcast? I think it could really help you Smiley Happy There's a bunch of episodes, scroll down there's some good ones on relationships/friendships/attachment.

Re: Bpd traits making things hard

Yeah definitely @Bree-RO Smiley Happy

 

Thank you. I don't really have anything insightful to add about attachment etc but what you said is really helpful, thank you. That podcast looks interesting! I'll check it out. 

 

I want to die kind of badly so I'm off to watch Brooklyn 99 until I feel better. 

Re: Bpd traits making things hard

@DruidChild Smiley Sad So sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Are you going to be safe?

 

Amazing show that one!

Re: Bpd traits making things hard

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 How are you @DruidChild I know you don't really like hugs but here a digital one. I'm thinking of you. 

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Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire