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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

hey amber, I read your post and it is almost exactly what I have been experiencing recently, especially in regard to feeling like you were going insane. i've been having these intrusive thoughts and even though i know I am straight it was like my brain was trying to convince me otherwise. it's literal hell. It would mean a lot to me if we were able to keep in contact because knowing that i'm not alone is extremely comforting. 

Thank you.

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey Peyton, I hope you don’t mind my reply. I was dealing and still am dealing with the same thing. However the anxiety is almost nonexistent. I actually felt crazy, like I just wanted to lay in bed and cry. Is there anything going on in your life? Problems have a way of hiding themselves. It’s actually really common for it to hide as a sexuality or even gender issue, because it is so fluid. So it can be a bit scary because now it seems like there’s so much. However, you know yourself best. Take the anxiety day by day. Ask yourself the questions Ambers therapist asked her. Also, they are only thoughts. Just how someone feels fat and guilty after eating a chocolate they said they wouldn’t. It’s only a thought. Are you actually fat and should you actually feel guilty over a piece of chocolate, no. You ate it, move on. Same applies here, you thought the thought, now move on. Lastly, you need to rid or at least realize any homophobic tendencies. I’m a supporter of the LGBTQ+ community, but the thought of being a part of it totally freaked me out. Before all of my anxiety happened, I could easily accept being bi in the future. I would say, “I’m not bi now, but I really don’t care if I was in the future.”  But the moment like it started becoming “real” I freaked out. Being gay or bi, or anything else, is absolutely and totally okay. There really is nothing wrong with it. I would say I support the gay community, but would freak out over the the thought Of being bi or gay, it’s almost hypocritical. The moment I began realizing my own homophobic tendencies, everything clears up, honestly. All love is so incredibly beautiful. Being an actual supporter of other people’s love, helped me be confident in my own again. I know it feels like you really can’t control your brain, I think something that helped me was, “it’s okay to not be gay.” It sounds so weird because that line is usually said oppositely, but it’s true. It’s like your brain is forcing it and forcing it. Also one last little thing- 

i would freak out over being gay the most because that meant I’d have to give up men, lol. Just thought it was funny and goes to show that they are really only thoughts. 

I hope this helped you, apologies for its length. You’ll be okay. 

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey @Ruby-jones 

 

I just wanted to point out that I really enjoyed reading your reply/support to @peyton

 

I think you explained everything really well and it is something they, and may other readers, will benefit from.

 

You make a good point about challenging any homophobic tendencies in this situation - tendencies that one may not even know that they have! 

 

I also like how you've said "It's okay to not be gay."

 

Heart