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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I’ve been experiencing this same thing. I’m 16 years old and one random day in the month of August, I thought to myself “omg what if ur gay?” I have never been attracted to a female, nor do I have any desire to be with a female. The question wasn’t triggered by a sudden attraction. Before all this paranoia, I was honestly fine with the idea of possibly being bi in the future because I was confident in my heterosexuality. I would say, “I’m straight now, but if that changes then so be it,” and I’d be perfectly okay. But I can’t do that now. I feel like I’m going insane.I truly do not see myself capable of being with a female. I’m simply not into it. I think all love is beautiful and amazing, but it doesn’t feel like me. I’ll look into the mirror and feel completely detached from myself. The thought that I’m “gay and i don’t know it” literally terrifies the actual shit out of me. Any female I see I ask myself if I’m attracted to them. I can barely hang out with my girlfriends, like a normal 16 year old, without asking myself a thousand times if I’m attracted to them. I get all panicky and anxious and it just ruins my time. I can’t even call a woman pretty without feeling like that. I literally feel like a man with toxic masculinity. I’m so mentally exhausted. I have this amazing guy in my life, who is so important to me. And the fact that I could possibly lose him makes me so terrified, that I wanna puke and just sob. I’ve talked to him about it and he was so understanding. He basically said that it was okay and that I should just listen to myself. He asked me the questions, “have you ever liked a girl?” “Have you ever been attracted to one?” I replied no and he said, “okay then what’s the problem?” That made me cry even more then I already was because I couldn’t answer that one. It seems so simple talking about it with him, but the moment I’m alone it just consumes me. I can’t stop worrying. I worry that I’m in denial. And the most annoying thing is, when I finally feel like myself again, I begin to feel anxious because I’m not feeling anxious anymore. So, the cycle continues. I feel like I’m drowning in my own mind. I really, really don’t want to lose my boyfriend. He’s so amazing and so special. If I lost him I’d be an absolute wreck. I feel like I’m going to ruin our relationship. It’s going to be my fault. I really can’t lose him. When I’m with him, i finally get to breathe. I feel like myself again. I get a similar level of anxiety when I think “what if I catch feelings for another guy?” However, it doesn’t worry me as much because I know what being attracted to a male is like. I have been attracted to them my whole life. But I don’t know what it’s like to be attracted to a female, which is why it screws with me so much. Like many of you guys on here, I’d try calling myself bi or gay out loud. And it doesn’t fit. I literally even thought to myself, ‘Id be the worst bi girl because I’d literally only go for men.’ Being gay scares me more than being bi because that means I won’t be able to be with guys. I know how ridiculous I sound, but I really can’t help it. 

 

Sorry this was so long 

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey @Ruby-jones 

 

Welcome to ReachOut and thank you for taking the time to explain what is happening for you. I hope you've had time to read through this thread so that you can see that you are not alone Heart 

 

From what you're saying it seems like the most distressing part of this is that you do know that you aren't attracted to women but the thought continues to bother you despite what you know to be true. Is that right? 

 

It sounds like you have a wonderful and loving relationship with your boyfriend and it's great to hear that he is understanding. Sometimes it's hard for others to know exactly what to say to bring comfort to such a confusing experience. I'm just wondering if you've spoken to any family members or a GP? It sounds like chatting to someone about this would be helpful Heart 

 

Hope you're feeling better after getting this off your chest and we'll keep an eye out for your response Smiley Happy 

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hello, yes that’s exactly right. I’ve talked to my mom and sister about it and we always come to the same conclusion. 1)I’m not attracted to women. 2)I’m absolutely terrified of losing my boyfriend. That’s what truly gets me into a panic. The thought that if I was gay, I wouldn’t be able to be with him anymore. And I really really want to be. I have a big changes coming into my life. I might be moving next year, which is my senior year. What if my relationship with him doesn’t survive that? I think the whole paranoia of me being gay is a way for my brain to not face what really scares me. It’s crazy, I created a whole new problem to avoid another one. It’s just scary cause I am young. And there’s the whole stigma of teenage relationships, which doesn’t make me feel better. And the whole it’s okay for teenagers to question their sexuality. And it is perfectly okay, but to be absolutely nauseated, isn’t. Especially after coming to the same conclusion over and over. I’m just so stressed out and I basically live in fear now. The moment I start to feel okay, I get anxious on why I’m not anxious anymore. I’m just scared 

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Aw @Ruby-jones I can really sense the hurt you're going through after reading this post. It must be so stressful for you to be going through this. A few things I noticed in your post and I wanted to point out was... 

 

What an amazing job you have done in talking to your mum and sister about this. It isn't easy to tell people what is going on in our minds, in fact it can be really scary to be so vulnerable. Well done for building your support network Heart 

 

It's also really insightful for you to notice that this may have flared up due to big life changes that are approaching. I want you to know that many people struggle with change - the most important thing is that you are aware of that being a potential trigger for you. 

 

I'm just wondering if you'd be comfortable asking your family to support you in seeing a counsellor? It sounds like you could use some help getting managing the anxiety you've been going through Heart 

 

 

 

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

It honestly wasn’t too hard confiding in my mother and sister because I was raised in a super open minded household. I knew they wouldn’t care at all, because homosexuality is absolutely normal. Today I woke up with anxiety about why i wasn’t feeling anxious anymore. “Does me not being anxious mean I’m gay?” Is what I’ve basically been thinking. Which is absolutely ridiculous. I just always have a little voice of doubt and it’s just exhausting. I have no physical attraction to females. I just think I have to be confident in my sexuality again. I find a lot of women attractive and drop dead gorgeous, but I definitely don’t want to do anything more than stare, lol. I’m just so tired. I haven’t felt like myself in so long. And I wanna feel like myself again. I’m so paranoid. I can’t even hang out with my friends without constantly asking if Im attracted to them. Yes my friends are so beautiful, but imagining doing any more with them, is not appealing to me. I also can’t even call myself beautiful without saying “omg u gay?” It’s actually funny but like not. I do want to go to therapy, and just deal with this in a healthy manner. I feel like it’s going to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend. Like I’m just gonna freak out and give up. I’m so scared of that happening. I am just so incredibly frustrated and honestly, kind of in pain. Like I really don’t want to be gay. It’d be like living a lie. But my brain won’t shut up. But yes, I think I’m going to talk to my mom about getting counseling. 

Thank you for providing a nice outlet for my rants <3

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Well it's good to hear that you have an open-minded household - that would have made this a lot easier to get help with. I can only imagine how exhausting and frustrating it is for you to be thinking so much about this Heart  

 

It sounds like you have tried really hard to manage this and get support. Sometimes there are certain situations where we need a little extra help from a counsellor to work through what's happening. It's great to hear that you're going to chat with your mum about counselling Heart 

 

Are there any activities/hobbies/interests you enjoy that could help distract you from the thoughts you're having? 

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I’m definitely lucky to have an amazing family. In regards to any activities, not really. I mean, i like signing, but that’s honestly kind of it. I should read and  exercise more, however. All I’ve been doing is just laying in bed, watching shows. I’ve had no motivation to do anything, I’m sure we know why. Watching shows just kind of helped me escape my mind. But even then, I’ll still test myself by asking if I’m attracted to any female that pops up on the screen. But yea, I should take up more activities and hobbies. My father comes home today from a work trip, so my mom will talk to him about counseling. I’m nervous and excited. I want to control my anxiety, not have my anxiety control me. 

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey @Ruby-jones 

 

I think this is my first time responding to you. Nice to e-meet you and welcome to the ReachOut community. I've just caught up on your thread and am amazed at the level of insight you have, and how courageous you are for speaking about your concerns openly, not only with us, but also with your family. Having an amazing family does definitely help, so I'm glad that's the case Heart

 

"I want to control my anxiety, not have my anxiety control me" - that is such a powerful statement, and I think something that many can relate to. I'm excited for you to start your counselling journey. I think it's something you'll only benefit from Heart

 

How did the chat with your dad go? Please keep us updated. 

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Thank you for such a nice reply. I feel a lot better honestly, that talk with my sister really opened my eyes. I haven’t talked to my father yet, but i definitely will. I’m excited to start counseling. Mental health is just as important as physical health, so I’m excited to get healthier in the upstairs 😄

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey @Ruby-jones 

 

My pleasure Heart 

 

I'm excited for you too. Can't wait to hear about your counselling journey! 

 

I always encourage people to start counselling at a young age. You'll learn positive coping strategies that you can use for the rest of your life. Smiley Happy