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Depression and self-harm - nothings helping!

I've been suffering with depression for the past 3 years, and have been suicidal for about 2.  I started seeing the school counselor in the year 8 because one of my teachers were worried about me, but I didn't tell her anything.  Last year I started seeing a counselor outside of school, but its still not helping... 

I have only told one adult about my self-harming, my counselor doesn't know and no one in my family knows either.  I have scars on my fore arm, my wrist, my leg and belly.

Everything is getting worse, and no matter how hard I try I can't hide it, I can't put on a fake smile anymore.
I really want to commit suicide, its all I want to do, but a small part of me doesn't want to do it!  I don't know what to do anymore! :'(

Re: Depression and self-harm - nothings helping!

Hey there jess, 

I'm so glad you've come onto ReachOut to share what's going on for you, it sounds like it's been really tough. The first thing I want to tell you is that suicide is never the answer, and I think the small part of you that doesn't want to do it (no matter how tiny that part is) is the part of yourself that you should be listening to, and I also think that that's the part of you that knows there's still hope. Suicide might seem like the only way out, but I PROMISE, there is so much more to life than what's going on for you now, and there's so much more you've yet to experience. Life does get better, and we're all here to help you on your way to making it better. 

You say that you've told one person about your self-harming, so it sounds like that's someone you really trust; are you still in touch with that person and do you think it would be helpful to talk more with them about how you're feeling? I'd also really encourage to tell your counsellor about your self-harming and suicidal thoughts, as they're really the person who would be able to help you with it. Maybe you should also share with them about how you feel like the sessions aren't helping, perhaps they'd be able to change their approach, or maybe refer you to someone else who could help you more. 

For now, I'd encourage you to find some things to do to relax or distract yourself whenever you feel like self-harming or if you're just having a bad day... We recently had a Getting Real session on coping strategies, which you might like to check out: http://forums.au.reachout.com/t5/The-Getting-Real-sessions/I-just-can-t-cope/td-p/29706

Some of the many coping strategies we came up with included: music, excercising, eating, socialising/talking to friends and family, watching tv, meditation, shopping, hugging a pet... Perhaps you should come up with your own list of coping strategies to get through the really tough days. 

 

Hope that helps, take care <3

Re: Depression and self-harm - nothings helping!

i still talk to the lady who knows about my self-harming, we talk regularly... she's the only person that knows everything about whats going on...
my counselor knows about the suicidal, but she thinks everything is getting better. i have tried to tell her, but its to hard

Re: Depression and self-harm - nothings helping!

Well that's good to hear you've got someone to talk to about everything. What makes it so hard to talk to your counsellor? Have you thought about maybe writing down what you want to say to her beforehand?

Re: Depression and self-harm - nothings helping!

i've tried writing it down, but when it comes to saying it or giving it to her i cant... i don't know why! Smiley Sad

Re: Depression and self-harm - nothings helping!

Hi Jess, welcome to Reach Out. It takes so much courage to tell someone you are in pain, and I'm so glad you found us. You said you have been dealing with depression and self-harming for three years, and you are thinking of ending your life. Those thoughts can just be thoughts, you don't have to act on them. Focus on that small part of you that doesn't want to go through with it, because that is the part of you that wants to live. That part of you doesn't want to end your life, but it does want to end the pain you feel.

There are people out there who can help you, and I encourage you to call the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. Their counsellors are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and it's free to call. You are so brave to have come here and share your story, and I hope you can take the next step and talk to a counsellor.

 

It's really important to have a safety plan for when you feel suicidal or the urge to self-harm. Tell yourself you will wait an hour and distract yourself by doing something that feels good - call a counselor, have a warm bath, take a walk, scream into a pillow. Some users on Reach Out have shared their safety box strategy which they fill with writing or art supplies, reasons not to self-harm written on paper, soft toys or anything that will remind you why you don't want to do this.

 

Is there a reason you haven't opened up to your counselor about your self-harm? Not everyone clicks with a counselor or psychologist the first time. If you don't feel comfortable being open with yours, it's ok to find another one. Having a great mental health support network is the best thing you can do to start managing your depression, so if you think your current situation isn't working, visit a GP and ask what else you can try.

 

You're not alone. We're all here for you and we know how strong you are. I hope you can take the next step and speak to a counselor as soon as possible, whether it's your current one or the people at the Suicde Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

 

 

 

Re: Depression and self-harm - nothings helping!

i click with my counselor, I'm scared she will tell my dad and i don't want him on my back about it.
i don't want to fight it anymore Smiley Sad

Re: Depression and self-harm - nothings helping!

Everything you speak about with your counselor should be confidential. If you are worried, you can remain anonymous when you call a counselling line such as Suicide Call Back Service, so nobody will be able to contact your parents.

Re: Depression and self-harm - nothings helping!

but my local counselor would tell my parents if she thought i might not be safe...

Re: Depression and self-harm - nothings helping!

Hi Jess

It is ok to talk about self-harm and feeling suicidal with your counsellor. They are trained to help you and will not betray your trust unless they feel the need to let your parents in. I am sure your parents cares about you and being afraid of how they will react means you care about them too. I believe it would really help if your parents could be part of the team that help you get through this tough time.

You mentioned you don't want to fight anymore. I can understand. It is a hard battle to fight on your own. However, there are people like your therapist, parents and your trusted "lady" who would like to lift some of that burden off your shoulders. All it takes is trust them.

Believe you will get through this and believe others are there for you. Don't forget we are always here too.

Doris