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Hi ..

um this is really my first time and I'm a bit new to this..

I am 17 years old and have just graduated high school.

Its only now that I realise school was simply a means to drown my sorrows in, to keep myself busy so that I can never really deal with myself...I've come to the realisisation that I am a very damaged person.. As a consequence from my very difficult childhood.

but now that schools no longer important I've been doing some thinking lately .

I realised that ..because of my own relationship with my family and the constant amount of fear and hate I've been subject to from a young age (Situation has improved slightly) I can never have a normal relationship . With friends or a possible boyfriend or even the family members that I cherish...I have a rather confusing delemour in which I desperately want to repair relationships but I also fear them. I can't even appreciate or deal with simple things such as affection. I don't know how to deal with my own emotions ..I can give good advice but when it comes to myself I wouldn't know where to start..I'm so messed up that..I don't even know how to show people or tell them I care. Sometimes I feel like a monster incapable of showing anything to anyone ...and than I start the vicious cycle of doubt and self hate....I really just want to be normal...I'm tired of dealing with all my problems I can't remember how many times I've picked myself up off the floor again and again just feels like I'm shattered pieces of a person stuck together with glue and duck tape...and I'm starting to fall apart slightly I find myself incredibly miserable at times and I don't even know why. I feel alone but some mental illness seems to be stopping me from reaching out ..from asking for help because I'm afraid of being vulnerable ...I've always looked after other people that I don't even remember how to look after myself I speak a big game but really I'm just a pathetic soulless being empty and numb's like I've contained myself in these walls I built and I don't know how to break them down..the same walls that used to protect now make me feel like a prisoner I can never connect with another human being makes me feel like a freak sometimes .. Though I might never admit it in real life ...I'm afraid afraid that I will push everyone away and wind up alone ...I break and destroy everything I love because it scares me....I'm a mixed up being who needs your help desperately I hate the way I am more than anything I just want to be okay again. I want to be able to deal with myself but I haven't the foggiest of what to do so here I am with you random people ...because you are the only people I can rely on an ask ..HOW DO I HELP MYSELF? Please give me the answer ...I'm desperate 


Re: Desperate

Hey @Featherz


Thanks for sharing with us on here! You mention that it's hard to ReachOut and get help from others, but guess what. You just did!


I think it's important to remember that well-being and being mentally healthy are skills that you learn and sharpen up over time. The story you have shared with us here is the beggining of that journey, now it's time to start thinking about what the next step is to take!


Likewise, you can build skills in the world of relationships and friendships and it's never too late to start learning. 


I want to introduce you to two concepts 


Self care   and   Self Talk


Have you heard about these before? What do you think about them? 





Re: Desperate

Hello @Featherz


Welcome to RO. I am kind of thinking the way that you could try and help your self is if you do something like going out with your friends or your family. It sometimes works for me but not always because I have trouble with my uncle and he gose everywere with us but he doesn't live with my family.


I hope this could work for you. Keep posting so we know how you are going.


Re: Desperate

Hi @Featherz


Thanks for sharing how you have been feeling with us. I think that you were really brave in your post being honest with how you have been feeling, especially when you mentioned that you are scared of being vulnerable.  How did you feel about making that post?


Reaching out for help from others is a great way to start helping yourself!! So you definitely made a great first step!!


What did you think of the posts @Ben-RO made? They can be full on concepts when you first approach them, if you want some help nutting through them, we are here for you!


Let us know how you are going, if you would like Smiley Happy


Also, do you like birds? Because of your awesome username, @Featherz, I just had to ask! I have become a bit bird crazy lately... Smiley Wink 

|| Life runs in cycles, the wheel never stops turning, no matter how dark the night morning comes, no matter how cold the winter, spring comes. When you feel despair know that the wheel is turning, joy will come. ||