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Current Thoughts

I have seen many counselors, I'm seeing a psychiatrist but nothing is helping. I just go back to the  emotional state I've been in for years. I've learned a lot about why I am like this however, all the methods of trying to keep myself stable are not working. I've tried so many things to keep me at a point where I am capable to think without having 1 thought of self hatred, the past or my anxiety. I honestly feel like I have nothing to go after. I honestly think of what it would be like without me here and it looks bloody fantastic. People wouldn't have to deal with my utter bullshit I bring around me like an odor I can't get rid off. I just wanna live a normal life. Inevitably, I just want nobody to see me or love me or even say may name ever again.

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Re: Current Thoughts

Hi @Jeplar

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us at the moment. They sound really challenging. 

It must feel frustrating for you to be putting so much work into your recovery, and to feel like you're not getting anywhere. 

I want to reflect though, that as you've said  - this is your current thought, and not necessarily one that you always have. I have heard you say in other threads before that the appointments are helping a bit, and that things like music and meditation help too..

I guess the tricky thing is that recovery is a really long journey (and i don't think it ever really "arrives" at recovery.. but is a lifelong process) - and it can feel at times like you're going backwards, or staying still. 

But you are building resilience, and as you've said, you are learning more about yourself. It might take a few years, (and feel even longer) but I promise you the hard work you're putting in now, and the courage you're taking to put one foot in front of the other -  will be worth it. 

 

I'm worried about what you've said what it would be like with you being here  - just speaking from us on the forum - we really really value you here, and think you're amazing - we love hearing you reflect and share your experiences, and hear all the incredible resilience and determination you have. 
If you are feeling like you want to end your life, it is really important that you tell someone (other than us on the forum.)

Please use one of these services - either Lifeline of 13 11 14, or the Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800,  or you can chat online at eheadspace here 

They can work through these thoughts with you at any time, or just be a sound board. 

 

How do you feel after sharing your thoughts? 

 

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I'm leaving ReachOut on the 5th of June Smiley Sad Say goodbye here