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Break up and mental health

I started dating my best friend, she had mental health issues such as depression, anxiety and psychosis. For two years my purpose in life was to build her up and help her on her bad days. But a long the way I think I may have experienced emotional abuse. She often would insult me, belittle in front of friends and blaming me for things that were going wrong outside of my control. She would often go through weeks of this behavior which eventually became accompanied by talking to other guys, deleting messages and lying about it. But she would also have weeks where she was the best girlfriend anyone could imagine being really loving and supportive. At the end of the relationship she continued her "bad weeks" for a couple of months. I broke up with her. After a few weeks we decided we would give it another shot after changing our behavior. I learnt she had slept with my friends and lied about it but she was much nicer than before so I stayed with her. However she did not make it aware to people that I was with her and her male friends (25+ year olds from the rugby club) threatened to bash me. But I stayed with her after we talked about it. One night at the pub a heavily drunken girl came up to me and kissed me which made me leave the pub. Before I had chance to tell her she found out and she blocked me. She now is with one of my distant friends and messages me saying she is sorry for treating me badly but it was because she never saw us working out. She often messages to say how great her life is going and used to call me. Now I am not in love with her, her abusive comments and actions are becoming frequent memories and seeing her treat my friend so much better than she treated me really hurts me. I can't get over her yet I am really angry with how she treated me and I'm not sure how to cope 


Re: Break up and mental health

Hi @Johnsmith15 


That does sound a lot like emotional abuse.


Sometimes abuse will start to happen in a cycle like what you described, where the person acts really horribly for a while and then tries to "make up for it" by being extra nice temporarily. It's one of the reasons so many people struggle to leave abusive relationships.


I'm so sorry you had to go through that, the whole situation sounds like it was really horrible...


It sounds a bit like after spending so long trying to help her with her mental health and with all the difficulties in that relationship you're struggling to stop thinking about her, especially now that she's treating someone else the way you wish she'd treated you.

Do you think that is the case at all?


We're here for you if you need anything.


Re: Break up and mental health

Hi @Johnsmith15 , 


Thank you for reaching out here, we hope that the community can help to support you as you recover from your breakup, it sounds like it was a really complex situation, and I think you may be right when you say that you may have experienced emotional abuse. 


Two years is a long time to be in a relationship, and it sounds like you supported her through some really tough times. You say that "I can't get over her yet I am really angry with how she treated me and I'm not sure how to cope" - feeling like that is really hard, but it's very normal to have those feelings .It sounds like you have a lot of insight, and recognise that the way that she treated you was not OK.  It sounds like the messages that she's sending you are pretty distressing, do you think that blocking her messages/ muting her on social media for awhile could be something that would be helpful for you? 


There's a lot of great info on the ReachOut website about moving on after a breakup, especially if it was a tough relationship, the link is here if you would like to have a read of any of that. 


You're not alone, the community is here to support you. 




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