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Don't know what to do next


Just going through a tough moment in my life. I can't talk to friends or family because they will look down at me, so I thought I could just get these things off my chest. ok


I'm a 26yo male. To start, I very confused with my sexuality at the moment, I know that i'm gay, but i don't know if i can lead a gay life. I have never been in a relationship with anyone and I want to have a relationship but most guys i have met are horrible people (maybe i'm going about it the wrong way). Pretty much everyone I know are homophobic Including my family and best friend. I want to come out but I would need to be able to support myself, i know that no-one i know will help me. 


Due to bad luck, I am in a big debt that is holding me back from moving out. To top that off, Im in a dead end shitty job that I cant seem to get out of. I know people tell me "be happy that you have a job". But now that it affects my health, Id rather be jobless.


I hate going out because I suffer from anxiety to the point that I vomit every time. I just usually stay at home and eat myself to death (im at 133kg), or tinker with my car (my only escape).


I drove to queensland recently to visit my best friend. He announced that he is getting married, and i am very happy for him. I have known this guy all my life and i would give my life for him, but, I cannot tell him my deepest secrets. No im not in love with him, he is homophobic and he just thinks i am a very happy guy. He asked me to be his best man. I feel very selfish because i said no. I know the wedding isn't about me, i just cannot bring myself to stand infront of all those people, or stand beside my best mate knowing that he doesn't know who i really am. It make me sick to my stomach.


People see me as a happy go lucky guy that doesn't have a care in the world, im a big burly bloke that likes to get my hands dirty, so I guess i am pretty good at hiding my emotions though.


I don't want to seem like im having a whinge, maybe i should grow up because i know that there are people out there that have it way worse than i do. Just needed to get it off my chest and i don't know what to do next.






Re: Don't know what to do next

It's important and healthy to express how you feel @motorhead , so it's definitely not about needing to grow up or having a whinge. You're welcome to share that with us here. Smiley Happy If you really really need to talk to someone right now, check out this link.


What you're going through is common for a lot of young Australians. Coming out can be hard but it can also be awesome. It can be tough to build up the confidence to express how you feel and share who you really are.


If your friend really is your best mate, do you really think he wouldn't accept you for who you are?


Do you think some of your unhappiness stems from feeling like you can't be who you really want to be?



Re: Don't know what to do next

Before I come out, I need to make sure I have somewhere to go. My family (homophobics) would kick me out, no doubt about it. I know I could defend my self physically against my brothers if i needed to (hopefully it doesn;t get to that).

As for my friend, he is the person i am closet to. I know he would hate it. I have seen the way he treats gays. Maybe I should give him the flick, but I would be devastated If i ruined our relationship.

Im unhappy because im not who i want to be. But i dont know how or when i will be that person.

Re: Don't know what to do next

@motorhead hey and welcome to ReachOut.

I just wanted to say that knowing who you are if a very important thing and although you can't really be who you really are, you still know.
Do you have any other friends or family that you know would support you?
You say that you don't know how or when you will be that person. The how, that is something you just are. There is no real how to be yourself you just be. I know that sounds confusing but if you stay true to what you want, do what you want to do and believe in yourself then you are being yourself. When? I don't know if this would work for you but try being yourself now. Don't hide who you are from your family but don't bring it up. Are you in any relationships currently? As opposed to hiding who you are, being yourself while not telling your family who that self is could be an option as your family might not connect the dots.

I'm sorry if anything I've said has offended you at all.
You'll be okay. That is the important thing. No matter how tough things seem to be getting, things will turn out alright.

Re: Don't know what to do next

There might be a person i can tell. I will have to sus it out first because i do not want this getting back to my family while i live with them. by brothers have a history of violence. so until im out, they cannot know.
I might make a phone call tomorrow and see what happens. I feel sick

Re: Don't know what to do next

I do wish i was in a relationship. One day. hopefully soon

Re: Don't know what to do next

Hi @motorhead
Firstly, well done on speaking out! Your situation sounds like it is causing you a lot of grief, but you have already shown strength by seeking help here Smiley Happy It is really good to see that you are able to plan ahead and make arrangements to keep you safe if you decide to come out to your family. Your safety is incredibly important. As Lex pointed out, your friend might not be such a good friend after all if you think he would end your friendship if you came out. You said he would hate it, but it could also be possible that you coming out might be the thing that changes his mind- thinking "hey, this guy is my best friend and he's gay..perhaps gay people aren't so bad after all". That's probably a long shot in your case, but it's another perspective worth thinking about. You mentioned that you suffer from severe social anxiety and have poor coping mechanisms (food), have you ever sought professional help for this? This might be a good thing to focus on improving so that you can find good support networks and friends. There are definitely LGBT groups that you could get involved with online (, since you find face to face interaction difficult. You said you would really like a relationship soon and while finding someone to share our lives with can be very rewarding it is also important to focus on your own health and wellbeing as an individual and to work through any problems you might be facing. If you are seriously considering getting out there, why not try a gay dating website? And hey, it's totally okay and BRAVE to speak out here. You certainly aren't having a whinge, venting is a great way to work through issues and you've done a really positive thing for yourself by posting here. Well done Smiley Happy

Let us know how you get on,

Re: Don't know what to do next

@motorhead you are definitely not having a whinge! it doesnt matter if people have it worse off than you or not, this is your life and your reality and if it is causing you pain then its a worthwhile thing to talk about and try and get through!


Thankyou for posting! Im really sorry to hear that you feel like you wont be supported by your family or friends if you come out, i cant even imagine how crappy that must feel. A lot of people make fun of what they dont understand, and I guess this includes sexualities other than their own. Unfortunately people dont realise that these people are normal, just like everyone else, and are even their best friends!


Can you look for another job? Or maybe do a course that will help you get a job you enjoy more? Even if its an online course it could still be good for building up skills that employers want.


Do you see anyone about your anxiety? It sounds really full on if you cant go out! Thats terrible. If you are worried about the cost of talking to a counsellor or psychologist you can call places like Lifeline (13 11 14) for free,(or web chat with them) or  eHeadspace also have phone and web counselling and you can find your nearest headspace centre where you can get face to face counselling for free


As for being confused, being gay or not being gay, leading that lifestyle might only be shown to be possible if you find someone you can picture leading it with?  maybe you are seeking the wrong people because you arent in a happy place yourself? You might unknowingly be attracting people that are also in a funk and thus seem to be horrible (unless they are actually straight up horrible and in that case that sucks)


qlife is a peer support website for GLBTIQ (or even confused!)  they also have phone support services (1800 184 527) which might be helpful for you to have a chat and get support from many others that would have been in similar situations. they could definitely give you some advice on what you are going through and might prove to be a really great support network for if you do decide to come out


hope you are going well and keep us updated!

take care

Re: Don't know what to do next

Well. It took alot out of me but I did it. I told a person who is very close to me. My heart went a million miles and hour and just before the call, I got really anxious (I wont get into detail lol). So far Im a happy that someone knows. I still havn't told my best mate or family. That will have to wait a while.

Now I can focus on work and getting out of home. I will see a doctor/phyciatrist <whatever, about by anxiety. I would like to thank you all on giving me direction and showing me that people do care. Just baby steps now.

Im Gay and im happy about it Smiley Happy

Re: Don't know what to do next

Hey @motorhead,

I just wanted to say welcome to ReachOut and congratulations on coming out to your first friend. That is such a huge step. Well done. I wish you all the best in your journey, and please stay in touch with us here. Smiley Happy