This semester, I made a decision to take on more than I could handle. Juggling five uni courses, volunteering, a relationship, and studying for an annual exam took its toll...I really thought that I could handle it.
As the semester progressed over time, I became more and more agitated and apathetic towards everything. Couldn't even calm myself down and just began getting really angry, upset and sad. A few weeks ago, I indulged in a very dangerous outlet. I was really sick, and being really stupid, I mixed several kinds of medication with alcohol. I'm afraid that will happen again...My mood would just fluctuate all the time~ I'd say really nasty things to my boyfriend - which he doesn't deserve at all. But yet, he still stays with me However, I want to leave but I don't know whether it's just my depression coming back or whether I'm genuinely unhappy about my relationship...
Both of us are in different stages in our lives, where I'm further ahead. Being 'further ahead', it's annoying seeing my boyfriend - who's a graduate - do very little with his life. It makes me sounds so shallow, which it is We have very different outlooks on life and careers in general. I believe that you've got to put in the hard work to get anywhere in life, whereas, he believes that you just do your own thing and that things come along naturally.
I've noticed that a lot of my anger stems from 'the greed to succeed' and the fear that I may one day become my mum - who has made some bad choices in her life. Unfortunately, I've been lashing out at him a lot, and it makes me feel horrible when he says that he forgives me for it...He's starting to become cross with me for not finding help and says that I'm just making excuses. But he doesn't understand that it's more complicated than that.
Hotlines aren't my thing, eheadspace doesn't help, I only have 2 free sessions left from the Mental Health Scheme Plan for the year, private psychologists cost heaps...
These nights, I just cry because I'm so scared about how this will affect me in the next few years - in all kinds of relationships, how I work with people, and how I study. I hate my hometown and there's nothing more that I wish for than getting the hell out of here. I piled up this semester in the hope that I might graduate on time at the end of next year. This is because my parents have no idea that during my first year of uni, I failed 3/4 of my courses because I couldn't accept the decisions I made after uni offers were given out. They don't know that I'm studying an Arts degree now, not some fancy Science degree that they had hoped for...
I'm so screwed! I just need to get out, but I don't know how...it's all so f*cking painful.
Sorry this is long
Hey @lacey-nine - it's great that you're here. Something's not right and it's great that you trying to find the right help that suits you. The peer support you can get here on the forums might be right for you.
I'll leave for others to reply coz I know a lot of people here have been in a similar situation to you and got through it but the one thing I did want to say for you to consider carefully your thoughts about helplines and the reason why you think eheadspace doesn't work- it can take multiple attempts to connect with someone on a helpline or eheadspace that clicks with you. I know a lot of people who had all but ruled them out only to finally find someone on the other end that they actually connected with and the HUGE difference it makes. The other good thiing about eheadspace is they can help you connect in with your local heaspace centre where you can get bulk billed sessions with counsellors, psychologists/psychiartrists as well as youth workers and groups and a range of supports.
Also, have you tried any of the activity threads we have like "I'm grateful for..." "Turning negatives in positives" - there are quite a few in here. Challenging negative thinking is all about training your brain, and while you can't always change the situation you are in - you can change the way you think about it. When ever I remind myself of that it always gives me a great sense of empowerment and agency to change. I feel less hopeless..... Hope that helps somewhat...
Keep reaching out
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hey there @lacey-nine
it sounds like you have so much going on! it can definitely be difficult to know where to seek help, especially if you have already tried other online services or are finding it too expensive to see private psychologist. that's why the the reach out forums are such an amazing alternative and i really hope you can keep coming back here when you need support.
it sounds like you have been feeling pretty down and are trying to do some things to make you feel better. sometimes we think doing "dangerous" things will help us to show other people on the outside how we are feeling on the inside, or even sometimes we might just be doing dangerous things because we want some way to feel "alive". it's important to remember that while these activites may be a temporary fix, they don't help us in the long run. you've noticed already that mixing medications and alochols is not too smart so remember this when you feel like doing it again. you could even write yourself a note and include other ways to feel better (eg come to reach out forums).
you and your boyfriend may be at different stages in life and also have different attitudes, and this can definitely be frustrating, but to me if you've found the right "person" those other things like careers and direction can be worked on. when i met my partner she worked at a supermarket twice a week and she hated her job but just never bothered to quit. once she met met, i helped her to see that there were better things out there, assisted with a resume and cover letter, drove her to places to hand them out and now she works full time in a job that she loves. it's certainly not easy supporting someone who can't see the point in what you're trying to help them with - but if they are worth it then the effort is worth it! if they aren't worth it, maybe move on?
when i find myself confused and living what feels like some 'secret' life because i've been too scared to open up with those around me, i set some goals. things i want or need in order to feel better… for example, if you went to sleep over night and everything changed and your life was exactly how you wanted it to be, what would thinks look when you woke up?would you be studying? would you be with your boyfriend still? would your parents know what you are studying? would you be seeing a psychologist? -- these are the things you need to think about and then you can work on ways to get there.
why don't you write a list of things you want/need to happen so you can feel better and start to move away from this pain?
@lacey-nine you really have loaded yourself up! Sometimes when you take on such a heavy load you can become apathetic, flat and angry - it's a natural reaction to overworking and don't be upset at yourself for feeling this way! (Also, you're probably tired!!) I'm really impressed with how you've committed yourself to working hard and you clearly demonstrate persistence, dedication and a hard work ethic beyond the average person.
However, I urge you to remember that, as frustrating as it can be, you can't control other people and that everyone has their own subjective experience in life. For some, hard work and persistence is part of reality, but this is not the same for everyone. While it is awesome that you have really applied yourself to your study, try not to have the blinders on and miss other components of life. I would encourage you to take some time each day to really experience and indulge in the current moment - it can be very tiring always focusing on the future!
It might be that your boyfriend is just enjoying his current situation and is therefore not as focused on the future. However, if it isn't working for you, perhaps you should have a talk to him about it.
I really feel for you as I understand what it is to apply yourself to a goal and dedicate your entire being to its achievement - but from experience I would really encourage you to keep everything in perspective (grades, careers, relationships etc.) and understand that life isn't about being perfect, working yourself to the bone and missing out on the present. I've been told by numerous oldies that life is about the means and not the end. By all means continue to work hard (I love hearing when people get after it!) but don't be so focused on the future that you miss out on the present. Think about what type of life you want to look back on
I hope you work it soon, let us know
@Sophie-RO I've tried helplines a few times in the past but I think it's just really not my thing. Might go back to eheadspace again, as I've only tried it once. Thank you for the threads - sometimes I forget there is some good stuff happening
@lanejane You've pretty much summed up a great deal of what I'm feeling at the moment. I've helped my boyfriend as much as I can with finding jobs or doing other things so that he can gain further experience. It has been really frustrating and I've been growing impatient over time You're right with that it's not easy supporting someone who doesn't really see that you're trying to help either. At times, I feel that I'm doing all the work for him... Our views clash sometimes and in some cases, we agree to disagree - or it's just inconclusive in a weird way. You've asked some good questions too that I'll have to think about over the holidays too. Thank you for the suggesting on making goals
@tsnyder Work-life balance is hard I actually do all of these things because I enjoy the opportunities they bring. The awkward part is that fun, work, and everything else is so integrated with each other that I sometimes can't tell anymore. FOMO is also a thing I've got to work through too. Yeah, I got to be reminded sometimes that people and the lives they lead are all different. I think I just hate seeing (what I perceive) people who throw their potential away - my boyfriend doesn't see the point of learning another language or volunteering as he perceives it as a waste of time. Thank you for reminding me about the journey that life is, rather than just end results
I'll try to breathe, guys. Thanks
it's great that you're keeping a positive attitude about this and staying true to your beliefs. It's really inspiring that you juggle so much, especially volunteering and see a lot of worth in it
It must be frustrating to feel like you're doing the work for your boyfriend. I think it's important to always remember your own needs and wants too and put yourself first
@lacey-nine how are you going?
Just wanted to chime in and say that its great you have made your way to ReachOut! you are really open to suggestions which is great and will no doubt help in making things better for yourself. Definitely give headspace another go! You dont have to use the helpline at all even, you can make an appointment to go in or you can chat online to someone aswell. They have heaps of great resources
I know what you mean about wanting more for people and not wanting them to waste their potential. Have you spoken about this with your boyfriend? Like told him why you worry/ why it bothers you? I dont think that its shallow - wanting others to be happy and learn new things, take control and live up to their potential is probably really a sign of caring
It might be that he is just scared? If you try then you can fail.. but if youdont try then you cant fail ya know, he might need some encouragement?
Are you guys able to talk openly about this kind of thing?
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