Confused....(tw???)

Nearly everyday for many years I've been feeling really sad? Although it wasn't to the point that I thought I needed to get help.

But lately it's been getting worse. I dissociate often, cannot concentrate on my schoolwork and have been feeling very isolated. 

I don't feel like i have anyone. I constantly get ignored by my so called 'friends' and i'm always being left out, being plans for a sleepover or plans to hang out in the city or something. They never listen to what i have to say, even when I tried to talk to them about how i was feeling i was told to "shut up". I feel like everyone else is beginning to notice to. I'm aware that i should go and find some new friends, but i don't where to start, i feel like most people (especially in my year group) think that i'm annoying and don't want to be around me as they always seem to distance themselves from me. I have tried to make different friends previously but it never works out. I also feel like i always need to have these 'friends', in a way it comforts me knowing that i have someone even if they don't like me.

Home life isn't the best either. I have a roof over my head and get fed amazing home cooked meals every night and i'm grateful for that, but I feel so disconnected from my family. 

My parents constantly put me down, for example, whenever try I tell my parents about how i feel, they go and tell all their friends and my siblings about it (in which I want to stay private) and then they go and mock me. Whenever i go to tell my parents that i'm feeling sad and frustrated to the point in feeling like i want to self-harm they always say, "You have a roof over your head, yes? You're not sick, Yes? You have a good life, Yes? You're not depressed then, you're trying to get attention." I don't think they quite understand that you can have a good life and still be depressed. 

My siblings are always ignoring me and stay clear of me. Half the time i'm not sure of what i have done but when i try and ask them they don't say anything. I know this is just what siblings do and all but it doesn't help with the feeling of being lonely, especially when i see them all getting along and having these 'girl nights'. I just feel so left out. 

Throughout primary school i was heavily bullied. It later continued into high school, having food thrown at me during breaks to being pushed down and almost being beaten up (teacher intervened) just for being in class. I somehow coped with it and was mentally fine. 

But a few months into my first year of high school, my grandfather, whom i was very close to, passed away resulting from a car accident. From that incident, my mental health spiraled down.

It's been almost five years since then, but i'm still not at peace with it.  

I'm now in my final years of high school, the work load has really picked up as i'm trying to get into university. Although the work is hard, I know i can do it. But with my home life and 'friends' at school, it is hard to stay focused on my schoolwork and it's showing in my grades. 

Lately i have more of an urge to harm myself and feeling like i shouldn't be here anymore and such. it's a struggle getting out of bed every morning and I always feel miserable. I don't even put much effort into my appearance anymore It's very overwhelming. I can't speak to anyone about it, they won't listen.

I know i need help but i'm not sure where to start and whether to see someone or not. I have tried to talk with my school psychologist but i was denied twice for not being "suicidal enough".

I'm quite scared of reaching out to someone for help and talking to someone about it due to previous events.  

I am safe, I just need some guidance.