cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

recently I've been having instructive thoughts of being gay or bi, I don't have a desire to be with a woman I don't even want to be gay or bi so what's going on with me? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I have an amazing boyfriend, but these thoughts are controlling me and a voice in my head keeps telling me I'm gay or bi and I don't want to be and I don't feel like I am, someone help me please I don't know what to do anymore, it's something that just won't go away, I'm lost I don't know what to do. I've never liked a girl before I've never had a desire to be with a girl, so why is this so hard? Why is it so realistic? I just want to be my normal heterosexual self but I feel like I can't with this in my head, it's really ruining my life. Please help me...

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey @Amber-Marie -- welcome to RO.

It sounds like you're feeling pretty anxious about how you're feeling, and I'm really sorry to hear that. Figuring out your sexuality can be pretty confusing, especially when sexuality can be fluid (changing over time) or difficult to interpret -- even when it is your own sexuality!

I too have struggled over the years to figure out what gender(s) I am attracted to most -- and my advice to you is don't fret it too much. You have your whole life to explore your sexuality and see what you like and don't like, so there is no need to apply a label to how you feel or identify with any one sexuality right now. If you are enjoying being with your boyfriend now, that is great! Keep enjoying that relationship and in the future if you ever want to try kissing girls too you can! Or, if you think that really isn't what you're into -- that's cool!

I think everyone has fleeting feelings of being attracted to people of the same sex from time to time, even if they consider themselves to be straight! My thoughts are that it is best to not over think it, and just see how your preferences change or strengthen over time. And don't fret it too much if you're gay or bi too -- gay and bi people are "normal" too -- you will still be your normal self.

I hope that helps a little? Why do you think you're feeling so stressed about this? We are here for you to chat about absolutely anything Smiley Happy

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

@juliet, I think I'm so stressed about this because lots of my friends have recently come out as lesbian/bisexual and I remember that one day I had a random that "what if I'm gay/bi?" And ever since then it has affected me, I feel like I can't think straight anymore, I have experimented once I kissed a close friend as a joke and to me it was just a kiss it didn't mean anything and at the time I was also dealing with this, to me it was something I couldn't see myself doing, but then later she came out as bi and that messed me up big time. I will however say this, I can openly admit it I think a girl looks good that I have no problem with that. But it has also drove me insane, I can't look at girls the same anymore I'm always checking for attraction towards women seeing if I like them and thinking of kissing them to take it further and make it worse. I felt like it was a way of reassuring myself that I wasn't gay at all, and sometimes it gives em relieve and I'll be happy for maybe a day or a few hours, but it comes right back again. I have spent, I'm not kidding, about a year over this, spending hours and hours thinking about it, taking tests online, looking up things on Google, having breakdowns, it has completely ruined my life

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I am really sorry that you feel so stressed about your sexuality. I know that it can be tough not really knowing where you stand, but if you enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend, do you feel like you can enjoy that? Just because you kissed your friend once and they are bi doesn't mean you're bi too necessarily -- just that you kissed your friend, which can be a fun thing to do! Also, if you do turn out to be attracted to girls, why do you think it is such a bad thing?

Is there anything that helps you feel less stressed when you're worrying about this? Just so you can feel a little more in control of your stress?

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

@juliet, it's probably because as a young girl I was a huge homophobe, I hated the thought of it, but my opinion changed when I heard of a story of a boy coming out on YouTube and he got lots of hate from his family and others on the internet that he killed himself. I never felt like I was different from any of my friends growing up, but I did have depression and anxiety from a young age and it has kind of just grown up with me, I did suffer a lot of depression near the end of year 9 and early year 10, I resulted in self harm and suicidal thoughts, I currently have a therapist at youth focus and I have discussed this with her and she told me that I looked very fearful of it and I then took a test saying that my stress and anxiety were very high, I've also always been very over thinking and a very active imagination. I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year and I've loved every second of it, but the only thing that really calms me down is when I see him which is very rare, but even when I see him these thoughts come in and I hate it, it's like even when I'm with him they're there, they're everywhere. I once had to leave class cause I had a mental breakdown over this its that bad, there isn't very much I can do to give myself relieve. My therapist told me that I have what she calls an inner devil and inner Angel, and she told me that my inner devil knows how to take control over me very well obviously and I need to learn how to let my inner Angel speak up, but I unfortunately don't know how to do that. It's really not until I have a huge breakdown that I can calm down but it's still in my head either way.

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I should also mention that I have no problem with people being gay, I actually support the LGBT+ community. There are people in my life that don't however, yet it's not that I'm scared of telling them that I'm gay/bi, it's more myself being gay/bi that I fear, I ended up telling my boyfriend how I felt because I felt it was the right thing to do and after I explained it to him he said, "so? you're trying to tell me you're bi?" And I instantly broke down because that was exactly the opposite of what I wanted him to think, I then told him again and he understood. But like I said these thoughts I can't control, my stress has been incredibly high and I honestly just can't think of anything anymore without "GAY" getting into my head somehow...this can't be normal can it? I can get that teenagers can question their sexuality but not like this? My whole life I've felt straight and I've always liked boys, but here is another issue I face, growing up I naturally became friends with boys and I had crushes on a lot of them. I remember looking at girls, but it wasn't a sexual thing it was more of "shouldn't I be more like them?" And my natural instinct was to leave the boys and go find some other friends, I ended up alone for about 2 years, having some friends here and there but they weren't permanent. When I got to year four I basically formed my own group of friends that I was very happy with, but I was that friend who wanted to be everybody's best friend, I'd never had a best friend growing up, I never actually found these girls attractive at all, in fact I never found any girls attractive, yet if they did something without me I'd get jealous. Is that a normal thing? I still do it now. But really what's happened here is that my brain has tried to convince me that I'm gay for about a year and used this to make me feel like I was, when I never have been. I can find women attractive to some extent but I don't have a desire to kiss them or have sex with them, and here is where the problem lies, my "gay thoughts" that won't leave my head that stop me from enjoying life, why can't this just go away? And why am I so obsessed?

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

It sounds like you are supportive of LGBT people and you seem to know that what you're feeling is irrational. So is it that the fact that you find it all so worrying despite the fact that you know there is not problem with being gay or bi might even make it more distressing? Again, it is crap that you are feeling like this but I applaud you for identifying it in yourself, and you should keep reminding yourself that there is nothing wrong with being attracted to others of the same sex. I also think it is great that you told your boyfriend, and it sounds like he was pretty understanding which is also great. And, I also think it is great that you already have a therapist that you seem to connect with. You have taken so many steps to taking care of yourself Smiley Happy

Anyway, there is no way that anyone here at RO can tell you whether or not you have HOCD. We are here to support you and chat but only a health professional can properly assess you for that. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your therapist, have you spoken to her in detail about this? It sounds like it impacts significantly on your life, so maybe even a whole session dedicated to this could help you feel better? Or even just bringing it up with her again?

 

Sending you a big hug -- we are always here to chat and please keep us updated!

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I think that I kind of just know that I'm not gay, but it's the thoughts in my head and how I feel about them that worry me, I've looked up HOCD and what I found sounded a lot like what I was going through, I related to it so much that it was over whelming at how many people actually do experience this I read that the whole thing is made up of fear and doubt in ones self (low-self esteem) which I have experienced A LOT growing up and still do now. Again I have no desire to be with a women and all my life I have liked boys every last thing about them, I honestly don't think that I am gay or bisexual myself, but I do support them and they're rights (as long as they don't tell me what goes on behind closed doors I'm all good for them.) I have talked to my theapist about them and I will next time I see her, because once I told her how I felt I felt 100x better, so I will be sure to mention it again. I believe that no one is completely gay or straight because I think that same sex attractions are normal in every human, just some more than others. I've always felt attracted to boys, and I've actually realised that today after my breakdown, which is what got me here. So thank you for your advice, I will be sure to keep you updated. Smiley Happy

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I am happy that you support LGBT people -- and remember it is absolutely normal and healthy to experience same sex attraction from time to time. I know I've said that already but I think it is so important to say again -- it is the diverse sexualities that we have as humans is what makes us who we are Smiley Happy

I am also really glad that talking to your therapist helps you feel better -- that is great, it sounds like it was a relief to tell her all about it. I do think it is important to keep chatting to her about it, and do let us know how it goes! We are here for you Smiley Happy Smiley Happy


Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Unfortunately I don't see my theapist until the beginning of school which is in a few weeks but I should hold out till then. I've tried to imagine myself having a future with a girl and it kind of made me uncomfortable a bit, it just seemed like something that wasn't really what I was into, however if I imagine a boy it just feels right. Sometimes my head doesn't make any sense and confuses me and that's what's got me to have breakdowns all the time really, I just don't understand what my brain is doing. It's exhausting, tiring and stressful, but I'm still trying to find ways to cope.