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Friendship blues

Hello to the reachout family, 

I am new here and I could really use some advise/ guidance on a current friendship problem that I have been experiencing throughout the last couple of months. As far as i know when I am in a  friendship i do consider myself a very nice, sincere and loyal person when it comes to giving, being respectful and just enjoying the company. There are two people who i am friends with the guy and the girl they are both bf/gf and for the past couple of months they have not been treating me very well in a way where im safe and happy.

They have always been the people to invite me out places and always include me whenever something has been planned for them for eg, dinner, partys, whatever the case is and we have great conversations, a laugh ect. however, whenever I organise something for them eg them coming to my house for dinner or gathering for a bday dinner which was for myself a couple of months ago, they always end up doing really shady  manipulative things that have made me really upset. I feel like they do not want to do things for me however,i do not know what their intentions are. Like for eg when i asked them to come to my house my friend said that they didnt want to eat pizza when my mum was already cooking something on the side for them they call up last minute and ask to go to dinner somewhere else. My other recent situation was where i organised a small bday dinner they said they were going to come and then all of a sudden they cancel last minute because of 'late working.' They didnt even bother to ask me to reorganise it or even care. I feel like the attention is all on them and everything i do is for them and nothing back..it really really hurts me 


the scariest thing is i don't know how to approach them about it and if they will get defensive and make up an excuse to defend themselves without it being legimitate. I am really upset about how how they arn't respecting me enough to do things for me and pretend everything is ok when it really is not ok..I put my physical energy and i give my respect into everything they want to do! i never ever hesitate to it because they friends. 

 

I have a boyfriend and god bless his soul he has been in a relationship with me for 7 years and he is my absaloute rock and we just click so well! anyways, he too has been noticing the behaviour. 

 

I would appreciate the feedback and advice 

thankyou!!!

cutekitty93

Re: Friendship blues

Hi Cutekitty93, welcome to Reach Out!

 

Cool name by the way Smiley Happy

 

It really sucks that your friends aren't being so upfront with you anymore and understandably you are feeling really hurt by their actions. It is fantastic that you have the support of your boyfriend and that you have spoken with him about your concerns.

 

Talking about how you're feeling is really important, certainly sharing with us is also really great, but being able to have an open conversation with your friends can be beneficial. Is it possible something has changed for them recently? Has work/study or other changed their circumstances? As they're a couple, is it possible their relationship is going through a difficult time and they find socialising really difficult?

 

There's a couple of articles here on RO that I think you may find helpful, specifically about navigating difficult times in friendships. You can have a read of them here and here.

 

Let us know how you go with those and good luck. Friendships, like relationships, take a lot of work.

Re: Friendship blues

Hi @Cutekitty93, welcome to ReachOut.  It sounds like you are feeling frustrated and upset because your friends aren't treating you as though you are important to them?  Friendship issues can be really upsetting!

 

It is important to remember that we don't always know what is going on in other peoples lives.  Perhaps they are having issues elsewhere and that is occupying their mental space? 

 

Secondly, more is not always better when it comes to friendships. It is upsetting that they didn't make it to your recent celebrations, and I understand how that could have been upsetting for you! However, it can be really helpful to give people their space, especially when they are giving signs that they might need it.  Also, people have their own preferred ways of being in a friendship; some people like really frequent contact, whereas others prefer more time alone.  It is important to meet the needs of both and to remain understanding! 

 

Finally, how much time do you think you dedicate to this friendship?  While friendships do have smooth times and bumpy times, they shouldn't be a chore and should be relaitively easy and comfortable.  Perhaps you will enjoy this friendship more if you spend less time on it and more time on other things?  How would you feel if you backed off a little and gave less effort?

 

Perhaps if you give less effort, they will have more room to contribute?

 

 

Re: Friendship blues

This may or may not be helpful Smiley HappyI

I met this really awesome guy few months ago. I thought he was really cool because he loves animals and we have gone volunteering at a dog shelter a couple of times. We decided to gather a group of friends to visit disadvantaged kids at an orphanage. Everything went down hills from there as he decided on things without discussing it with other organisers. Being the principal organiser he disagreed and wouldnt take advice from me and the other organiser.

Well sadly because I didnt want to argue/upset him and further damage what is left of our friendship, the other organiser and I dropped out but told him we are still 100% happy to help him. 

I took the road not to upset and damage the friendship so maybe down the line it might rekindle. I also quickly accepted that maybe the fire is just at the end of match and out friendship is all burnt out. I do feel that its a shame that things seem to be ending but I know that there are still other friends out there that I will meet. I will remain respectful and open to him so maybe things can still rekindle.

 

And from the sounds of how you describe yourself, honest, giving and respectful. I think you will make plenty of other friends.