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Depression consuming me

I've debated making a thread for a while now, and I decided to write this and see where it took me.
 
I'm exhausted. I feel so low and depressed. Getting out of bed feels an effort. But staying in bed makes me feel useless. But I don't feel any better getting up and getting dressed. 
 
I'm neglecting study. It's too hard. Too time consuming. Too much.
 
I'm neglecting personal hygiene,  showing only the night prior to work (sometimes not even that)
 
I don't know how I'm managing to get up and go to work and complete my job. Maybe because it's only 15 hours a week?
 
I feel like nothing is changing overall. Nothing feels good. Even colouring feels too hard at times. I'm part of colouring groups and their pages are so beautiful and I feel like mine are mess and gross in comparison (which is my brain going crazy because a couple people I know have said they love them).
 
I guess I'm just lost in life. Lost in myself. It's so ******* hard! 
 
Somedays I feel nothing. Otherdays I feel intense saddness and every sad emotion. I feel agitated and easily frustrated. 
 
My psychiatrist who I saw via video link (being rural it's my only option) said she thought I seemed better this month, more animated and emotive compared to the previous month. She said she thinks there's a lot of environmental factors regarding my living situation and family, but thats nothing I can change right now.
(Phonecall with GP the following day) I got the sense from my GP she felt differently, I was definitely a lot lower when I spoke to my GP than when I saw my psychiatrist. She asked if the covid pandemic was impacting me and this feeling. I doubt it. It feels like a worsening of my mental health in general, it's felt like a downward slide for so long and I feel like I cannot stop it...
 
I feel so lost and so hopeless. Part of me wants the pain and suffering to end but I don't know how to get to that place where I don't feel like life is pointless. 
 
I am Safe 


Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

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Re: Depression consuming me

Hey, I just wanted to say that I believe in you and this feeling is only temporary. I wish you all the best, sometimes it feels like the days blend into each other and nothing feels good anymore and it’s hard. It’s really damn hard. Even hard to do things that you like or that make you feel better, but please don’t lose hope ♥️ This earth is rather lovely with you in it
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Re: Depression consuming me

@Bee hi there, thanks for posting- super brave of you! Even us bobs and mods can use the forum to get some reassurance every now and again.

 

It sounds like you are in a rough headspace. @Lizardneck has some kind words that I'd like to add too: practise self-care and seek some support if you need. It's great that you are engaging in telehealth- have you thought of live chat counselling? It can be great for day to day check-ins and is generally faster than waiting for the bigger appointments. Do you have anyone around you irl who you can check in with also? Or vent too? 

 

I'm proud of your honest Bee, keep us posted if you like, we'll be here Smiley Happy

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Re: Depression consuming me

Hi @Bee 

 

Sorry for not replying earlier - it's really strange but your post did not come up for me, and I just noticed it now. I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time at the moment. I'm glad to hear that despite all that's going on, you're still going to work, and still able to recognize that your colouring actually is good, it's just your mind playing tricks on you or "going crazy" like you said. It sounds like you're comparing yourself to others in your drawing club which is the worst feeling, but it can be hard to avoid or stop doing at times, esp. when we feel bad about ourselves. I'm really glad that you shared how you're feeling with us Heart, and I just want you to know that we're here for you Heart. I know it's hard to believe right now, but I think you can get through this and improve. Just give it time and keep trying. We'll be here for you along the way...

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Re: Depression consuming me

Hi @Bee I just wanted to offer my support and warmth to you - I know how hard and often lonely a spell of depression can feel and I wish I could do more to take that way from you. I am also very proud of you for reaching out to us as I know youre probably aware how impactful talking on this forum can be.

I know you mentioned your home and family environment are negatively impacting you and im so sorry that is something you cannot change right now. I know how that feels as I have been in that exact situation and know that I too was eventually able to change that. I know how helpless that must make you feel but I encourage you to hold on to hope that when the timing is right, a change in the current will come and you will have more control over your living environment. Until then, keep talking to us on the forums and remembering all the good you have around you.

Also, have you tried getting different colouring tools? E.g. brush tip textas always make my colouring look like a pro!
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Re: Depression consuming me

Thanks @Lizardneck @Tay100 @Maddy-RO @Wolfie_ for responding.

I haven't had the energy to even think to reply, but I did read the responses a few days ago when I finally checked my emails. (to also find over 600+ promotions emails, and then a heap of updates from job search websites and whatever google puts in there ugh)

 

I know the feeling, for the most part, is temporary. The lows where I feel nothing and have no desire to do anything, are hanging around more often and staying longer than desired. Like a fly on a hot summers day that won't leave you alone. 

 

I know there are lines and webchats to reach out for help, but I haven't used them. I know for me the best time they are most helpful is when I'm in crisis - which this isn't what I would call a crisis. They work best when I'm in a panic or when I'm feeling unsafe. 

 

I have some friends, but they all have their own stuff, and I'm wary not to overload them with the heaviness of my brain. And the ones who live locally just don't get it.

 

It's not just comparing my efforts to others' but also to my expectation - and I think that's the hardest part, is that expectation doesn't equal reality often.

I do have brush tip markers, but I prefer pencils (I now have 4 quality sets and a few odd pencils of another brand) it's easier to manage and I can add to it later without it leaving a drying streak. I'm experimenting with water-soluble pencils and it's both awesome and so very tricky.


Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

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Re: Depression consuming me

Hiya @Bee 

 

Thanks for stopping by, we are glad you could make it, especially with all your business!

It's great to hear how self-aware you are, that you know when and how mental health resources work best for you, including this one! I hope the arts experimentation stuff works well too!