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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

hey, I’m sorry this is happening to you. I just want to say that I am not a professional, I cannot say that you do or don’t have HOCD, I just want to help anyone who went through what I went through. It is perfectly okay to question your sexuality, it wouldn’t make you any less valid as a ‘straight’ person. There are still days now where my head goes spiralling and I feel like I’m back right at where I started. The worst thing you can do is let it fester in your head. You have to just accept the thought and move on with your day. Truth is, your sexuality is a spectrum (at least that’s what I believe) I can believe a girl is attractive, even absolutely stunning, but I’ve learned about myself is that that doesn’t make me gay. My OCD brain will take it and run wild with the thought, but if I give it no energy, it has no power over me. Try to just drop any label you have, if you’re attracted to men, then your attracted to men, no one can or cannot tell you that that’s the case. If you know that you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a girl, then you have your answer. It does seem confusing, but eventually it will tone down and you will find what your sexuality is. Stressing out only makes it worse, take it one day at a time and see where you land. I hope this helps x

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Thank you to both of the people that responded ! Even if I was gay I
wouldn’t mind it, I just hate not having answers ! Thank you so much !!
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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey @Amber-Marie ,

 

That's a lovely way of putting it.  Sexuality can be on a spectrum for some people, and not as simple either/or.  It will potentially take time to gain some clarity on this.  One day at a time is good advice Heart

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

The answers will come for you in time Heart

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I just started having this whole issue of HOCD about two months ago. I’m a 17 year old heterosexual male and I have been my entire life. Two months ago the most random thought bursted into my head: “what if I’m gay?”. It has been with me ever since, just haunting me. After a month it randomly stopped but then a week later it came again. For the past few days I’ve been getting constant anxiety on whether or not I’m gay but something just clicked again. My brain fully accepted that I’m into girls, so now my mind is questioning whether or not I’m bisexual. I’ve read articles that say you cannot turn bi if you’ve been heterosexual your entire life. My mind creates these intrusive thoughts in my head such has having sex with another guy, yet I never get aroused. I’ve even gotten to the point of watching gay porn several times just to check myself. I have never been aroused by another male. I’m getting afraid that I might be secretly bisexual, or I’m that I’m in denial of being bisexual. Is being secretly bisexual a real thing? Can I randomly turn heterosexual to bi even thought I’ve been heterosexual my whole life? When I was younger my male friends would do random things around me but I’d never second guess it. My friend one time kissed me on the cheek as a joke and I never thought anything of it. My other friend as a joke would send some random pics of just his butt in the mirror sometimes and I never thought anything of it nor was I ever aroused. I really don’t know what to do. Can someone please give me answers? I’m not a homophobic, I’m just content with being heterosexual and I want it to stay that way. Thank you.

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hi @Vidu 

 

As far as I know it's not possible to "become" bi, it seems more like some people just take a while to find out.

 

Anyway, a few questions that might help;

 

How would you describe being bi?

How would you describe your own sexually if you couldn't use any labels?

And do the two things match?

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I describe my sexuality as liking girls only. I describe bisexuality as liking both girls and guys. As far as I’m concerned it’s impossible for me to get aroused from watching gay porn and doing other “tests” but my mind still gives me anxiety.

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

@Vidu  It sounds like you logically know that you're heterosexual, but are still worrying about it. (Brains can be annoying like that huh..)

If you don't mind me asking, how do you normally react when you get these thoughts?

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

hey, I’m sorry that this is happening to you. I would just like to say again that I am not a professional, I can not tell you that you do or do not have HOCD, but i hope it’s okay to share what I have learned though out my experience. I spent years fighting with my own brain about my sexuality, the only way I have become free is by embracing sexuality. I believe that everyone is on a spectrum, some are in the straight world, some in the gay world and all in between. I learned about myself that I can find a women absolutely stunning, I just simply have no desire to become emotionally or physically intimate with them. If you know that you wouldn’t be comfortable dating a person of the same gender as you, then you have your answer. My brain made everything feel so complicated that I felt like I couldn’t think or have my own thoughts. I felt that I would be stuck in this mindset forever. But one day, I just embraced it and I said to myself, “Okay, well I know that I am attracted to men and that’s okay. I can just live my life and if I find that I’m attracted to women too, that’s also okay.” After that I barely had an intrusive thought, because my brain and thoughts had no power over me. That sounds so scary to think about and actually do, but that’s how I got through it, by embracing and saying that no matter the outcome, I’m going to be okay. The answer will eventually come in time. I hope this helps Smiley Happy

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Thank you guys for your responses. I don’t know why but I feel a lot less anxious than yesterday. Despite this, my thoughts feel a lot less intrusive. Does this mean I’m accepting of being bisexual or what does this mean? The thoughts in my head aren’t as negative nor are they as intrusive. What does this mean? Everything in life just feels off right now and I feel like I’m losing my sense of self. I don’t think I’m in denial because I’m still not getting aroused by the idea of being with another man so it has to be some form of HOCD. Any thoughts?