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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

@Vidu It doesn't really sound like you're bi, going from your answers earlier you don't even match your own definition of it.

 

It's possible that it's less distressing just because you've had a chance to talk about it a bit, or something like that.

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey @Vidu

 

That's really great to hear that you're feeling a lot less anxious than yesterday Smiley Happy coming to terms with our identity - sexual, gender, or just general sense of self - is always a really tricky thing to have to grapple with. It's ok to feel a little lost or off, and it makes sense you might feel like you've lost a sense of self. When the perception of ourselves changes we do lose something - some of the way we used to view ourselves. But this isn't necessarily a bad thing! 

In terms of whether your thoughts can be classified as "HOCD" I cannot make a comment, however what I can say is that HOCD is not a medical diagnosis that exists in the psychiatric field. There is no form of this is the DSM or ICD. I can link you to a couple of really lovely threads where some of our members talk about their experiences as being part of the queer community Smiley Happy

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey Amber! I came across this post just now and decided to sign up. Everything you mentioned during 2016 sounds almost exactly like myself. I’m 14 years old, turning 15 and I am scared to death about the thought of becoming bi/lesbian. 

First of all, I’ve never been to a councillor, therapist or anyone, I’ve always relied on myself to fix my own issues, but I can’t handle it anymore. I came across the singer ‘Madison Beer’ and became a major fan. I then noticed her everywhere on my Instagram feed and always wanted to look like her, but that thought became something of, “Wait.. am I lesbian? Am I bisexual?” Growing up my entire life, I grew up around 2 brothers and always wanted to be like them. I am slightly tomboyish, yes, and I have a friendgroup with my girl friends, but I choose to hangout with these 2 boys instead. (One is straight, one is queer, more on the gay side.) they’re my good friends. That thought makes me more afraid, thinking I’m not feminine enough like all the other girls, even though they don’t recognise I’m ‘in feminine’ in any way. I’ve never liked makeup, I don’t obsess over boys or anyone at all. Almost borderline Asexual. But recently, I’ve created scenarios in my head of what it’d be like to be around another female, how I’d act. It makes me so unbearably uncomfortable, since I’ve only really had a proper ‘crush’ on males. I find females attractive, yes, they are pretty but to the point where I want to look like them. I can’t stop thinking about whether or not I’m bisexual or lesbian because of the constant scenarios and thoughts. Once I’m happy, my brain switches and goes, “Or are you really?” And I fall into my deep slumber of not eating, drinking or talking to anyone all day. (Been 2 weeks so far.) I know I’m straight, but then my mind keeps asking me if I am really. I’ve never had any sexual contact, nor boyfriend ever either. I know, I know for sure that I must be straight, but my head just goes, “Are you really? If you thought about contact with that female just now, her body, her hips then are you really straight?” Those thoughts make me super uncomfortable, not in the ‘I’m into it way’ but the, ‘please get the hell out of my head so I can think properly.’ way. 

I need help, I can’t stop thinking about the problem, I have no more appetite or anything. My stomach doesn’t even hurt, it’s just, empty. Everything feels empty, except my mind bombarding me with these questions. Almost as if my brain is trying to CONVINCE me and to ACCEPT that I am lesbian/bi, when It’s not what I want, nor is what I am. But then again, I’d go, “But are you really?” I read dozens of articles, done dozens of test and they all come back the same, straight. The thought of living the rest of my life, or raising a child with another female makes me disklike it, almost grossed out. I’d want a male figure, a male husband, I’d want to return home to a male after a long day of work. The more I think about the problem, the more convincing everything is becoming and now I can’t eat anything at all. It’s almost as if I’m like, “Should I come out to people?” When I know for a fact, I’m not lesbian or bi, but those thoughts keep flooding me and making me question it, constantly, over and over again. It makes me sad to see my family, my parents when all I think is, “Wait, I’ve been questioning, I think I’m bi, how is it like to have a bi or lesbian family member. But it’s not what I want, it isn’t what I want at all. I don’t want to be lesbian, or Bi. I’m straight, and I know it in my heart. But I can’t stop thinking about it.”

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

hey, I hope you’re okay. Please note, I am not an OCD professional, I cannot say that you do or do not have hocd, I can only share my experience with others and hope it helps. I also wants to say that HOCD isn’t about homophobia, this can also happen to people who are homosexual and bisexual, it can also be known as SO-OCD, sexual orientation OCD. Firstly, it sounds like you’re under a lot of stress about this, it’s okay, so was I and sometimes still am. I have learned to cope better with it, but I’m still dealing with it to this day. I would suggest you do talk to someone about it, whether that’s a school psychologist or you schedule one through a doctor. You don’t have to give them gory details, just get some of it off your chest. From what I know and my experience, ocd will attach itself through doubt and uncertainty. For example, a person who washes their hands excessively will do so over the uncertainty that their hands will be covered in germs if they don’t and possibly doubt that their hands are clean even after doing the compulsion. I worried that I was gay/bi and was so scared to talk about it because my thoughts were, “What if I tell them my thoughts and they just tell me that I’m gay. What if I’ve been in denial for all these years and now I have to come out, even though I don’t have to because I’m not actually attracted to people of the same sex. But what I’m just lying to myself because I don’t want to accept myself.” And on, and on and on. Over and over those were the thoughts and I felt myself become so distant. I didn’t want to eat, drink water, go outside, see people, go to school or sleep. And constantly doing compulsions by looking at girls and thinking, “Is that girl pretty? Do I want to kiss her? What if that happened?” And every time I have the reassurance I was okay, but reassure makes it worse and I became so depressed. At one point I just wanted to be bisexual or gay so it would stop, but every time I tried to convince myself I was, it never felt right. All this being said, I do believe sexuality is on a spectrum, I personally can find women attractive I’m just not attracted to them. It’s hard to try and talk about it because we’re scared of judgment, what other people might think. If I can leave you with anything, it’s that you’re going to be okay no matter what happens, in time it will become easier, but for now, I encourage you to talk to someone, like I said maybe a school psychologist. Let me know how you get on and I hope any of this helps Smiley Happy

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hi @TheForestBeneathTheValley 

 

Welcome to ReachOut and thanks for sharing your experience with us. It must have been so challenging to get that off your chest. We are so glad that you have found reading this thread helpful. I know Amber-Marie has provided a lot of useful support and insight but I just came here to say that what you are going through sounds so challenging. I also just wanted to direct you to a post we made here which also may be beneficial. It talks a little more about some of the things you have mentioned. I also wanted to check, how long has it been since you have consumed any food or water? Heart

 

We also have community guidelines to help protect our community and create a safe space for everyone. As a result, I had to edit a little part of your post as our forums are anonymous Smiley Happy

 

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey again Amber, thank you so much for the reply. Your experience and insight on the situation calmed me down a lot, and I was able to eat today. From this entire chat, you’ve given so much help to everyone else, but also yourself from the past 4 years of coping with HOCD. that’s exactly how I feel, everything you’ve mentioned. I want to bring it up to the school councellor, but I’m afraid. Afraid that she’ll tell my parents. There was one week where it was terrible, 5 days where I was doing better and talked to my parents, then I laughed it off, and went “Haha, see, nothing is wrong!” Then the OCD doubt came in again and made me go ballistics. Fast forward another week and now I feel like this. I’ve tried to push the thought, and just went, “Okay, you had that thought? So what?” and it has helped me slightly. I do find females attractive, but not to an extent where I’d do anything to them, it’s more of a fan type of attraction to where I aspire to be them, and look like them, but my mind shifts and makes it to where I feel like I develop feelings for them because I think they are pretty. If you have any tips on how I can cope with this, or the strategies you used that I can apply and see if they work, then I’d really appreciate it a lot. Thank you so much for your reply Amber, I am literally crying myself out of exhaustion.

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I truly love this place, it’s very helpful. I’ve never felt so much support. I eat once a day now in comparison to my usual 3, and barely drink water. It’s hard to drink. I feel as if even if I’m calmed down from my happiness, I just still feel the deep pit of sadness. Everything is more emotional, my father speaking to me makes me want to instantly cry and collapse. He walked into my room (We’re very close) and said, “i feel like something is wrong, and no matter what happens I always want you to know I love you, and whatever it is you speak to me because I’m always on your side.” And I cried, I cried. I cried as soon as he left. I don’t know, but it made me feel better, crying. Thank you for your concern, and thank you so much for this community,
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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

hey, I’m so glad you responded and I’m glad my words and experiences helped calm you a little. I’m no expert but I’m sure your school psychologist can only alert your parents is you are have dark thoughts and that you may hurt yourself, I could be wrong but that’s what I know of. Second, and I cannot stress this enough, please reach out about your eating. I know how much it can affect your day to day life, but eating one meal a day simply isn’t healthy and every single one of us on this forum do not want you to minimise your eating to that state. We all are here to help and will give you the advice you need to get to a healthy place, because that’s what this is all about. One of the worst things I dealt with was it waffling back and forth. One day I’d have anxiety, the other I wouldn’t. And sometimes when I didn’t have anxiety, I would have a back door spike, my thoughts would turn into, “What if I don’t have anxiety anymore because I’m accepting that I’m gay/bi?” So either way I was dealing with it almost almost all the time. My intrusive thoughts and compulsions would happen from when I woke up, to the minute I went to bed. As for advice I can give, all I really know is accepting the thoughts and not doing compulsions, you do compulsions to relieve anxiety, but that only makes it stronger which makes it worse. It’s so hard to ignore them, but once you start it’s a stepping stone to getting better. But please remember that I am not an OCD professional, I can only give my experience and help others. I can only hope my advice helps, mine started when I was fifteen and I’m still getting better today, but it does get better. But regardless, you will figure it out in time and all of us are here to help you through it. If I can say anything, research HOCD that can give you a better insight into it. I hope I help somehow, let us know how you get on Smiley Happy

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I’ve eaten twice today, even though it’s late because I fear I won’t eat tomorrow morning. Because of corona, I fear I can’t get in touch with my councillor unfortunately. I’d have a thought of, “Wow, that girl is pretty.” (Usually a movie of some sort) and dwell on it all the time. It’s as if I’m always thinking about each and every person into a relationship type of view which I can’t get rid of. Because of thinking everything in a relationship type  of way, it affects how I view everything. (I’ve always thought about it this way for males, but for females it panics me, makes me afraid.) Recently, (just a couple of hours ago, on this page, when I first talked to you kind lot) I was reading the few pages of others experience and yours as well. I don’t know who it may have been, but someone mentioned to just say to your thoughts, any instructive or any sort of thought that bothers you, just say “whatever, it came to my mind. Cool.” I’ve done that, and it eases it a lot which I now try to do more of. 

I guess my anxiety eased because of that for the past afternoon. I don’t think I fear the thought of people in society accepting if I was bi or lesbian, I fear the thought of ACTUALLY being bi/lesbian myself. I don’t want anything to do with it. I do see how when you try to ignore it, or relieve the compulsion by trying to fire back emotion at it, how it affects you even more. Another problem has sparked though, and I don’t know why.p, I don’t know what’s happening.

 

I’ve gone into a part where I feel like everything is just dull and plain. I’m outrageously emotional over everything. Back when my anxiety eased (still had these painful anxiety attacks and instructive thoughts) I’d become bright, do stuff with my parents, play around and whatnot, then become upset. But now... now whenever it eases like this afternoon, and someone tries to speak to me, I almost break down immediately. I don’t want anyone near me, or anyone to speak to me or hug me or else I’ll just cry. I hear a few words from my parents, and I just want to cry. I feel so emotional, and just sad. I don’t know what feeling it is, I can’t understand it, but I feel something, and it’s bothering me really badly. It’s just a constant feeling of being overwhelmed, exhausted, tired, upset and useless. I talk so quietly, so un-like myself that my dad walked into my room and asked me if I was feeling okay recently because of how dull and quiet I was, and I broke down when he left after telling him I’m fine and nothings wrong. 

Also, it’s no worries, I understand you’re not a professional. I guess your personal experience just helps me understand it, and that I’m not alone. It really helps to just let out my emotion in words instead of rambling up in my noggin and creating new scenarios. I will give it time. I’ve never lost faith in myself, at least not yet. 
thank you for your reply. 🙂

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

the idea of saying your intrusive thoughts out loud and laughing at them is a great way of coping with OCD. I’ve seen videos of people who are going through these types of thoughts and they said it helped them. 

I do want to talk about your feelings of feeling dull or plain. I felt like that for the majority of my adolescence and I still have phases of it from time to time. The coronavirus completely slipped my mind and I realised schools are closed for the time being. There are definitely threads on here that you can go through and they’ll direct you to some really helpful information to get you into a healthy mind set. I used to sit in my room with my earphones in and just block everyone out and dwell in my own thoughts, they were not very healthy. As cliche as this sounds, bottling it up and acting that everything is fine when it’s not only hurts more. Maybe have a conversation with your parents. You don’t have to tell them anything you don’t want to, just tell them how your feeling, sad, dull, numb, whatever the words might be. As teenagers we expect our parents to just read our minds, or that because they’re adults they can’t understand. You sound like you have a positive relationship with your parents, I hope that it might give you a bit of courage to open up a bit and let them know you’re not doing too great and you might like some help, of course if you’re ready and want it. 

Feel free to post anytime if you’re not doing too well and we can all help in giving you some help getting through it. You never have to go through anything alone and we can be your support if that makes you feel better Smiley Happy