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Dont know where to start...

Hi, im new to this and dont really know where to start.... Im 26 and for most of my life have felt confused, alone, scared, angry, lost.... I could go on forever... At a young age my dad was physically and mentally abusive to the females in my family. I can still remember him hitting my mum and sister viciously and chasing me too trying to take a swing at me at the age of 6. Only in the past couple of years im also remembering other things that he did to me and dont know what to do... Im confused... And angry!! I have lost all ties with my family and my last relationship and now current is an abusive relationship... He tells me he is sorry and loves me and wont do it again and because im scared of being alone, i stay! When im around the very few friends i have ( because i pushed so many away because of my poor attitude sometimes) they have no idea, i become a different person, when im alone i think of bad thoughts and have tried self harm quite often, I also lay in bed and listen to sad music whilst thinking about my own death and funeral and wonder who would come and if anyone would care or miss me and then cry myself to sleep!  I feel like ive lost it... I get so angry sometimes i feel like my blood boils and  i just snap at whoever is near at the time! I dont know what is wrong with me.... Ive told people before and they all say "oh u will be right" and thats why i havnt seen anyone, because i dont want them to think "oh another girl who thinks she has problems" So i just go on with life, having the occassional panic attack and think to myself... No one will ever understand or care!


Re: Don't know where to start...

Hey AA,


Firstly, good on you for getting on her and sharing your story. It takes a lot of guts and I am really inspired that you made the effort. 


You have certainly been through a lot in your life, and it is only natural that you would still be suffering from anxiety and trauma as a result. It also sounds like hurtful memories that you have previously suppressed are now also coming to the surface. 


It sounds like you really need to get some counseling to help you deal with the issues of your past, as well as the self-harm you are engaging in to deal with the pain. I strongly suggest you go to a GP and tell them about your situation. They will be able to refer you to a specialist and may also give you medication to help with your anxiety and depression. 


You will also find some good information about how to deal with self-harm here


In your post you also wrote that you are currently suffering domestic abuse. It can be very hard to remove yourself from domestic abuse when you are already suffering so much. But I suggest you call the 1800 Respect (1800 737 732) which is a counseling service specifically for domestic abuse. They will be able to give you specialist advice about changing your situation. Also, if you are ever experiencing an incidence of domestic abuse, don't hesitate to call 000.


Finally, try not to feel alone. While it feels sometimes like there is no one out there who understands, you are not alone and by coming on this forum and saying that you need help, you are taking the first crucial step to improving your situation.


Take care and let us know how you are getting on,




Re: Dont know where to start...

Hey AllAlone


It sounds like you've been through a hell of a lot, and it's totally understandable that you're feeling all of those things that you mentioned. I think it's really brave that you've come here and shared what's been going on for you, especially if you've been brushed off in the past when you've tried to talk about yourself. 


It sounds like you've thought about seeing a professional to talk through some of this stuff before, & I think that's a great idea. It doesn't matter what other people think about how big or small the stuff you've been through is - what matters is the impact that it's having on your life, which sounds like a lot! 


Like Benny mentioned, Relationships Australia is a good place to start to talk to someone about your abusive partner and your dad. I can understand wanting to self harm and be alone or listen to sad music when you're feeling crappy - but does it actually help? Loads of people find that (while difficult), doing things like getting outdoors or doing something nice for yourself like having a long shower can help them to feel a bit better when they're feeling miserable. People have all different tactics... What kinds of things help you feel good? I know for me, I found things like running and having cold showers incredibly helpful in stopping self harm - they distracted me, and gave me that physical kick that self harm did, but without hurting myself. Would you consider trying something like that?


You're absolutely not alone in this. The forums are an amazingly supportive, inclusive community - feel free to join in on any of the threads, especially in the 'Hanging Out' subforum, to get to know some of the community members better. There are people out there who care and who do understand - it's just a matter of keeping on reaching out until you get the help you deserve. R'ships Australia is a good start for the counselling, the forums are a good start for learning to focus on the positives, & maybe trying to meet some new people or reconnect with old friends would be good for improving things socially.


Hang in there Smiley Happy x


Re: Dont know where to start...

Hey AllAlone 


Welcome to the forums. I really want to say you are so strong to get the courage to come on the forums and share your story with us, it shows how amazingly brave you are and that you should be proud of. You have gone through so much as a child and as an adult and I can see where you would be confused and angry, you deserve to feel safe and to be happy. 


It's sad that you are having bad thoughts and you are surrounding yourself with negativity. Suffering in silence is damaging and I hope by saying how you feel today has helped you feel better even just a litte bit. I think getting in touch with Lifeline 13 11 14 or find something useful here might help you to figure out your next steps.


You sound like a hurt and broken person and I think you deserve to be happy and asking for help and working through the memories and the confusion and anger might help you in a number of ways and there are some awesome contacts on this from other members and I hope you use them and they help you Smiley Happy 


You are beautiful and you are not alone 

**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**