Well I'm done. I fucked up so bad. Like I thought accidentally almost ...... someone was me fucking up bad, but that's nothing. I might have gotten someone I love killed.
About Monday,? (I've lost track of what days are what so sorry if days don't match up), I had to break up with my girlfriend. Because she broke up with me. I was sick of being hurt like that, she would break up with me about every week - every two weeks. Then we would kinda argue and stay up until 5:00am talking about it and get back together, then forget about it the neext day. And this is what happened on Monday kinda. except on Friday (2 days previous to that Monday) she told me that she was talking to some dude.
Then showed me screenshots of him saying he liked her and him sending hearts and all. And she said she wanted to meet up with him on Monday. After a bit of stalking on his profile, He's about 30, and been travelling around a bit from his home country, which I assumed by the pictures was Malaysia. Himself and a friend were going to meet my girlfriend about 5 minutes from her house to "get a tour" of the area. Which sounds dodgy af. And she didn't believe me that bad things could happen sayng I needed some faith in humanity. Then showing screenshots through the day gettng worse and worse. Then I told her mum that she was going to meet these guys.
The next day I get really angry messages from my girlfriend saying I should've trusted her etc.. and yeah she broke up with me. But we've broken up so many times now, uncountable times, and it's ALWAYS her. I've never broken up with her and I always get hurt when it happens.
So this time I didn't go on facebook for the rest of Monday and Tuesday. and I get a really angry text saying i'm a fucking fuck, etc because she thinks I didn't love her enough to come back to her. But I just wanted het to actually message me back first, and come back to me because I'm always going back to her.
Except this is where I fucked up so bad. I kept us broken up. I said as much as I love her we cant be together. because that's how stupid I am. I start surf lifesaving patrol on Saturday and Sunday (2 days ago) and I've got so much work and school coming up, I'd hardly be able to talk to her. And I thought it'd be better for her to be with someone else because I'm so controlling. And that's the biggest mistake I've ever made.
She .... last night and is in hospital now. I couldn't talk to her last night like I promised because I was so tired from my 8.5 hour shift. So I woke up at 2.30ish today with a message from her mum and best friend saying she ... last night.
This is actually all my fault, I shouldn't have been such a dick. Now if she dies, the person who I still love more than anything ever, what will I do? I've got nothing to live for? She's the only reason I'm still here in the first place.
I haven't got anything else to do wit my life right now.
I'm just shaking now, i don't even know what to feel... I've tried calling her and her best friend but both their phones are off
Are you safe right now? Please remember you can always call Lifeline 13 11 14 or Kids Help Line 1800 55 1800
@RandomName I've just edited parts of your post so they stay within the Forum Post guidelines (see here).
What's happened between you and your girlfriend and to her as well is an extremely stressful situation, I'd definately like for you to talk to a professional, even if it's over the phone to Lifeline or Kids Helpline like @May_ has suggested.
How are you going today @RandomName? Any word from your gf?
This situation ios so full on, it's too much for you to have to carry alone. Would you be willing to talk to a professional about it, so you can get the support you need.
No I haven't talked to anyone yet, and I don't really plan to tbh. That's why i'm here, because I'm horrible at talking to people irl.
I got to talk with her mum over facebook yesterday a couple hours after I posted this and then I got to talk with her, she's in bed recovering still and it was only a brief chat before she had to go again. But we're going to talk later today when I get home if she's online. Then i'll try give a call tonight and see how she is and give an update. :/
That's great @RandomName that you are having contact. I'm sure it's a relief to know she's safe.
If you have a moment, you could read about managing conflict in a relationship here.
That way, when you guys talk, you can make sure it doesn't get too stressful for either of you.
Also, I hear you when you say you don't like talking to peploe and that's why you're here, it's just that we are really limited in the level of support we can offer to people so when you're dealing with a crisis like the one you're in now, you can access services via online chat rather than the phone. So it's like being here but with greater support. Check it out here and here to see what you think.
Things to check out:
Ask our Builders (Almost) Anything here! Not sure what a builder is? Time to find out!
Self love: Share three things you like about yourself!
How do you overcome urges to self-harm? Add your strategies or get new ideas in the list here
Seen something fantastic on the forums?
Click here to nominate awesome posts for a Friday Five!