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Re: Genuinely afraid of happiness?

@Hozzles damn, that does make things harder..

Totally get what you mean about social groups, I'm definitely better online than irl.

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Re: Genuinely afraid of happiness?

Hey @Hozzles!

 

I'm sorry to hear that things haven't been going all too well for you! It seems like your mum is getting more stressed about your situation which is in turn, making you feel worse. Perhaps you could sit down and have a chat with her. Talk to her about how she could best support you in this situation and figure out a plan together. Sometimes, uncertainty can be the main cause of anxiety and stress. If you know you have someone else who knows what is happening and you understand each other better, it could help Smiley Happy

 

Now that it's a fresh year, I hope that it's a much better one for you and that you are able to find more time for self-care and long-lasting happiness Heart

 

Also, the Grand Canyon!! That sounds amazing. Have you planned another trip for this year by yourself yet? Maybe that's something you could do. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

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Re: Genuinely afraid of happiness?

Hi everyone!

Going to try to reply to all, and then a little rant. Sorry in advance if it's long.

I talk to my Mum all the time but honestly words are different to actions. She's supportive. She follows so many mental health accounts on social media and tries everything to help. All I got for Christmas were things for anxiety (I really wish I was more than just my mental illnesses, but anyway...). But when it's so constant, I understand how she gets frustrated. I do, too. It's not really mentally healthy for her to be constantly sitting there supporting me, which is why I feel like a burden.

I definitely am a bit hesitant to go to my GP. I was supposed to have an appointment yesterday but I changed it. Honestly I've been feeling a little better for a few days but I think that's just the false hope of the New Year. I've been daydreaming a lot about what it could be like if we could afford a psychiatrist, or any proper help. Bulk-bill sessions do not work for me because I have co-morbid mental illnesses that don't get focused on, and the sessions aren't regular enough for me to see any benefit. But again, I can't afford help.

I would love to travel on my own (especially to Europe!) but again... I can't afford it. I travel every year with my family but we can only go because my Mum saves up literally all year to go. I don't know what I'd do, anyway? I'd be so unbelievably lonely. Again, people will say 'just talk to people and make friends!' but I can't. Again, I've tried and tried again but no matter what I do it just doesn't happen. 

I just wish I could be 'normal'. I know I've said it a million times here but I don't know if I'll ever not feel like a child, lol. Yesterday I wasted the entire day panicking about having to make an important phone call (staring at the phone until the battery died), before I finally had to get my Mum to make the call (it turned out it wasn't even a worry, lol!). Like... I can't even make a phone call? I've also said a million times on here that I feel so much shame about not being able to drive. Truth is, I know it will badly interact with my mental health. I can't control something with that much power. With my OCD + depression + anxiety I know I won't be able to get behind the wheel without being plagued by thoughts that I'll end up hurting someone or myself. I'm afraid I'll dissociate/ start daydreaming and lose control. It's terrifying. I'm sick of being scared of such small things.

I went to my job search provider today (I don't want a job/ can't really but I have to in order to get centrelink). She told me I need a job urgently because I've never had a job, and a uni degree is 'useless' without experience and I 'won't survive in the real world if I don't work now'. I see where she's coming from... but most of my time is spent volunteering, surely that counts as experience? I mean, I don't really plan on my uni degree going to waste and ending up in something outside of my field, I plan to go into research. But it just makes me feel so lousy and pathetic? I've applied for jobs in the past but no one is interested, I'm way too old for fast food and overqualified for anything else. 

I'm tired of just surviving and pushing through each day. I want to live and be happy.

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Re: Genuinely afraid of happiness?

@Hozzles Hey! Thank you for all your answers and explanations! Smiley Happy

 

Firstly, I completely understand the situation with your mum right now. My mum was like that too. It took a long while for her to get over the stigma of mental health and accept that my sister especially needed a lot of professional help, but she finally got there. She also would be very supportive in word, try to comfort her, try to inform herself online, but when it came to the harder times, she would get a bit lost. She didn't quite know how to best support my sister and sometimes even took out the stress on her. I understand from their point of view that it can get tiring to keep helping and maybe not see as much progress as they'd like. But it's not your fault! You are not a burden! Your mum would want and choose to be there for you over and over again. Sure, she might be tired at times but she'll always be there for you, not only because you might need it, but because she WANTS to. If she needs help, she could also reach out to somebody and talk to them. My mum did that with my sister's psychologist in the last 10 minutes or so of her session. The psychologist brought her in to ask how she was doing too. And I personally think that's really important. For those who are supporting others to also know they have a support network. Hopefully that way, your feeling of guilt will lessen Heart

 

With travelling and affording things, I completely relate too. It's hard to find the help you really need sometimes and do all the things you want because of financial limitations Smiley Sad I guess you can't do too much about that other than try to find a job when you feel ready to take one on. Europe does sound so lovely though! I haven't been yet and it's definitely something on my bucket list!

 

Also, feeling 'normal' of course does take time. Don't beat yourself up for it though! As you are on your journey to recovery, little by little you'll notice yourself improving on one thing at a time. I believe in you! Maybe try to challenge yourself little by little, but remember to ask for help when you need it. It's healthy to ask for things when you feel that you need it or you feel that you might put yourself or other people in danger. So good job for that! I think maybe you could try to challenge yourself by doing things that are of little to no risk. Things such as taking a call yourself one day when you feel confident enough, or just like you want to challenge yourself. You don't need to be alone! Maybe you could try taking a call with your mum next to you as a backup? 

 

Anyway, sorry for the long post! I hope some of this helps or encourages you Heart

 

 

 

 

 

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Re: Genuinely afraid of happiness?

Hi @Hozzles , just wanted to quickly check in with you- 

 

It sounds like that was a pretty unhelpful experience with your job search provider, and I hope you're feeling OK. A lot of people take longer than they planned to at uni (I know I did!), and the fact that you've made so much progress with your own mental health shows what a strong, intelligent person you are. Your volunteer work and study at uni while also managing your own mental health is a testament to your strength and resilience. 

 

I hear your frustration about not being able to afford to see a psychiatrist privately, it's unfortunately a common experience. Some psychiatrists are able to offer a sliding scale for students, this might be something that your GP could be able to look in to on your behalf if you're interested? 

 

I really liked @ayrc_1904 's idea of working on small steps like making phone calls in a zero stress environment - from what you've written, it really does sounds like you've come through a lot. So even though it can be easy to beat ourselves up about not being able to do 'simple' things, it's also worth being kind to yourself and remembering how far you've come. The fact that you did the Grand Canyon by yourself shows that you have courage and strength - isn't it amazing!! I went there a few years ago and we were lucky enough to stay in a lodge that's right near the lip of the Canyon itself, I walked along the rim as the sun was setting and it was one of my favourite moments of the trip. Such an awesome place - and I'm sure when the time is right, you'll have many more adventures Smiley Happy  

 

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Check out our community activities calendar for March 2020 here
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Re: Genuinely afraid of happiness?

Hey @Hozzles! How have you been doing? Smiley Happy
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Re: Genuinely afraid of happiness?

Hi again! 

Blegh, I've been really bad with replying lately, sorry. Like, I think about it every day but I can't bring myself to do it for some reason (some of my social media messages have been sitting there unread for 4 months lol). 

I've been... up and down. Some days are better than others, I guess. On the positive side, I've been writing down one thing that has made me happy that day, every day. It helps a little. I've been getting back into working out (I lost so much muscle since I broke my wrist), and trying new things like different recipes, etc. I've been trying to eat healthy.

My GP suggested I up my dosage of my current meds before we try anything else. I think these meds do a little to my general anxiety but that's all. Man, it's so rough having comorbid mental illnesses. Like, I don't have anxiety in general but OCD and social anxiety is still there. Weird. Like I said, it's so exhausting putting my body through all these changes. Working out again means I'm always sore because my body's not used to it, lol. 

Thoughts are still as normal. I can't believe it's 2020. I can't believe how old I'm getting. I've been finding that really, all I want would be to go back in time and redo my teenage years. I look in envy at all the cool Minus18 events that are for under 19s. I can't stand alcohol/ the culture so I wish I was true to myself back then so I could experience such a supportive environment without people under the influence of anything. At the same time, I wish I could just grow up and enjoy myself without having all these qualms about alcohol. Truly, all I want is a group of supportive friends that would appreciate me for me, and listen to what I have to say. I have never had that in my life, ever. I'm afraid it will never come.

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Re: Genuinely afraid of happiness?

That's okay @Hozzles 

 

Thank you for updating us. Heart. It's great that you've been writing down 1 positive a day, excising (has great implications for the body and mind), and are actively seeking support from your GP. It seems like you are doing a number of things to help you get better. That shows a lot of strength.

 

I know what you mean about having a group of supportive friends. Sometimes, truly supportive friends can be hard to find but they do exist! What do you look for in a friend? What are some of the things that help you identify whether they may or may not be a supportive, long-term friend? For example, I've noticed that when making friends with people, I look for signs of kindness.

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Re: Genuinely afraid of happiness?

@Maddy-RO  -- I'm not sure. I don't have any short-term friends, even. I talk to literally one person on a regular basis (online, we only meet up like two times a year even though she lives in the same town), and she comes to me with her problems but ignores me when I need someone to talk to about mine. I don't think those kind of people will ever exist for me. Like I said, I really do try to put myself out there. It's not like I don't try. I volunteer, go to fitness hobbies, join interest groups... and no one wants to talk to me, or listens to me. I feel so socially stunted. It's like there's a toxic black cloud following me. I'm always ignored or treated like a child. 

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Re: Genuinely afraid of happiness?

Hey @Hozzles 

 

My heart goes out to you. Feeling like you don't have the friends you need can be such a painful experience. I know it's taken me a long time to realise my worth as a friend and find people who see my value (and I'm still learning). It's not an easy journey to walk but I have faith in your perseverance.  

 

The further you venture into your recovery and the more you learn about yourself, the more you will notice yourself overcoming that "socially stunted" feeling you described. I want to acknowledge your efforts - you're really putting yourself out there, which isn't easy to do. I took me 10 years to get back into my hobbies because I felt similar emotions to what you have mentioned here. Not being seen or heard. So, with that in mind I am so blown away by your resilience to keep on going. What hobby groups/volunteering are you doing at the moment? Smiley Happy 

 

Also, know that in this community we see you and we care for you. You are so wise, kind and special Heart I have no doubt that people will see your gifts. I'm just wondering if this is something you've spoken to a family member/counsellor about before?