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DENIAL makes me angry F*#$@%#+*!

hello everyone - really hoping for response from anyone in a similar situation and would love to chat more. I’m 24, I live with my husband and we have an 8 month old baby and a labrador. Smiley Happy

 

I have a sister (we have different dads, but her dad has been my dad since I was 4) if you know what I mean. She just turned 18 (has always been a baby to me) she’s 7 years younger.

 

So our mum is amazing so kind and caring and loving BUT turns into a complete spawn of the devil psycho when she’s drunk. She has verbally and physically  abused myself and my sister on and off for most of our lives. We are told by our dad never to tell her in the morning what had happened the night before because we don’t want to upset her. All my life I was blamed for my mums attacks, she and dad would tell all other family members that I was a bitch of a child and they’d tried everything. I would runaway from home but always felt too guilty leaving my sister there. But I thought that since my dad (step-dad) was my sisters real sad, that he would never let mum do anything bad to her. I moved out when I was 17 after a bad argument with my parents. Everything seemed ok for a while. Then when I would see my sister she started telling me about mum verbally abusing her and it eventually became physical abuse. Long story short I drove to their place (one hour away) picked up my sister and she is now living with us. She needed to get some of her belongings from their place tonight so I drove her there  and our mum was so angry screaming at us calling me every name under the sun, and denied everything she said she didn’t hurt my sister that she was being a spoilt private schooled bitch and that we’re not welcome here and to fuck off blah blah. I told her about the times she physically abused me when I was younger and she laughed in my face and started verbally attacking me using every insecurity that she knows I have. Mean while our dad is in the back ground saying to me and my sister  “this isn’t the right time,” “you’re doing more harm than good” “why did you have to do this” blah blah. He is a weak as piss f@^#+= who is our mums number one enabler and ALWAYS defends her behavior. He has shut out literally everyone from their life, family friends etc. and tries to convince us to never talk about what goes on. It’s. SICK. He just takes her abuse. Now that my sister is out of there he is the only one left for her to get angry at. Maybe he deserves to cop it since he never helped me or my sister, he usually threw us under the bus!  

 

Also I honestly feel like I’m the parent of my sister! She self harms and has suicidal thoughts. I’ve had to organise doctors and professional help for her. Meanwhile trying to look after my family and myself.  They just make me so angry. I haven’t even written down half of the story but hopefully there’s  some idea. They shouldn’t be parents !! It’s fu$#ed. I am waiting for an apology from her I will never get. Harboring anger and it’s eating me up. I feel like she owes me something! Then all of a sudden I feel guilt and sadness for her and I want to cry because she’s sick and sad and just mentally ill.  Oh god I hope any of this makes sense 

Re: DENIAL makes me angry F*#$@%#+*!

Hey @XxnxX,wow, that really does seem like a lot is going on for you and I'm sorry to hear that you're not getting the support that you need from your parents. Especially at a time where you have such a young child, I imagine that it must be really hard to feel like you also need to care for your sister and that you don't have any support from your parents either. I think it's amazing that you've come as far as you have, and I also think it's commendable that you've chosen to reach out and talk about your experiences. 

 

On a positive note, I think these experiences have the opportunity to shape you into a really understanding and caring mother, as you understand what it's like to feel like you have been defending yourself from such a young age. What you have been through sounds really hard, and I don't want to downplay that, but I think there will eventually be a silver lining in the amount of wisdom that you can take from it and apply to your own parenting Smiley Happy

 

How is your sister feeling about the whole situation now that she's living with you? I notice that you said that you are organising all the doctor's appointments for her - does she not also want to help herself?

I also completely understand what you mean when you talk about some of the issues you've had with your mother. I've definitely had experiences where people close to me have a bad relationship with alcohol and it makes them lash out. And it can be really hard to always hold them accountable for it, because a bit in you wants to say that it's not them, it's just the alcohol. But I think at the end of the day, if the alcohol is something that they choose to go back to, and they don't see anything wrong with their behaviour, then that will be a part of them until they see the need for change. So I feel like they are still accountable for the actions that they do. But that's just my opinion and it's certainly not one that you have to agree with wholeheartedly. I can just say that I definitely understand where you are coming from .

 

Let me know how everything goes, we are all here for you and if you ever need a good vent, then feel free to pop on here and talk about it Smiley Happy 

-BasketOfMonkeys

Re: DENIAL makes me angry F*#$@%#+*!

Thank you so much for your response @basketofmonkeys.  I really hope you’re right about the parenting part. Sometimes I worry about becoming like my own mum.   

 

My sister is ok, she knows it’s the right thing for her to have left but I can tell she’s sad and feeling guilty. I am too. But at least she’s here and we have each other. As much as I’m angry with our mum, I hope we can be on speaking terms sometime so that my son can have her in his life, even though he would only see her before midday as that’s usually when she starts drinking if she is not at work. But better than nothing I guess. 

 

 

I agree with you about them being accountable for their behavior and actions. At the moment I feel like our mum has chosen alcohol over her  two daughters and her only grandson! After everything my sister and I have been through because of her drinking!! I know it’s not really a choice for her to drink now, if she stops it would be dangerous but she acts like it’s her choice and says she will never change. But then usually soon after abuse she will be overly nice to my sister or I and make us feel guilty then we go back to her and there are absolutely no consequences for her actions. Ahhhhh. 

 

@basketofmonkeys Thank you again for your support 

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Re: DENIAL makes me angry F*#$@%#+*!

Hey there @XxnxX and welcome to ReachOut Smiley Happy

 

Thank you for sharing your story with us, it sounds like there is a lot going on for you right now. It is wonderful how caring and compassionate you are towards your sister, as well as taking care of your own family. It's okay to feel worried that you might turn out like your own mum, but from your posts, I can tell that you are a compassionate and loving person. 

 

It's okay to be angry at your mum over her behaviour. It can be frustrating when parents don't act like parents should and as @basketofmonkeys mentioned, there's no excuse for their behaviour. You mentioned that you've arranged professional help for your sister, is that something you've sought out too? Talking with someone such as a counselor or psychologist can be helpful in dealing with the anger and guilt that you're feeling. What do you think?

 


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Re: DENIAL makes me angry F*#$@%#+*!

Thank you Jay-RO for your response. That’s very kind of you and I hope you’re right Smiley Happy

 

I have sought help before I may go and see someone again soon. It helps to talk face to face.

Re: DENIAL makes me angry F*#$@%#+*!

@XxnxX  seeing someone sounds like a good idea - talking face to face with someone certainly is helpful for a lot of people. 

Please let us know how you go, - we will be here to cheer you on! 

Re: DENIAL makes me angry F*#$@%#+*!

Hey @XxnxX, just checking in and seeing how you're going! I hope you're doing well - sending lots of positive vibes your way Smiley Happy