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Girlfriend not being honest

I'm really struggling and hoping that by talking about how i'm feeling someone might be able to help me know what to do.

 

 

My girlfriend isn't honest with me & I can't bring myself to leave her. She has a guy messaging her saying he loves her which she didn't tell me about. She met a gut at a pub around August of this year. She started talking to him then decided to break up with me  - she said she needs 2 weeks just to have a break to think. I waited those 2 weeks and she broke up with me and said she hopes the best for me. This was in August.

 

After a few months of pain I made the effort to go to her work and we've been back together for a month. The whole two weeks back in August I was crying and hoping that at the end of the 2 weeks we would be back together. Little did I know, but during those 2 weeks she was seeing someone else. I only found out because I went through her phone.

 

I really don't know what to do. I'm hoping someone can tell me

a) If what she did was cheating

b) If I should break up with her

c) What I could do to try and trust her again if the answe to b) is no.

 

I know these are hard questions to answer - I just want people to tell me what they would do if they were in my situation. I feel like a dead body just walking around because I can't bring myself to make a decision.

 

Please help me

Re: Girlfriend not being honest

Hey there @Nightwing,

 

I'm sorry to hear about you and your girlfriend. Break-ups aren't fun to have to deal with, it's great that you took the steps to try and meet with her again, even though it hasn't ended well. 

 

Making decisions isn't always easy. I've never been in a relationship myself, and personally wouldn't know what to do but I've found making lists of the positive and negative outcomes of a decision helpful when trying to decide. What do you think?

 

Is there anyone else that you've spoken to about this? Such as friends, family or another helpline that could help you make a decision as well?

 


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Re: Girlfriend not being honest

Hi @Nightwing it sounds like you're going through a very tough situation right now. I like @Jay-RO's suggestion to think of the pros and cons of the situation, and talking to a family member. These are always good ways to handle something like this. 

 

Relationships without trust aren't fun. Struggling with this decision must be so hard for you! Smiley Sad Have you spoken to your girlfriend about how you're feeling? I've always found that if you want honesty in a relationship, you have to be willing to be honest as well. Do you think being honest about your feelings with her would be helpful? 

Re: Girlfriend not being honest

I feel like I might have some insight here having gone through something slightly similar earlier this year, feel free correct me though if I'm making assumptions about your situation

 

My girl of 1 1/2 years had expressed to me that she was having trouble continuing our relationship, and so we took a break under the pretence that it would give us the opportunity to show how much we do still care for and cherish each other, just that space for her was needed as she had to sort out her own problems. I found out not long after that she'd been seeing someone else, but at this point she still hadn't said a word to me about it. A coworker of mine actually.  Months go by of us growing more distant, me still choosing to believe against all available evidence that she still felt for me and that this was the break she needed. We had briefly reconnected and disconnected numerous times during the following few months (on and off sleeping together) before I finally asked her for the truth, and she misdirected and dodged like an pro bb player, but I did get her to admit to her side relationship

 

"He makes me happy" she said

 

That I think is the saddest part of any human relationship. You might love this girl and she might love you, but if someone can make her happy, you're nothing. She can feel justified lying to you because someone else makes her happy. 

 

More than enough about me tho

 

Is what she did cheating? Well it depends what you want from this relationship. If it's honesty, and a monogamous relationship both sexually and emotionally then yes, I wouldn't hesitate to call it cheating

 

My advice for you though? Communicate. If she's refusing to be honest with you and thats something you need from a relationship, it might be hard to hear but I don't think you're right for each other, and if someone comes along who is better for you, you should be open for that and not attached to someone who's not making YOU happy 

 

With all that said, I hope to god I'm dead wrong and I'm honestly so glad to hear you're together after all that. Stay strong, and keep your chin up no matter how difficult it might seem to because I know you can get through this. 

Re: Girlfriend not being honest

Hi @afriendwithweed, thanks for sharing your story here. Sorry to hear that you have had such a heartbreaking experience. It must have been difficult to be lied to in the relationship whilst you knew the truth, only then to have it revealed at the end after holding hope for so long. How did you deal with the ultimate truth of the situation?

You have given some really amazing and level-headed advice to @Nightwing. In regards to any relationship, it might be best to consider what your boundaries are and what standards you would like to set for your relationship. It is easier said than done but really important in regards to creating healthy relationships for both parties. Let us know how you are travelling @Nightwing, it is a whole lot to take in! I reiterate what @Jay-RO has mentioned about seeking support from others.. how have you currently been looking after yourself throughout this?

Re: Girlfriend not being honest

Hi @Nightwing

 

I know that feeling of trying to hold on to the relationship anyway you can or make any excuse for your partner but at the end of the day that's unhealthy relationship. 

 

Talking to someone isn't cheating but saying I love you is on the edge. Even though she didn't say it back, the fact that she didn't tell you about it is concerning. Personally I would break up with her due to the answer for your third question. I wouldn't trust her. 

 

It seems like you are quite caught up in the relationship and might be ignoring the red flags. It might be hard to be alone/single but it would hurt in the long run. A case of ripping off the band-aid or slowly pealing away at it.

Re: Girlfriend not being honest

Hi @Nightwing,

 

Just wanted to check in and see how you are going? There's lots of different ideas and support here, we'd really like to hear your thoughts Smiley Happy 

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Re: Girlfriend not being honest

I've been crying the past few days because this decision is just tearing me up. But i've spent alot of time reading what you've said and it has helped so much.

 

You're definitely not wrong about your assumptions. I keep re-reading what you said about how I might love her and she might love me but if someone else can make her happy then I mean nothing. She is lying to me. After all the discussions we've had she is still lying. She told me today that the few dates she went on with this guy when we were together were just out at dinner. Today I found out that they went out drinking at a bar.

 

I know it's a small insignificant thing. But it's the honesty in her which is killing me. When she lies like that, even if it is really small, it makes me feel like I can't believe a word she says. It makes me feel like I can't trust anything about her. And I hate this feeling. I really hate it.

 

I want to communicate to her about all this but every time I bring this up she says to me "You bring this up all the time," and complains. I just simply don't know how to handle this.

 

I want to trust her again. I thought a way of achieving that would be by getting her to message the man and tell him that what she did was wrong and she was together with me when they were seeing each other. But she doesn't want to do that.

 

The worst part of all this is I just can't leave her. I can't do it. She could go out and have sex with many other men and I simply couldn't leave her. I don't have the courage. I don't have the strength. I'm weak. 

 

I don't know what i'm meant to do about this. I think i'm hoping that by coming on here and talking about it someone will see very clearly what needs to happen and just tell me what to do. But I know whatever happens I need to get help. The way i'm feeling is not ok.

 

Thank you for your comments @afriendwithweed I really hope your life is in a much better place after what you went through. You're such a kind man and you've made a difference in my life whatever happens.

Re: Girlfriend not being honest

Hey @Nightwing, unfortunately nobody can or should tell you what to do. You are the expert in your life and this is your decision to make, although we are all here to support you whatever you choose. You've mentioned the lack of communication and honesty, are these things that are important to you in a relationship? It might help for you to sit down and think of what you need in a relationship and whether your current partner fits these ideals. It can be difficult although sometimes we have to put ourselves first and stick to our standards. Trusting can come with time, although is sometimes really difficult to repair.. Communication can be like a canoe.. if only one person paddles, it will just go in circles. It takes two to head forward in a straight direction.