Crippling Insecurities & Lying
I'm in high school and been a class rep for the past year. I've faced this problem for a long time now, but now I was caught out and I guess its time for me to come clean. The other day, my parents knew I was going to a place with my friends (which they knew about, no problem there). But what they didn't know was that I was taking a different way to the place. Therefore, they got pretty angry at me, but inside I feel much worse than I ever had. It isn't because of guilt, it was something else I can't really describe.
Ever since my parents voiced their concerns for me in the lies I told in my early childhood, I've felt very insecure about myself and worried that I might worry my parents. I started to doubt myself and my abilities, and if I can go out and do something to broaden my horizons, go on an adventure, test my boundaries, without worrying my parents in the process. So what did I do? I continued to lie. And I lied, and I lied again.
This led to the web of lies I'm stuck in, it's inescapable. I want to admit everything, but if I do everything I have would fall apart. This is made worse by my recent months, where I have been worked to the core physically and emotionally then I started to lose it.
Outside, I'm an honest, hardworking person. That's true, I never lie to outsiders. But on the inside, I'm a depressed student who's trying to find some happiness. Everything about me is a lie. Even my happiness. I work so damn hard, but all I get are merit points. What do they count for? They're just numbers on paper. Things like that don't cut it for me. Add the pressure of ungrateful students and teachers' expectations, and you've got a nasty mix of problems. I smile often, but there's rarely a moment a genuine smile uninhibited by at least one problem can squeak out of my teeth.
This happy facade I put up is so fake. It's up to the point where self-harm has crossed my mind a couple times. But I'm able to overcome each of these terrible thoughts because I keep lying to myself, I tell myself that today I'll find something to make my life worthwhile. But that's a day that never comes. Despite that, I keep telling myself that. I don't want to lie, but even if I want to make it through each day, I lie to myself. The "hobbies" I picked up are only distractions, only delaying the problem than actually solving it. I'm scared. That my parents wouldn't understand, that an adult can't comprehend the problems of a child. Because sometimes when you see something new, you forget what you had before. If they shrug it off like nothing, I'd be totally lost.
I'm thinking of coming out to my parents, as they're unaware about any of these problems. I'm going to break down, I can't take it anymore. I regret every time I lied, to myself or my parents. I really want to stop my parents from worrying about me, as it makes me feel very very bad. But recently, I just want to feel happy, no matter how angry my parents are at me if I lie, I could care less if I was able to pass just one minute with a true smile on my face.
Re: Crippling Insecurities & Lying
Hey @Crunchyness so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. It sounds like to me you have had to make a choice between pursuing things that you enjoy and what your parents would want for you. Is that correct? Please tell me if it isn't. Receiving harsh criticism from parents, especially as a young child, can be very painful and cause us to shut down to protect ourselves. It can also make us feel guilty even though we are not really doing anything wrong.
You sound like you have a lot going for you and you seem quite accomplished which shows you have many talents and the ability to achieve your goals. These are all really good things. I also hear that you are not finding much satisfaction in this as you are unhappy inside.
Talking to your parents about what you have been experiencing could be really good for you. Maybe they have no idea about any of this. Are you seeing a counselor or a therapist currently? If not, would you consider seeing one? Talking to someone about this could help you better understand all that you are going through and how to bring it up with your parents. There is also the option of calling a support service like Kids Help Line. What do you think?
Re: Crippling Insecurities & Lying
Hey there @Crunchyness, sometimes lying is really just a way of protecting ourselves. What's pretty awesome to me is that you've been able to identify this protective factor you have been using is no longer working for you. That's self-awareness which is incredible.
You mentioned self harm - are you able to stay safe and generally avoid these urges?
We're here to listen as you need
Re: Crippling Insecurities & Lying
Sometimes it seems as if the only way to keep going is to lie to ourselves, kind of like fake it until you make it. But eventually, the lies just start to eat at you and eventually, it seems too hard not to lie anymore and let go of the only crutch you have. But...if you keep lying to yourself and others, you cannot confront the problem. If you tell yourself it does not exist and show others it does not exist, there is no one, including yourself, who can help you. That is why i must congratulate you on your bravery for admitting that there is a problem on here. It is the first step towards healing.
Personally, i hate letting people down as well. I have a lot of pressures and expectations to perform well just as you do. Like you, i feel as if no one really understands me. But do you know how i got through it? I read, read and read. I felt like the characters from books could understand me because they too have a lot riding on their decisions, and that they too suffer because of the people around them or the expectations on them. I grew stronger as they grew stronger, and eventually i could find strengths to face my problems because i want to be a hero too. These quotes explain how i feel better than i can:
“We live and breathe words. .... It was books that made me feel that perhaps I was not completely alone. They could be honest with me, and I with them."
“Sometimes, when I have to do something I don't want to do, I pretend I'm a character from a book. It's easier to know what they would do.”
So find someone or something that can relate to you. Let out your emotions through writing, art, physical exercise or whatever. Don't hold it in. There are many ways to keep yourself afloat and to give yourself hope while you start to deal with the problems, one step at a time.
As for your parents, i think you should tell them. I never thought my mother would understand me like she did and she was more angry at me for hiding the problems from her than having the problems. Sometimes we cannot face things alone and that we need help from our loved ones to get us through it. Yes, they will be angry, but only because they feel helpless when you are suffering. It is likely they will feel hurt that you did not tell them earlier. But parents want the best for their child and they would no doubt help you in whatever way they can. So please take the first step, it might be scary but if you don't take a step forward, you cannot move on. It will bring you and your parents closer. You have allies in them and things will get better, i promise you. Keep thinking positively and write down 3 things you are grateful for everyday. Who cares if you need to act in public? Everyone does it to an extent. But as long as the people you care about know the truth, that is all that matters. Asking for help does not mean you are weak, it means that you are strong enough to realise you have a problem, strong enough to admit you cannot get through it alone and strong enough to open up and trust someone with it.
You can do it. Start with one small truth at a time and slowly, the threads of lies will unravel and you will be free.
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