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Emotionless

Note -
J = my best friend
D = my girlfriend
K = the annoying mate who hangs around us at lunch but no one really likes him
B = my annoying mate who thinks he's top-shit because he has a job and none of us others do
Base = the place where J and myself hang out near the cliffs
Mates = people I hang out with at school but aren't my friends
Bad spellig = me being super tired and not caring today

 

Hey RO,

First of all, really sorry, these paragraphs are probably gunna be messed up. Unless I can be bothered fixing them, so sorry in advance.
I haven't got internet right now so I have to type everything offline on notepad again.. and that tends to mess up paragraphs when I paste it all.
I don't even know if anyone would be able to help with this. And tbh I don't even know why I'm writing it :')
Something to do I guess.

 

Well I'm just gunna bluntly say it like this - I've been feeling kinda odd for the last 2 weeks.
Emotionless almost. I used to laugh all the time and make jokes and mess around and have fun but nah.
Dad even got a phone call a few nights ago from one of my teachers saying that I've been looking a bit down lately, which talking to my dad (whom I don't really like), I denied it all and said everything was alright.
But I don't really know.. I've been holding off SH for about 2-3 weeks now (I failed at that past Thursday and Friday and tonight), but I don't think thats the problem.
I'm not sure if any of my mates and noticed but J definately has.
D, my girlfriend (and she's also J's cousin) told him that I SH and he went a bit crazy over it.
Like, not crazy-crazy, but started kinda being a bit annoying over it in a caring way. I could tell she told him because
he started saying stuff like "Hey mate are u alright?", which I have no problem with, but the fact that he called me "mate"
was just saying from the start that he knew, because he always calls me buddy. Then started saying along the lines of
"<D> just told me that you hurt yourself yesterday. was it from when you fell? or am I missing something..?", So then it was pretty obvious.
I'd just rather him not know (So I've kinda been denying it), because he already has too much going on for himself lately with his anxiety and his dad moving to Darwin etc..
But yeah sorry I'm getting a bit off-track.
I remember back in year, 8 & 9 when I'd be chilling with mates and annoying B, and running around the oval and laughing and whatever.
I used to laugh at literaly anything and everything. Even the tinyest of things like if B's voice broke or he tripped on the drain slabs, etc..
Here's a fine example, yesterday, it was about 6:00pm and J and I were walking further past base than we normally do to go
to an old spot where we found a heap of shotgun shells once which is only about 2 hours further, just for fun ya know? It was low-tide and all the rocks were like gravel. At one point J was walking on an angle up a small slope and slipped over on his back. A few weeks ago I would've been laughing so damn hard at that.. Almost up to the point where I'd be unable to pick him back up because of how much I'd be laughing.
But this time was different. I hardly even cracked a smile, walked over and picked him up and kept walking. At least I kind of faked a laugh though :/
I can't really think of anything that might've triggered me this way either. There's been a couple minor things like dad and mum and my step-mum fighting and competing, school (Exams coming up) and I dunno. I dunno what it is but something's changing me.
At some points in school or when I'm with J I actually have to pretend to laugh now.. like it's kinda funny, but I just don't laugh at it anymore.
And it's usually something that a normal person can't deny is funny. Like if K got in trouble and kept back talking to the teacher.. that's pretty funny yeah.
So when everyone else is laughing I feel like it's wrong not to laugh i hardly even enjoy doing things that I used to do on a daily baises. Now my day consists of me getting up, having a shit time at school, coming home, going to my room and staying there for the rest of the night. occasionally hanging out with J, but mostly it's online (Which I hardly enjoy as much as I used to).
I don't even enjoy coding as much as I used to. I used to pretty much mentally ditch class to type up funny scripts to mess around with people. Now the best I can do it go on forign forums and translate other peoples scripts. Last thing I typed up was HTML and it's like half done and just chilling in the corner of my desktop. Through all my spare time I can't even be bothered to finish that, despite how easy it is.

 

Eh I don't know anymore tbh. fuck I don't even know why I'm here honestly

Re: Emotionless

Hi @RandomName, how're you doing today?

 

I think it's great that you've shared this and are talking about what you've been feeling, I know there's a lot of other members who can relate. @bee14 recently started a thread about experiencing something similar that you should have a read through. 

 

There are a few reasons why you could be feeling a bit odd but I think it's really important that you talk to your doctor about this. What do you think about making an appointment this week?

Re: Emotionless

Hey @RandomName thanks for reaching out to us. It sounds like you are going through a pretty tough time at the moment Smiley Sad. I think @Lula is right - do you think making a doctors appointment would be something you could do at the moment?

 

 

Re: Emotionless

@Lula I had a quick read through the thread thanks. I guess it's something I can relate to in a majority of ways.
& @May_
Yeah I dunno, I'd like to make a doctors appointment but I just can't..
Not because I'm scared or anything (I'm honestly terrified), but because the closest doctor place thing is quite far away and I don't have a car and I don't really want to ask mum to book an appointment because she's one of them people who will just ask about stuff that I don't want her to know until I say something...
tl;dr I wont because I'm scared shitless of doctors and I wont ask mum to take me. :/

If I'm not busy tonight I might give khl another call though...

.Um just another thing I might as well add which I didn't in the top of the thread...
(Although this hasn't made heaps of difference in how I feel, it's something)
Last weekend, 5 days ago, I caught up with my girlfriend in town, she lives about a 4-5, even 6 hour drive away, depending on traffic. and mum let me catch the train from where we were staying to town which was a 55 minute trip.
We caught up and wondered around for an hour and I attempted to get her something to eat but she mainly refused, and I met a couple of her friends.
Thennnn we did some stuff (just her and I, not her friends) and yeah. I might've gotten her pregnant, like it broke so there was a massive chance that she was going to get pregnant. so we talked about it until really late that night over the phone and got into a small argument because she wanted to keep the baby as she's against abortions and didn't want to get rid of it.

But eventually all worked out and she told her mum and they got the morning-after pill and she's just recovering from it all today.

Now when I think about that I feel quite upset because it's kind of affected us in a way, I can tell because she doesn't talk to me the same and she can't tell me why. usually she asks heaps of questions and we get massively engaged in conversation. but now it's me asking all the questions and her just answering in less than a sentence.

I dunno anymore. Life is weird

Re: Emotionless

hey @RandomName that's a super tough situation to be in but it sounds like you worked through it together.

 

If it just happened and she got the morning after pill she may not have been pregnent anyway so don't let it play on your mind too much. It will take time but it's important to respect eachothers feelings about the situation as they may be different and that is ok. It's important you just keep open and honest communications. 

Re: Emotionless

@BazanFan
We've worked it all out now I hope.
The pill made her a bit sick though for the first day and a bit and her mums talking her to get the Rod thing next friday soooo yeah..

I have been respecting her feelings and tryna talk to her about it all through it Smiley Happy It's lightly affected us in a way but we're talking about it. I'm gunna giver her another call tomorrow night and just check up and have a talk for a bit about everything and yeah.

I'm gunna ask about this to one of my teachers tomorrow too, but does the morning after pill affect a girls period? because she was due a couple days ago apparently and I dunno if it might be the pill after-affects or it didn't work :/
I don't wanna be a dad at 15... I really dont.

Re: Emotionless

@RandomName the morning after pill can have an impact on menstruation (periods) although it's a bit uncertain and pregnancy can have an impact on menstruation too. Unfortunately only time is going to tell and the next little while is gonna be pretty stressful for both of you i am afraid. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news!

 

There's not much you can do about this right now, except wait. Is there anything you can do to help yourself manage the stress of that?  Bonus points if there are things you can suggest to help D Smiley Happy

 

http://au.reachout.com/what-is-the-emergency-contraceptive-pill

Re: Emotionless

@Ben-RO ,

Well luckily her period started just yesterday morning thank god. Soo.. I believe that means the baby isn't going any more forward yeah?

I've been tryna help her as much as I can but it's not very easy with this long distance thing :/ The best I can do it message her can call her until I see her again around christmas unfortunately.

Also thanks heaps for that link you provided! No kidding, that actually really helped. <3

Re: Emotionless

Hey @RandomName I just thought i'd check in again and see how things are going a few weeks down the track Smiley Happy 

Re: Emotionless

Hey @Ben-RO ,

eh it's been weird lately. Sleeping horribly every night night, constantly wanting to hurt myself, thoughts of ending my life again, then there's nothing. Today the whole household went for a drive along the great ocean road while I stayed home by myself. During the 5 or so hours I was sitting on my bed thinking about... well nothing. Constant thoughts of nothing are coming out of nowhere and I waste hours on end staring at the wall on the verge of crying even. Yesterday was basically the same but everyone was at work and through the entire day I was doing absolutely nothing except sitting and staring at the wall or black TV screen. The only thing I ate since I woke up at 8:30am was toast and spaghetti for dinner. Today was the same really.

I've been thinking lately if life is even worth living when the only thing I care about is my girlfriend. And I honestly don't think it's going to last much longer between us with the whole long distance relationship thing. And if that happens, what have I got? My sister who's 1 and a half, my annoying-ass brother who's 12 and my mum who hardly trusts me and my dad who i see as much as I see my sister, which is very rarely now.

I can't go a day without feeling upset in any way. Always having to hide the scars and new cuts on my legs at school, and holding back tears and telling people to fuck off when they notice.
Saying I'm ok when I'm really not. Only smiling and laughing because everyone else around me is too.

sorry that probably makes no sense, I just don't know anymore.