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Feeling very lonely and useless

I have been struggling hard with loneliness and feelings of worthleness and it seems that no matter how hard I try to improve the situation and how much I want things to change, I simply cannot make it happen. I'm currently dealing with anxiety and depression, its sucking the joy out of my life and make it feel bland, shallow and like every day is a copy of the previous one. I'm able to surpress my frustration and sadness at times but ultimately everything comes back to haunt me, leaving me feeling drained and completely out of motivation or willpower, its basically a constant game of self control while still not being able to do anything in order to get my life foward and pull myself out from this abyss I have fell into, the best I manage to achieve is avoiding that my depression and anxiety hurt me all the time. Going back to the main topic, I have been failling to build and maintain good relationships with people I've came across with, either online or in the real world. Most of the time, I wont even get past the initial first impressions and superficial banter but even when I do, it just seems as if people lose interest in me quickly and I will become a chore to them more often than not. They wont add anything else to a conversation unless I keep pulling the strings of it by coming up with new things to say, they sometimes will completely skip over things I say or give short and dismissive answers or no answer at all, later claiming to have forgotten or that they were busy at the time which is reasonable enough but it happens so much that eventually makes it look like an excuse to end a chat prematurely, considering they rarely ever pick on said conversation once they are available once again. There is also the fact that these people can go days or even weeks without saying anything to me unless, once again, I make the first move and then all the other factors I mentioned above will come into play. I know my flaws and some of my virtues as well, I'm heavily critic towards myself but I always try to be friendly and open minded and make people feel at ease when talking with me. Its hard to feel valued and cared for when your social life is built mostly on your own efforts and attempts to fit in and get along with others while not seeing nearly as much interest or care from the other side, its not how friendships are supposed to work yet it appears to be all I'm able to squeeze from others, really makes me question my worth as a human being and feel this crushing loneliness that eats me from the inside whenever I think about how little I seem to mean for those who I had thought to be good friends of mine. As hard as it is for me to find common points of interest with other people, even when I do, its not enough to create this great mutual chemistry that allows a real friendship to grow, there is always something missing, I truly dont know what to do anymore. Isolation hurts but its not as bad as the pain of feeling rejected and unwanted and I have felt that enough by now. I know that my condition can cause me to be excessively pessimistic and obsess over the most trivial of things, I know that sometimes I'm not enjoyable to be around, I may suffer lots of mood swings througout the day and can get grumpy at the slighest of frustrations but I firmly belive that I'm a good person deep inside who wants to make himself and others feel content and confortable if I'm able to and enjoy the little things in life, although right now it seems as if I can't do anything right. 

 

Re: Feeling very lonely and useless

Hi there @CEVRAM and welcome to ReachOut, 

 

It sounds like there is a lot going on for you right now, coping with loneliness and feeling unworthy all the time can be overwhelming. Making friends and keeping those lasting friendships can definitely be tricky, as it can be frustrating when others are dismissive or don't initiate conversations. ReachOut has some great articles on friendships over here that you might be interested in reading, including one on things to do if you're feeling lonely. What do you think?

 

You mentioned dealing with anxiety and depression, do you see anyone, such as a counsellor or psych, about what you're going through? 

 


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Re: Feeling very lonely and useless

Hello @Jay-RO and thank you for replying. I am currently undergoing psychotherapy but have only been to a couple sessions so its still on its early stages. Before that, I had regular counseling sessions, usually every two weeks for almost an year but they had little effect on me. I will take a careful look at those articles and hopefully find some insight within them. I can tell for sure that my current strategies to help me cope with this loneliness aren't working too well and while on some days I'm able to surpress most of the negative emotions, there are certain ones when the overwhelming sadness, frustration and worries are too powerful to be surpressed and I dont feel in control of my own mind. I know there is plenty of people out there who go through the same psychological struggles I have been experiencing and some have it even worse than me but one particular characteristic of anxiety and depression is making us feel like we are completely isolated from everyone else, as if we have been pulled into a whole new reality where others can't come into and perhaps the most annoying aspect of them all is this inability many of us have to convey exactly how we are feeling and what our experience with these conditions is like because there seems to be always something missing from the descriptions we give, preventing us from being fully understood, mainly by people who have never experienced anxiety and depression on the same level as we have. I dont have a good way with words when my voice has to do the talking, especially when I am face to face with people. For a long while now, I have found myself to be much more expressive through text chatting, while that still hasn't been enough to make myself look worthy to others or so it appears to be. I dont identify myself with people of my generation in general, I'm 23 years old and seem to get along better with folks who are quite a bit older than me. My online journey has brough me into places of excessive immaturity, arrogance, bragging, lust for popularity and will to be under the spotlight in any way possible, places where the real values of true friendship seemed like a foreign concept to many and I fell into its curse a bunch of times which I deeply regret. One moment you are interesting, the other you are disposable regardless of what you do or say as people will only cling to those who can provide them with immediate gratification and things they want since they aren't open or available to learn and accept new concepts or ideas. And this all happened amongst people who supposedly shared a few common interests with me, turns out that wasn't enough. Since it was a community mostly made out of teens and young adults where many of them have social deficiencies, it shouldn't come as a huge surprise. This isn't meant to make me look better or superior to these people, I'm definitely not, just different in my own way and I have a really hard time fitting in wherever I go to, either its an online place or a physical one.

Re: Feeling very lonely and useless

hey @CEVRAM - I hear ya. 

It can be really hard fitting in places where you feel used. No-one wants to feel like a means to an end, and it can be difficult to find a community where you feel like you are accepted fully.  Sorry to hear how lonely you feel Smiley Sad 

 

I think an important thing in finding a place to belong, is looking out for common values - often this is even more important than interests - as our values show what we really believe in and prioritise.  

What do you think some of your key values are? 

 

Let us know what you think of the links @Jay-RO shared with you yesterday  - we also have another article here you might like this video on "chosen families" too. Smiley Happy 

 

 

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I'm leaving ReachOut on the 5th of June Smiley Sad Say goodbye here

Re: Feeling very lonely and useless

Hi there @gina-RO, its not as much as a situation of feeling used, although that might have happened a few times, its more a case of feeling like people aren't interested in the things I have to say and show no curiosity to learn more about me or to discuss anything in particular, even after I let them know about some of my interests and preferences. This even happens amongst people with who I share some common aspects since I specifically searched for people who fit that quota and that is how I ended up in that community I mentioned in my last post but still mostly to no avail. For me, the most important values to build a great relationship on are honesty, politeness and having an open mind with modesty also being a good trait to have.  I have looked at some of the articles that @Jay-RO shared here and most of what I read in them goes towards things I have already tried or pondered about but after so many failed attempts to turn my situation around, my self esteem and confidence are really low and trying to approach someone nowadays can be truly nerve wracking since I tend to picture the bad scenarios often like either making a fool of myself or saying something that unintentionally upsets others. I live under the impression that no matter how hard I try, I simply can't avoid looking bad at the eyes of others. 

I have to admit and assume that I made plenty of mistakes...

I have to admit and assume that I made plenty of mistakes along my online journey which deeply affected my ability to form and maintain healthy relationships with other people. I'm not a victim here of anything other than my own wrong doings, I let myself get too overwhelmed at times and lost my composure and reason in situations where that should have never happened. I got jealous a bunch of times and felt as if others didn't wanted me around even if no real signs to support such thought were shown. I could blame my mental condition for this but ultimately there are no excuses for certain attitudes, especially when they become overly repetitive. Yes, my low self esteem and highly anxious tendencies might lead me to being obsessive or very doubtful about pretty much anything, even trivial things yet I should have the power to find a balance so that things never escalate too far. Doesn't change the fact that I feel as if regardless of the attitute or behaviour I have around others, I still come out as bland and uninteresting to them. I really want to change into someone a lot better though and be that person I want to see in a friend I would call "a great one". It seemed a lot simpler to make friends when I was a kid but once we mature into adulthood, our differences become a lot more apparent and assume a much bigger role in how we see the world and manage our lives which will naturally make it much harder to form meaningful and long lasting bonds, especially if you are introverted and lack confidence.

Re: I have to admit and assume that I made plenty of mistakes...

Hey CEVRAM, 

Thank you for being so open with how you're feeling at the moment Heart It sounds like you've thought a lot about yourself, how you interact with the world, and your relationships with other people. I really want to commend you for taking the time to reflect on the situation and how you're feeling.

 

I also noticed that you seem to be taking a lot of responsibility for some things that might not be yours (or anyone's) fault. We all go through tough times where we might feel more negative thoughts or feelings, whether that's being overwhelmed by certain situations, feeling jealous at times, or experiencing things like low self esteem or anxiety. While these feelings are part of us, they aren't our fault, or happening to us because of who we are.

 

It's really good that you want to be as good a friend as possible to the people you care about, and you're totally right, it seems like it is a lot harder to make friends as an adult, especially because it can be hard to meet new people in the constrains of adult life. It might be a good idea to trying to engage with some newer communities, both in real life or online. You mentioned that you weren't gelling as much with the online community that you are part of, so making new connections with new people could help with the stress you might be feeling about that situation. 

Re: I have to admit and assume that I made plenty of mistakes...

Hello TOM-RO, I really appreciate the kindness and care that has been shown to me here. Truth be said, sometimes we can be our own worst enemies, by being overly critical of ourselves, finding flaws that no one else seems to find and creating false negative ideas inside our minds about how others see us. This is perhaps the biggest issue concerning low self esteem, the constant impression that you simply aren't good enough, that you will fail regardless of how hard you try and that things are never meant to work well for yourself or atleast never as good as you hoped for. Its easy to become a slave to your insecurities, doubts and fears under these circumstances. Its a fact that sometimes we can't control some of our thoughts and emotions, especially when dealing with certain conditions like anxiety and depression but its important to have some control over what we show towards the outside world, something I really struggle with at times, I do lack some self control and that can be both harmful to me and others. I have found one particular issue of mine being this inability to function well within a big group of people, mainly when I'm not a relevant member in said group or dont know most people in it as I tend to feel left out and insignificant. I will often hold back any attempts to engage with other people from fear of rejection or being misunderstood and looking like someone I dont want to be seen as. I seem to only be able to fully express myself and feel confortable doing so in one on one conversations or amongst a small group people with who I have a certain degree of trust in. While I do engage in chats with other people, usually when I go to the gym, these chats are mostly superficial banter or chit chat as its called. I get along well with everyone there but there is a big gap from getting along well with someone and having them as a close friend. There appears to be this barrier preventing me from forming a deep bond with someone, even if I do get close to people, there seems to be always something missing. Despite my experience with that community I was on for quite some time not being good in general, I still met a few really nice and accepting people there but both of them have a lot more going on in their lives than me so it turns out that I was craving their company a lot more than they craved mine due to that fact, they had more people to talk with and more things to keep them busy. Eventually I began feeling like a chore and a bad companion to them, not because anything they told me or did, it was simply a consequence of the circumstances present and the effect they had on my vulnerable mind, didn't helped that I got way too pessimistic and negative at times either, a product mainly of jealousy and inability to erase certain thoughts from my mind, like thinking these people only kept talking to me out of cortesy instead of enjoyment. It sucks that I have let myself get so insecure about pretty much everything, always doubting, always bringing out the "what if's", rarely able to feel confident about what I'm doing or saying. Its perfectly understandable that some people wont have the patience or willingness to deal with people like me, it can be exhausting and frustrating, just as excess confidence that translates into arrogance can be annyoing to others, so does the opposite situation.

Re: I have to admit and assume that I made plenty of mistakes...

Hi @CEVRAM, thanks for being really open towards how you're feeling. I'm sorry you've been feeling down about these issues. Smiley Sad Being overly self-critical is something that I also struggle with, so I know how hard and demotivating that can be. Have you tried self compassion before? We have a wonderful thread here which might be useful for you to try. Heart

 

I relate to the feeling of not being able to function within a big group of people, and this is something which I'm still working on. From my personal experience, I find that just interacting with a few people that I know seems to be worthwhile to me. Definitely I understand the feeling of there being "something missing" - do you have any hobbies you enjoy, or something that may give you some happiness? Heart

 

It sounds like things are a bit overwhelming for you. I know that you have previously mentioned that you're seeking out psychotherapy, are you able to bring some of these issues up with your psych? Particularly the low self-esteem?

 

Please let us know how you get on. Heart

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Re: I have to admit and assume that I made plenty of mistakes...

Hello @mrmusic and thank you for taking the time to address my case. Self compassion seems like a foreign concept to me since I'm almost unable to praise myself and acknowledge my worth since my critical side has assumed such a major role that I've became pretty much immune to other people's praise and positive feedback. There seems to be always something missing, regardless of how well I perform a certain task, I'm easily drawn into unhealthy comparisons towards other people, usually those who have achieved more than I did, leaving me feeling insignificant and worthless, this is no one's fault and naturally occurs within my mind so any slight gratification I feel can and likely will be crushed upon a comparison with someone else or simply a thought that I should have done even better and there is no excuse for not being able to do so. With all these factors combined, its a struggle to get my motivation raising above low levels as it takes no more than one negative thought running through my mind to have devastating effects on my self esteem and pride. I believe that I've developed a form of OCD, considering some very particular and recurring behaviours and thoughts I have, usually ones that revolve around severe concerns and fears, like an extreme fear of ilnesses, especially cancers but not exclusively. It first started as an intense fear of heart attacks or cardiac arrest after my first major panic attack in the beggining of last year, I was convinced that my life was going to end that day, the feeling of impending doom was overhwelming and several more of those attacks came over the next months although never with the same intensity as the first one. Eventually this fear spread into an overall excessive and uncontrolable concern regarding health problems with the focus always being on the most serious ones. This has actually translated into physical symptoms, I probably had most of the symptoms that can be associated to severe anxiety over the course of about 11 months. I know this because I kept frenetically googling any new symptoms I had to make sure they could be connected to anxiety and not a life threatening disease. On another note, the amount of messed up and nightmarish dreams I have has greatly increased in recent times. I always had them but lately they have been much more frequent and more creative as well. One night I had 3 in a row and they can be anything from apocaliptic scenarios to greatly embarassing moments where I come up as weak, vulnerable, dumb and inferior to everyone else or situations where I'm completely ignored by others around me or treated unfairly. My dreams do a great job of exposing my fears and insecurities. The only hobby I have currently is exercising either its in the gym, at home or outside and it has a mixed effect on me. On some days it will feel rewarding and boost my morale while one others it will leave me frustrated and unhappy over the course of the day. My body image insecurities play a big role here. I do enjoy nature and animals, they seem to bring some confort and peace into my mind and I'm really passionate about them. Something that also seems to calm my anxious and stressed brain is watching kids cartoons as ridiculous as that sounds but apparently the innocence, positivity and vivid colours and shapes present in those shows seem to have a calming and conforting effect on my mind that few other things can portray. More dark and serious shows will usually produce the opposite effects, either they are animated or live action unless I'm undergoing a phase where anxiety is absent which is rare. I have let my psych know about these issues. Only been to two sessions though so its still soon to make conclusions. I would be lying however if I said there isn't a fear inside me that these issues wont ever leave me regardless of how much treatment I get. I fear that my life will be always limited by my current condition and it will be wasted due to things I didn't had the courage, focus, motivation or patience to do. My social life is likely to greatly suffer as its already happening now but most importantly, this might pose an inepcy to perform at a professional level and that's a scary realisation. Its already bad being and feeling lonely but being unable to sustain yourself is even worse.