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Confused and upset

Hey guys, 

I don't really know how to word this or what to really even say but I'm just feeling alone and upset at the moment. I finally told my parents about a week ago that I've been seeing a psychologist. I didn't really say why because I'm not comfortable talking to them about it all yet but long story short, for some reason my mum seems to think I'm a lesbian and that that's why I'm seeing my psych. Which totally is not the case! Anyway, she's been saying to me for ages that I need to accept who I am and that it's okay if I'd prefer a girlfriend than a boyfriend and it just makes me uncomfortable everytime she mentions it. It just upsets me and actually really hurts. And then today my aunty, sister and I got on the topic of relationships and my aunty asked me if I even want a boyfriend and said it's okay if I'd prefer a girlfriend?!? It came out of nowhere and really upset me that she said it. I'm just really confused and don't know why they keep saying it to me. Others have said it too and it's really starting to get to me. I have enough shit going on and when they add comments like that it just makes everything worse. I've never been in a relationship but that doesn't mean I'm a bloody lesbian does it?! It's just really starting to piss me off. I'm so sick of being asked it. I'm independent and have been hurt alot in the past so honestly don't trust men and would rather be alone. I just feel weird and uncomfortable about it all and it's really starting to affect me. To the point I'm starting to question it myself!! My best friend came to visit me a few months back and I used to hug her all the time but this time I was so reserved and scared to hug her incase she thought I was a lesbian and I freaked her out. I hate it and hate feeling like this. I often show so much love towards my friends but with comments like this being made I feel like it's coming between us and I'm pushing them away and becomming scared to tell them how much I love them?! It just makes me angry and I don't know how to react when they ask. I have absolutely NOTHING against lesbians (some of my friends are lesbians and I'm totally cool with it) but it's just really starting to hurt me and question if maybe that's why I have never been able to get myself a boyfriend? Because I give off some sort of lesbian vibe? Ugh. Sorry guys. I hope this doesn't offend anyone because I truly am accepting of everyone and whatever sexuality they are. I just don't know how to write how I'm feeling. I kind of want to talk to my psych about it next week but am embarrassed to bring it up because I don't want her to think I have something against lesbians because I don't!! I'm just not one and I don't know how to get people to believe me and stop asking me?! 

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Re: Confused and upset

Hi @MB95,

 

Thanks for posting, sounds like a tricky situation. I can only imagine that it would be really frustrating for people to assume your sexuality based on the fact you haven't had a partner yet.  I want to say that it's fantastic you're seeing a psychologist, but you're under absolutely no obligation to tell your mum or anyone else what you discuss in those sessions. That's between you and your psychologist.

 

Whatever pace you want to go in forming relationships is completely fine. It may be that your family is imposing their views on the "correct" timeline to start developing relationships upon you, but just know that there is no correct time. It's just whatever works for you and whatever feels comfortable. 

 

I was in a similar situation where I used to stay over at a female friend's house a lot and my mum assumed we were dating and talked to me about it. I was honestly more surprised and amused out of anything, but I was kind of glad that she had an open mind about it. Maybe in your family's own strange way they're just trying to open up a conversation about relationships with you, and maybe they're just trying to show that they love you no matter what. A lot of parents may not have received the same support when they were young, so perhaps they're trying to do the right thing and it's coming off weirdly. I know my mum is always trying to find out about my sister's relationships because she cares about her and wants her to be happy, but my sister gets really annoyed because she feels my mum is being nosy. It's such a hard balance and often it's a sensitive topic to communicate about.

 

Do you think there maybe is a nice way you could let them know that them constantly bringing it up is making you feel uncomfortable? Maybe you could discuss with your psychologists some ways that you could talk to your mum and other family members about this.

____________________________________________________
“Your now is not your forever."
― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down
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Re: Confused and upset

Hi @MB95,

 

That sounds like a really uncomfortable situation, and I think your reaction makes a lot of sense. Someone's formed an incorrect assumption about something really personal for you and keeps bringing it up- even though they might have good intentions I think most people would be upset in your situation.

 

It sounds like it might be useful to find a way to let her know she's got it wrong and/or to stop. Maybe you could send her a text (as it sounds like it's hard to respond in the moment when you're caught off guard)? Or preplan and practice a response for the next time it comes up?

 

It doesn't have to be a big thing I don't think if you're not a fan of conflict, and it's up to you if you want to explain why it's bothering you... You could just say something like 'Um thanks but I don't want a girlfriend because I'm not gay?' Or send a text that expresses that... And you can add whatever extra information you're comfortable with (like asking her not to say it anymore, or not to talk about your dating life with you unless you bring it up, or saying you know she's trying to be supportive but there's been a misunderstanding, or that it makes you uncomfortable, or why it makes you uncomfortable...)

 

I'm really sorry it's bringing up such big feelings for you. I agree with @MisoBear that there's no correct time to start relationships, everyone is different. But it can be so hard when there's pressure from society or family or ourselves Smiley Sad

 

I think talking this through with your psychologist is a great idea. I don't think you need to stress about her thinking you have a problem with lesbians, because it really doesn't sound like you do, and from what you've said before she sounds really understanding and supportive.

 

Sending big hugs, I hope you feel better soon Heart

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Re: Confused and upset

@MB95 that's... weird of your family... It sounds super frustrating...

(and completely understandable btw - I get the same feeling when people assume I'm straight, it's just weird.. only obviously for you it's the reverse)

 

A few options that might help you with interactions like that:

 

If you just want them to shut up about it, you can agree when they unnecessarily reassure you.

"It's okay if you like girls."

"Yeah, I know."

They feel like they've successfully reassured you of.. something that you already know and isn't really relevant to you anyway.

 

Make it into a conversation about either a friend who's openly lesbian (make sure that you don't out anyone) or an imaginary friend.

"It's okay if you like girls."

"Yeah, one of the girls in my maths class is lesbian and she finds it really hard when people tease her about it so it's good that people are starting to accept that!"

 

Either talk about a real crush, or make one up. Start an awkward conversation.

"Aunt X... can I ask you a question about a crush?"

"Yep! And it's okay if it's a girl!"

"Actually it's a boy in my English class... how do I talk to him?"

 

And as a last resort; come out as straight. Literally just parody the awkward coming out that a lot of LGBTQ people have.

"Mum.. Dad.... you've been telling me that I need to accept myself... I've though about it a lot and... I think I'm straight."

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Re: Confused and upset

Hey @MB95 

 

First of all I just want to say how proud we are of you. Telling anyone, let alone family about seeing a psychologist is not always an easy task. It's also really good that you set boundaries around what you wanted to share. You're doing an amazing job at taking care of yourself Heart 

 

I think @MisoBear @hellofriend and @Tiny_leaf have all make incredible suggestions here. It's makes total sense that this would be really frustrating for you. Do you think there's any way you would feel able to communicate that to your fam? 

 

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Re: Confused and upset

Thanks guys ❤

I really appreciate your replies and just being able to get it off my chest. Unfortunately my anxiety takes over and I probably let their opinions get to me alot more than they should.

I have tried to talk to them about it when they bring it up and ask why they think I'm a lesbian and tell them that I'm not and I'm sick of being asked it but then the next time I see them it's like we have the same old conversation all over again!! It's just frustrating and I wish they'd stop asking me because it's really making me start to question myself and feel uncomfortable around any female!!! 

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Re: Confused and upset

Wow @MB95 I just caught up on your thread (your second last post) and that sounds so frustrating. I feel like people asking/suggesting the same thing over and over would be really unhelpful because you'd feel like you have to constantly defend or repeat yourself. I can also understand how multiple people (your mum & aunty) asking you could make you question whether you give off a lesbian vibe, but I feel like that's probably not the case, and that it could just be that your mum is talking to your aunty about her suspicions. 

 

Maybe the next time someone asks, you could politely say "Hey X, you've asked me this multiple times. I can't continue to answer the same question. I've told you I'm not a lesbian and if you choose to not believe me then that's up to you, but I'm going to stop answering the question because it seems like you aren't really hearing or trusting me, and I find that unhelpful." 

 

I totally agree with you in that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a lesbian, it just that asking you over and over is frustrating because it's like they aren't listening to what you're saying, which would be difficult no matter what the question/statement. Like, even if someone was saying or implying you like watermelon when you've said you don't, it'd be frustrating. It's like "what have I done that makes you think I like watermelons?" or "what have I done to make you not believe me?" 

 

So I can really understand why you're feeling distressed over this and I feel for you. That's not to say your family are doing it to purposely upset you, it could just be that they're worried. My family does the same thing sometimes, like they make assumptions that are nowhere near correct, and I think a lot of that stems from parental-type worry, or their assumptions could be from past experiences or their own issues etc. For example, my mum always worries about my brother and I gaining weight, not because we're anywhere near overweight, but because she worries about her own weight. So she's projecting - that sort of thing. 

 

Seems like you got a lot of amazing support though which you've found helpful. I'm glad you feel comfortable to talk to us about it and just know that we're always here. Heart

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Re: Confused and upset

Thanks @Maddy-RO ❤

 

The having to repeat myself is probably the worst part because it really is annoying and upsetting that I even feel I need to defend myself. I have my reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship right now, most of which are to do with my mental health, and I just wish they'd accept that. Maybe one day when I open up about my mental health properly they'll understand. But I'm no where near ready for that, so in the meantime I will try some of the responses you've all suggested. 

 

I did try brining it up with my psych but it was just so awkward. She was totally cool about it and it was like she didn't even care and was telling me I could be this or that but for some reason I just felt extremely uncomfortable and tried to shut the conversation down as soon as I started it. I know she wasn't but I felt weird and like she was judging me? And then I just felt like a fool for letting it get to me so much. Idk. I've never been one to talk about anything to do with sex or relationships because it just freaks me out. But sometimes with my reactions I wonder if that's why people think I'm a lesbian? And why I question it sometimes because surely it's not meant to freak me out this much? 

 

I know this is probably SUPER personal and please don't feel like you have to respond if I'm crossing a line @Tiny_leaf, but how did you know you were a lesbian? 

 

I'm just so confused and really worry about what others think of me. Their thoughts are really starting to impact on my own and I'm not sure how to stop it. Like it probably sounds rediculous but sometimes their thoughts and voices get into my head so much that I start to think maybe I am a lesbian after all? But then I see a guy I'm attracted too and I freak the hell out which kind of reassures me I'm not? Idk. I'm just a bit confused and wish people would just accept that I'm not interested in finding anyone anytime soon. 😔 Like I do really want to be in a relationship but I know I need to fix myself before I can even think about going there so I just shut myself off from the idea. I just wish people would keep their opinions to themselves because it's my life and has nothing to do with them!! 

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Re: Confused and upset

@MB95 the thought of having anything to do with a guy in that sense just.. freaks me out a lot. It's just a really, really uncomfortable idea for me. Just... yuck.. not for me at all.

Which... kinda ruled out the possibility of being straight or bi.

Especially since that idea but with a girl was a lot less gross for me. 

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Re: Confused and upset

Thank you so much for sharing @Tiny_leaf, sorry it was a very personal question. I really do appreciate you answering it so thanks ❤