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Coming to accept I have anxiety and depression after 6 years

You know that feeling when you feel so stupid you didn't realize something sooner. That's how I feel when I've finally acknowledged I've been suffering from anxiety and depression, which has been gradually crippling my life for 6 years. This whole time I've kept it to myself, convincing my social life I was completely normal and not crazy. Doing that for so long, I've just ended up convincing myself and continued to hold myself back. At home, I didn't come home to a warm supportive family which made it all the harder to become honest and open to those around me. You know, everyday I'd ask myself why I am like this, why am I struggling so much! Deep in my heart I knew what was wrong and for the sake of my future and ambitions, I KNEW I urgently needed help, but circumstances worsened at home, and with a mix of guilt and trauma I moved out. At that point I've lost control of managing my anxiety and, circumstances just added to my suffering. Then I had to start my first year at a new university, and make new friends who I couldn't tell my suffering too. I want people with anxiety and depression to know, that isolating yourself is the worst thing you can do to yourself. I'm 19 and I've felt so alone for the past 6 years that at this point, my whole existence has been consumed by this anxiety I've left untreated for so long. Anxiety makes someone consistently worry and feel urgent to do something, while depression drains your motivation and tells you it's impossible. Put two and two together and you have the worst combination ever. And for 6 years, it was this constant struggle. You can imagine how exhausted I feel, and how much love, compassion and care, I need now, more than any other time in my life. But for those of you, like me who don''t have someone to share their burden, start with Y.O.U. I realized I needed to focus on my SELF and practice self-love, self compassion and self care. Focus on nourishing my soul and finding peace with myself. But honestly, it's not going to be easy... heck It's going to be HARD. To make it easier to understand. Imagine that you've been digging for so long that you've dug yourself into a deep dark hole, only to stop and realized you have no way out but to climb back up. How are you going to get out? The only way is to keep climbing right? At times I might fall into a slump again and think "it's too hard, I want to give up", but if I look ahead and I'll realize there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just as if you were in deep dark hole, I'd want to focus on not giving up, and building my determination and drive to keep going, not giving up. Focus on not giving up. Strive to get back up quickly if you fall. If no one there, give yourself some love and compassion to make yourself stronger and continue to look ahead towards the light at the end of the tunnel

 

Thanks

 

- side note-

My therapist told me we each have a cup filled with water that represent our quality of life. As our anxiety and depression makes us miserable, we have less and less water. But in the end you still have some left and with the remaining you need to cherish what you have. Be grateful and be mindful of everything that you have in your life at this point. Personally, I am grateful for my mother who is working hard to buy a house for me and my sister after a rough divorce. She also cooks dinner and cleans the house everyday. At least I know I won't starve to death. 

 

 

Re: Coming to accept I have anxiety and depression after 6 years

Such a beautiful post @codeblue

 

"Anxiety makes someone consistently worry and feel urgent to do something, while depression drains your motivation and tells you it's impossible. Put two and two together and you have the worst combination ever."

 

SO true.

 

I'm very impressed that you're only 19 and have come to know yourself this well. Self-compassion is the ultimate strategy in the path of healing. It takes a while before we can get the hang of it but it's like a muscle that's strengthened by continued practice. 

 

Just love this post and hope others will chime in or share their thoughts too Smiley Happy

Re: Coming to accept I have anxiety and depression after 6 years

Hi @codeblue,

 

I really appreciate your post. Thank you for sharing and I really admire your positive spirit. Smiley Happy

 

This is so very true and it resonates with me so much. For YEARS i went through high school not knowing that I was suffering from anxiety beyond the 'normal' level. My home situation added to my stress and my behaviour and attitude was severely effected. I didn't feel like anyone understood and so often I was called a 'worrier,' 'perfectionist' and to just 'chill.' I didn't understand why everything felt so hard for me. As I never got help for my anxiety and as my situation worsened, depression followed...and with that so did anger and frustration and withdrawal and so many other things. I am 22 years old now and I've only known about my anxiety for almost 4 years and things have been able to change. It has been SO HARD though. And I understand that EXACT feeling of climbing out of that hole and falling sometimes. It is really difficult living with an anxiety disorder and I am still trying to come to terms with it at times. Thanks for reminding me about the importance of never giving up. You have explained things in such a clear perspective!

 

Re: Coming to accept I have anxiety and depression after 6 years

Thank you so much for your comment! This is my first post on the forums and it feels so nice to read your comment!

Re: Coming to accept I have anxiety and depression after 6 years

Aww thank you so much!! I'm so glad you relate! It was definitely hard feeling so anxious all the time, but looking around to see no one feeling the same way! Right now, you can say I'm trying to climb out of my hole, but it's really hard after a long slump. I wonder, when you recognized your anxiety, how did things changed? I would love to hear your experience