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HOCD and just complete and utter confusion

Okay, this is the first time I put what I've been going through in a forum but I know for a fact that there's hundreds of people who are going through the same thing, so I thought why not finally share my personal experience. 


Here it goes, my whole life, ever since I was little I've liked boys, all of my crushes for as long as I can remember have been male. I never ever had an actual crush on a woman in real life, I only had actresses that I idolized and of course like anyone I thought they were gorgeous but that's about it. Something you have to know about me is that I'm a very anxious person, who occasionally has social anxiety, which as you can imagine has prevented me from dating anyone, even guys I've been deeply in love with, when I think of dating I immediately freak out but not because I repulse it, but because I get scared that I'll fuck it up.


Anyways, I've alway been part of fandoms, and in most of them theres A LOT of lgbtq people, I'd say more than half of the people in fandoms are part of the lgbtq community, so that lead me to make lots of friends from that community and also constantly see their posts about the topic and lots of posts even saying that if you were a fan of a certain person you were gay, or that if you did this or that you were gay,  in high school I found out a very popular show called drag race, which I loveeed because it's hilarious and I love makeup and art, so I made lots of friends who liked the show too and as you might guess, most of them are gay, and like so so many of their posts were about sexuality and I truly spent so much time on social media which meant I read this all the time and I was really involved with the community because of the show. Which also made me think ''omg if you're in this fandom it means you have to be gay'' 


In high school one guy who bothered me constantly called me gay in two occasions out of nowhere, and so did one of my closest friends, which totally freaked me out, cause why would they call me that? what did they see in me that made them think that, those words got stuck in my head, which got mixed with the amount of lgbtq content I saw and my anxiety. For a long time I just had occasional intrusive thoughts about the topic and a big fear that people actually thought I was gay, but they just went away and I could go on with my life.


The bigger problem began when I began college and all my friends started getting into relationships, having sex, kissing lots of people, and there I was and still am, single, virgin lips, and virgin overall, seeing how I was staying behind began giving me anxiety and I began questioning why I couldn't be in relationships like all of my friends, if there was something wrong with me and the thoughts just increased, and the intrusive images of same sex relationships began in my head in a very intense way, I began to analyze every single interaction in my life, every single moment trying to reflect and seeing everything as proof that maybe I've always been gay despite not wanting to engage in actual sexual or romantic relationships with women. And the fact that I suddenly loved a show mainly targeted towards the lgbtq community which lead me to have lots of lgbtq friends just made things 10x worse. 


I learned about what HOCD was and I can relate to so many of the things, the thought about being gay don't leave my mind all day, it's so mentally exhausted, when I'm calm and collected I can think rationally and forget about them and feel normal again, but then they begin again. It's so scary to me that there are so many posts out there of people who felt like me and they were actually gay, its just messes with my head even more because I know I don't want to be with a woman, but my lack of dating and extreme anxiety whenever I think of doing so convince me of the oposite. Theres a lot of pressure on me from my friends and family cause they all wonder why I don't have a boyfriend and why I haven't kissed anyone, which convinces me that they think I'm gay like those two people in high school who's words I just can't get out of my head.


To make things even worse, I tried to do one of those online birth chart things and the page literally said ''she's gay'' which sent me into a spiraling cycle that hasn't stopped in a while, and despite not believing in astrology, I see that coincidence as a fact and it's so stupid. 


I don't even know what I want from this post, I guess I just had to get this out my chest cause it's making me go insane and it's ruining so much for me, I live in a constant state of fear and anxiety and I envy my friends who are able to get into relationships so easily without having anxiety. I used to be able to separate thinking a woman was beautiful with having feelings, I could say ''she's so pretty' and move on, but now whenever I think someone is pretty I see it as a sign of something and constantly check my reactions, I was able to have lgbtq friends without thinking anything of it and now it's turned into ''maybe you get along so well cause you're like them''.


But oh well, this is my story and I had to vent.  


Re: HOCD and just complete and utter confusion

Hey @gettingbetter1 


Thanks for joining ReachOut and welcome Smiley Happy. It was super brave of you to share your story! 


I seem to come across this issue a lot on the forums so you are 100% right in saying you aren't alone. Unfortunately, at times, our minds can be our worst enemy... and it can play tricks on us! It seems like your mind is doing this to you at the moment - is that right? The reason I say this is because your seem to be convincing yourself that you are attracted to women, when in fact you have not stated once that you are actually attracted to women, and you've said quite the opposite  e.g.,, "I know I don't want to be with a woman." Finding women beautiful does not make you gay, being friends with people who identify as lgbtq does not make you gay, and an astrology chart saying you're gay does not make you gay. And I think you know this, it's just that  when your mind starts to play tricks on you, you start to doubt yourself and doubt what you know. It seems (to me) that these thoughts are more a reflection of your tendency to worry than your sexual orientation. And if that's the case, that's okay. There is lots of help out there for symptoms like this and you can get better! I'd encourage you to speak to a professional. What do you think about seeking professional support? 


Also, I noticed you're from outside Australia. Unfortunately at this stage, ReachOut forums are only for users within Australia as per our Community Guidelines. This means that we may have to ban your account in 24 hours (sorry! I'll send you an email about this with more detail shortly). We'll leave your thread open so that you can receive support from our users in the meantime. If you find you enjoy peer support such as this, then it might be worth looking into similar forums in your area/ country. Heart


Re: HOCD and just complete and utter confusion

I had no idea that this was only for people in Australia, thank you for replying anyways! Your words were super helpful and no one I ever tried to reach out to had ever replied to me like that, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.