That all sounds like a lot to be dealing with (but it all makes sense @RandomName). It's clear you are still feeling quite down.
I know you said that a doctor is quite far away and that you would have to involve your mum etc. but is there maybe a school counsellor you could talk to about your feelings?
I think you will feel a sense of relief if you can manage to speak up about all this (like you're doing on here which is great), but also find some extra support.
I'm concerned when you say you are constantly wanting to hurt yourself and are having thoughts of ending your life. Are you safe at the moment?
Gunna be honest I guess and say no, I don't think I'm safe. Constant thoughts of harming myself again and just ending everything are creeping up around every corner and after every sleep. I've really thought about this for the last few days and can't seem to get my head around why I'm like this. My girlfriend came down to where I live on Thursday and we laid down in the park near the train station and just talked and hugged and cried and that was probably the happiest I've been for so long now.
I considered calling KHL & SCBS but I've talked with them before and theres only so much they can do themselves over the phone. I don't think I'm going to see anyone about this in person. I don't even talk about it with my best friend. tbh music is my only way of coping at the moment until the self-harm feelings overcome it and I go right back to that instead.
The more I think about ending my own life the more I shake and cry over it because I'm almost certain it'll come a day too soon.
Hi @RandomName I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time. I'm glad that you felt so happy while spending time with your girlfriend. Do you think calling her or contacting her on Facebook etc. could be an option when you're feeling this low?
Everyone here on RO wants you to be safe and well.
Hey @RandomName, I'm really sorry that things aren't great for you. I want to say that crying and shaking in regards to thoughts of suicide is probably quite normal (I've done it quite a lot). I want to say that going to the local emergency department is something that can be really helpful like @Alison5 said. The people there can refer you onto ongoing support, that way people can check in with you, and have face to face appointments. And if it's needed something like the CAT (crisis assessment and treatment) team can come to your place to check in with you. It's how I started getting help and it is something you should really consider if the thoughts of ending your life are overwhelming.
Things to check out:
Our Weekly Wellbeing activity is all about making time for fun!
Is there a topic you'd like to talk about? Suggest it for a GR here!
Join the Getting Real discussion on Nostalgia this week!
Seen something fantastic on the forums?
Click here to nominate awesome posts for a Friday Five!