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[Content warning - talk of end of life] I guess I don't like myself very much

Hello, 

I'm sorry I couldn't just do with scribbling in my notebook tonight. 

 

I am such a failure, having to repeat my final year in university, I'm not performing well at my job, I don't want to be a burden to my family or friends. I have accomplished nothing to be proud off in 24 years including having been in no relationships, yet all my friends and family are successful in one aspect or another. Frankly I hate myself, I don't think there is one aspect I like about me. I'm so disappointed in myself in being so pathetic as there are at least 7billion people living in worse situation than I, with such harsh environments, abuse and all these bad circumstances yet they are so strong. I'm so ashamed that I can't be as resilient as them. 

 

I'm selfish that I don't want others to feel bad about themselves yet I want to end it every 10 seconds. I was so close to doing it in grade 5 and last year, that sometimes I wish I would have so I wouldn't be in so much pain.

 

But despite that, every single day I swear I'm doing my best I need to improve, be better etc etc but I can't do it cos I'm pretty useless at everything. Every night I feel like a failure, can't sleep and feel like my head is about to explode with 30 million thoughts, plans, ideas.

 

Even writing this post I'm disgusted by myself, because I can't believe that I am expecting help when I've done nothing to deserve any kindness.

 

Thank you for reading, honestly you don't even need to respond but I know selfishly that I want feedback. I'm so sorry for that. 

 

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Re: I guess I don't like myself very much

Hey, I go through the same problems. At night racing thoughts from anxiety and a overactive brain sometimes till your stomach cramps. Ive taken to many sike meds to count and had to many bad side effects to remember and honestly as I'm typing this as I'm in bed sulkin and worrying having to go to my one year olds birthday party because my brains compulsive nature to bring me down and make me socially unable to be who I want to be. But i do know that its all a mindset man..  And when I say this I know how hard it is and that even as I say it I'm not doing any of it, but stay close with friends family. Remember your worth. Never give up and keep looking forward.. because people like us love to look back

Re: I guess I don't like myself very much

Hi there @Justanothernumber

Thank you so much for sharing your story here on the forums it takes so much courage to open yourself up like that on here and I am so thankful that you did.

 

I was so sad to read about the constant pain that you are in – I can only imagine how hard it has been for you to deal with these thoughts, feelings and emotions each and every day and what a toll that this must take.

 

I wanted to say, first-off, that you absolutely deserve kindness, love and support to help you through the things that you have, up-to-now been trying to face alone.  It is a beautiful and positive thing to open yourself up and admit that you need a helping hand every now and again. 

 

You write so sensitively and beautifully about your concerns for other people’s well being - both your friends and family as well as people you have never met and the compassion you have showed by considering them should apply to everyone and that includes you!

 

I was wondering – when you are in the middle of dealing with the darkest of your thoughts are there any services that you have considered talking to?  There is help and support out there to help you through the more difficult moments that you face. 

 

Two that I would love you to think about are Suicide Call Back  (phone number 1300 659 467) and Kids Helpline (phone number: 1800 55 1800).

 

There is nothing selfish about asking for feedback on this and no need to apologise.

 

One last thing as well - I hope you don't mind but I put a content warning in your post's title.  This is absolutely an appropriate place to talk about these feelings, but want to make sure that other people who see this post are in a good place to share their experiences and offer you the support you deserve.

 

Please let me know how you are feeling this morning.

Re: I guess I don't like myself very much

Hi @Ticketoak1, this is just a quick note to let you know that we've edited a small discussion of medication out of your post in line with our community guidelines. We hope you don't mind, we just prefer that our users seek personalised advice directly from their doctors.

Re: [Content warning - talk of end of life] I guess I don't like myself very much

Hey @Justanothernumber, I’m so sorry you are feeling like this at the moment, but I’m also so glad that you have posted here.

 

I can truly empathise with all of your post, as I have definitely been there before, and sometimes I still struggle with these thoughts of worthlessness and being a burden to others around me.

 

Please remember the fact that there are others who are more disadvantaged than yourself does not make your concerns or pain any less valid. I know this may be hard to believe right now, and I’ve been there too.

 

As @Nick-RO has asked, do you have any helplines or supports you can contact when you are feeling like harming yourself? I’ll just quote the numbers that @Nick-RO has already given you (Kids Helpline, 1800 55 1800; and Suicide Call Back Service, 1800 659 457). We want you to stay safe during these very hard times. Also, would you consider seeing a professional about this, such as a psychologist or counsellor? RO has a great factsheet about the different types of mental health professionals which you might find useful.

 

There is no need to apologise for journalling about this, as we would all love to help you get through this. Heart

Re: [Content warning - talk of end of life] I guess I don't like myself very much

thank you so much for taking the time and replying  @mrmusic@Ticketoak1 @Nick-RO @Danielle_RO

 

I have thought about getting some help but it's so intimidating, maybe they won't believe me cos i have 0 logical reasons for why I am this way, plus ill probably break down if I do talk in person and I'm sure there are many many other people desperate for their services than me.

 

Usually, I get by reading other peoples post and being amazed at all of their stories or writing in my notebook

 

I know there is obviously something wrong with me, I know and accept that I'm not good enough maybe never will be but It's my problem, I'm lacking so I need to fix it and I'm trying. I'm exercising every day, studying, working, doing personal projects but its still not enough. I know I just need to work even harder.

 

I haven't experienced any grief, loss or abuse, I'm not lacking in friends or family, so the only logical conclusion is it's my fault and I need to fix it myself.

 

This was my first time posting my thoughts publically, I let a friend know but since they freaked out, I just rubbed it off as a joke. I'll try not to bother people again including on here.

 

Hope I get through it myself, see what happens. Thanks again for listening to my rant. 

 

Re: [Content warning - talk of end of life] I guess I don't like myself very much

Hey @Justanothernumber, I try and think of mental illness a little like physical illness - if someone was diagnosed with cancer, for example, it wouldn’t necessarily be their fault. I think we need to look at mental illness the same way. You don’t have to do this on your own, there are so many people who want to help you, including all of us on RO.

 

With regards to the self-harming, I must ask if you know of any alternative strategies which you could use in this situation? Any self-harm is a concern, and a reason why I would really encourage you to see a counsellor. Perhaps you could make an appointment to see your GP about this, and they could give you a referral to a professional.

 

The fact that you were concerned about your friend’s reaction tells me that you are a caring friend, and that you do deserve kindness. Could you perhaps give some of these suggestions a go? We’re all thinking of you and here to help Heart

Re: [Content warning - talk of end of life] I guess I don't like myself very much

As @mrmusic said it's important to think of our mental health just as we would our physical health... And just like our physical health it's important to sometimes get help from professionals. Do you feel like you could go talk to someone?

 

Also I hope you don't mind, I edited your post a little bit just to remove the more specific graphic details. If you're ever confused about what to share please check out our guidelines 

Re: [Content warning - talk of end of life] I guess I don't like myself very much

Hey @Justanothernumber, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. We are so glad you're here and want to support you as much as possible.

 

I want to say first of all that you are allowed to feel however you feel. Your feelings are real, and valid and important and they deserve to be heard. You deserve to be heard.

Getting help can definitely be intimidating, I know I was very scared when I first mentioned to my parents that I wanted to see a psychologist. You mentioned journaling, do you think you could maybe write a list of some kind that would make getting help a little easier?

Maybe some pros and cons of getting help?

 

Please know that you are enough. You always have been and you always will be.

 

It sounds like you're working really hard in so many different areas, which is so impressive! Well done.

How are you feeling today?

 

I look forward to hearing from you!  

// Spiral outward, keep going. //