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Everything's a mess

@Ben-RO I'm feeling calmer now (well I can breathe at least) so I'm going to make a thread if that's okay. 

 

Everything is such a mess mess right now and I feel like I've run out of places to turn to. I can't understand what I'm feeling and my mood changes approximately every 0.5 seconds. I'm obsessed with making people like me to the point where I feel unable to use helplines anymore because I end up just feeling abandoned when the other person eventually hangs up; I can't be honest with my counsellor because I feel like she won't like me if I'm negative; checking my email account has become an every half hour (or less) compulsion. Even the things around me are messy - I can't get things in order and however hard I try there's just too much stuff and nowhere for it go. I'm really struggling with my family right now - I feel a huge pressure to be okay all the time from my mum or else she keeps trying to give me advice and ask me anxious questions and her mood drops and she gets more irratble. And the rest of my family isn't helping; right now my sister is probably not going to speak to me for the rest of the day because I'm not watching the stupid Christmas movie with them. My counsellor seems to think I just have to deal with it. And there's so much more stuff that's contributing to the mess but I'm not going to write it all out because it would take forever. 

 

I have a bunch of go to stratgies like music, breathing, grounding, housework, tumblr positivity, reframing, distress tolerance AND I'm on meds which I hoped would help more with the anxiety. But everything is just like a temporary stop gap and I'm falling back into a just-let-me-sleep-forever-to-escape mood. And even with all the strategies I can't find a way to keep them all in order in my head - I've written lists, bracelets, prompt cards, notebooks, but there's too much stuff and I can't deal with it. 

 

I'm pretty willing to try anything at this point tbh. Except Pilates. I'm not doing that Smiley Tongue

 

Ugh and now my mum is telling me I'm anxious because I spend too much time on my iPad. Like if I had somewhere quiet to go in the house I wouldn't have my headphones in 24/7. I just want to cry.

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Re: Everything's a mess

@DruidChild, that sound like a lot of stuff to be going through. It's great to hear you have tried music, breathing, housework etc. What about some exercise? It definitely helps to release endorphins and will generally make you feel better.

I don't think you should be worried about if the counsellor likes you, it is their job to listen and help fix your problems. If you aren't honest with them, you won't be able to get the full support. Perhaps you could write some of these issues down and give it to her?

Could it help to try and explain your mood changes to your family? They may not understand which puts you under pressure to be okay all the time. Talking about it is also a relief in itself.
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Re: Everything's a mess

@Alison5 I know that I should be exercising, it's just, if I try to go for a walk my mum and brother end up tagging along and it's really stressful. And I can't swim because I have my period. And that's kind of it. Logically I know I'm supposed to be exercising, and I've been told since I was 11 that I don't exercise enough, but there's nowhere to go. 

 

Writing stuff down is a really good idea! I've been showing her some of my drawing which helps. It's just, with everyone, I can't just not worry what they'll think of me, if I start thinking that they even might be slightly annoyed with me it feels like a huge physical ache and I want to kill myself and I wish I could stop being so sensitive. Like everything with anybody else just hurts and I want to do something to escape this forever. 

 

My family know about the depression, anxiety stuff. It's just that they all also have anxiety so even if they try to be helpful the lower I sink the more anxious everyone gets and I just want to scream because I can barely deal with my own feelings, let alone everyone else's. 

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Sorry if that was negative @Alison5. I do really appreciate you replying to me. I just feel so sad and done and I've been trying not to cry all day.

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Re: Everything's a mess

That's okay @DruidChild. It's okay to cry. You may feel better afterwards. Crying actually releases a chemical called leucine-enkephalin which is an endorphin that reduces pain and works to improve your mood. So don't be too hard on yourself Smiley Happy

May a hot cuppa and a biscuit could be nice and maybe watch a tv show before bed?
Take it easy, you have a lot going on at the moment. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself Smiley Happy
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Re: Everything's a mess

Thanks for being so nice about everything. I can't even watch tv or anything because I'm waiting for my sister to be done so we can go to bed. I feel completely paralysed by being around everyone here. Family dynamics are horrible, stressful things. Maybe just waiting quietly is the best thing to do right now. @Alison5

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Re: Everything's a mess

That's okay @DruidChild. Sometimes a quiet space and some time to ourselves is all we need. Of course everyone here at RO are available too!
I hope you sleep well tonight and tomorrow is a new and better day. Smiley Happy
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Re: Everything's a mess

@DruidChild I am sorry i didn't see this last night! Derp.

 

Just making sure i am on the right page here. It seems like there's a big gap between what you need in terms of space, family and routine and what's happening for you, is that about right?

 

 

 

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Re: Everything's a mess

@Ben-RO It's cool Smiley Happy 

 

Yep that's pretty spot on. And then it's all complicated with mood swings and 24/7 anxiety which nobody can seem to fix. 

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Re: Everything's a mess

And I'm just here like