Depression consuming me
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Thanks @Lizardneck @Tay100 @Maddy-RO @Wolfie_ for responding.
I haven't had the energy to even think to reply, but I did read the responses a few days ago when I finally checked my emails. (to also find over 600+ promotions emails, and then a heap of updates from job search websites and whatever google puts in there ugh)
I know the feeling, for the most part, is temporary. The lows where I feel nothing and have no desire to do anything, are hanging around more often and staying longer than desired. Like a fly on a hot summers day that won't leave you alone.
I know there are lines and webchats to reach out for help, but I haven't used them. I know for me the best time they are most helpful is when I'm in crisis - which this isn't what I would call a crisis. They work best when I'm in a panic or when I'm feeling unsafe.
I have some friends, but they all have their own stuff, and I'm wary not to overload them with the heaviness of my brain. And the ones who live locally just don't get it.
It's not just comparing my efforts to others' but also to my expectation - and I think that's the hardest part, is that expectation doesn't equal reality often.
I do have brush tip markers, but I prefer pencils (I now have 4 quality sets and a few odd pencils of another brand) it's easier to manage and I can add to it later without it leaving a drying streak. I'm experimenting with water-soluble pencils and it's both awesome and so very tricky.
Hiya @Bee
Thanks for stopping by, we are glad you could make it, especially with all your business!
It's great to hear how self-aware you are, that you know when and how mental health resources work best for you, including this one! I hope the arts experimentation stuff works well too!
I know you mentioned your home and family environment are negatively impacting you and im so sorry that is something you cannot change right now. I know how that feels as I have been in that exact situation and know that I too was eventually able to change that. I know how helpless that must make you feel but I encourage you to hold on to hope that when the timing is right, a change in the current will come and you will have more control over your living environment. Until then, keep talking to us on the forums and remembering all the good you have around you.
Also, have you tried getting different colouring tools? E.g. brush tip textas always make my colouring look like a pro!
Hi @Bee
Sorry for not replying earlier - it's really strange but your post did not come up for me, and I just noticed it now. I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time at the moment. I'm glad to hear that despite all that's going on, you're still going to work, and still able to recognize that your colouring actually is good, it's just your mind playing tricks on you or "going crazy" like you said. It sounds like you're comparing yourself to others in your drawing club which is the worst feeling, but it can be hard to avoid or stop doing at times, esp. when we feel bad about ourselves. I'm really glad that you shared how you're feeling with us 
, and I just want you to know that we're here for you . I know it's hard to believe right now, but I think you can get through this and improve. Just give it time and keep trying. We'll be here for you along the way...
@Bee hi there, thanks for posting- super brave of you! Even us bobs and mods can use the forum to get some reassurance every now and again.
It sounds like you are in a rough headspace. @Lizardneck has some kind words that I'd like to add too: practise self-care and seek some support if you need. It's great that you are engaging in telehealth- have you thought of live chat counselling? It can be great for day to day check-ins and is generally faster than waiting for the bigger appointments. Do you have anyone around you irl who you can check in with also? Or vent too?
I'm proud of your honest Bee, keep us posted if you like, we'll be here 🙂
