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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey @Amber-Marie, have you thought about reaching out to a LGBT counselling service like QLife? It might help to talk to someone who specialises in sexuality and the realisation process. Even if you are not actually Bi and experiencing obsessive thoughts, they would still be handy to talk to.

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

@ElleBelle, thanks but I don't really think that they'd help me, I'd feel much more comfortable talking to my own therapist, but thank you for the suggestion. Smiley Happy

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

How are you holding up @Amber-Marie?

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

@juliet, I'm actually holding up pretty well now, I've had less instructive thoughts since I've talked about this and I really am starting to feel more confident and feel like my normal self again, I really don't think I'm bi or gay at all, of course every now and then it's there but for some reason I just feel better. I still intend to talk to my theapist because I feel like she could get down as to why I actually felt like this, thank you for asking I'm doing much better Smiley Happy

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I also feel like I've learned that the voices in my head are all lies, whenever the voice in my head says, "I'm bi/gay" I just go "whatever" because I feel like I've learned that it's all one giant lie that I've built to scare myself, I feel so happy that I've realised this

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I am so glad that you're feeling better @Amber-Marie Smiley Happy It's great that you're challenging your intrusive thoughts. Also remember that even if they WERE true, experiencing same-sex attraction is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. So, you can see that they are irrational thoughts AND they're not even true anyway -- double whammy! Double 'whatever' like you say Smiley Happy

 

I am also glad that you're still going to have a chat about this with your therapist. Let us know how you go!

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

@juliet, ok these thoughts are definently coming back, I'm not kidding, it's like as soon as I feel better and confident again, they rush straight back in, it's like an endless cycle, a tiring, stressful, exhausting cycle. I kind of want to explain what's happened here, so obviously for a few days I don't think about it and feel good, but it's like I'll wake up one morning and my brain will be like, "oh, haven't thought of this in a while haven't you?" And then everything gets messed up, I don't feel gay or bi at all, and I honestly mean that, I know that there is a big difference between attracting and anxiety but this is getting ridiculous. I honestly feel like my future would be better with a man. But I have a feeling like I might know what caused this. I have always been one to use my mind and imagination and I personally like spending time alone, I just enjoy my own company, and growing up, I've always felt...lonely, not different just lonely, for no reason? Why might this be? I get lonely around EVERYBODY, friends, family, people I don't know, this is like an endless form of anxiety to me, I've kind of had an OCD past, where I worry about things so I check things constantly, read things about 100 times you know what I mean, I'm always worrying and I feel like this is the biggest thing along with everything else that I worry about. I'm very self conscious, but here is my problem, when I first found out what gay/bi was I instantly didn't like the thought and I felt like it was the worst thing to exist (of course my opinion has changed now) and now I feel like it's that fear trying to kill me, why is that? It's weird. I know no one on here can tell me if I have HOCD, but I literally was never attracted to girls growing up only ever boys, boys fascinated me more than girls because I considered girls boring because they were like me, and boys were this new thing I didn't know about, but it's caused me massive anxiety around women, like I feel like I don't know how to act since I wasn't exactly friends with any at a young age. I've tried saying that I'm gay, I'm bi, I'm straight, out loud to see which one feels right and it's always straight, I just feel like any other title just...isn't me. So what on earth is going on here, do you have any ideas?

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

The only person who can discover your sexual preference is you @Amber-Marie, and I understand that process is really difficult when your thoughts are confusing and run in cycles. Have you had a chance to speak to your therapist about what's been going on? They will have a much better understanding about whether this is part of a self-discovery process or a compulsion.

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

no I don't get to until I get back to school which doesn't start for another week, I @ElleBelle don't feel like this is me, I don't feel like I am in anyway lesbian or bisexual and yet this is my continuing thought, I do remember as a young child that I was definently hated the thought of being gay.

But I'll also say why I first thought this way, so I was watching the movie dodgeball with my mum and the leading actress played as a bisexual, I then asked my mum "what's a bisexual?" And she said, "someone who likes both genders" and...after that I don't really remember much, I don't exactly remember my reaction, I don't think I really had one. But after that the thought didn't really bother me all that much until one day...I was in music and I was just minding my own business when...I had an incredibly disturbing thought about kissing this girl in my class, now I just want to clarify that I wasn't staring at this girl I wasn't even attracted to her, in fact I HATED her, she was mean and just agh, now I will say that she was pretty but not THAT pretty gees, but after that my mind kept replaying it and tortured me for about a month, I didn't think I was gay at all and this was just a random thought that had crossed my mind.

Then I moved schools and my natural attraction was to boys, of course being the "new girl" is stressful so I found that very normal and I hadn't even had the thought of being with a girl.

Then year 10 rolled around, and well...worst year of my life, near the end of the year the thought struck my mind, "what if I'm gay/bi?" And everything went incredibly down hill, I became stressed to the max, anxious all the time, depressed and suicidal, my worst fear is to be gay or bi so of course I was immediantly terrified. I then started to constantly look for attraction in girls all the time looking for any type of attraction at all, which led me to...umm..."checking" myself all the time, which didn't help f all, before I knew it I was getting aroused by everything...and that just lowered my self esteem to about -100, I couldn't think in class, I started contridicting my past which didn't help at all, because even things that I knew weren't true started to lie to me, eventually I even started to believe them. It drove me insane, I took online tests all the time to relieve my anxiety, and here's what annoys me, my parents are very open minded people which I'm thankful of, but here's the thing knowing that they would accept me if I did turn our gay/bi does not relieve any anxiety I already have, in fact, it makes it worse. All my life I've desired to be with a man, and have a life married to a man, so why has it one day been blown out of proportion when eventually my brain started to even lie about my past, this makes 0 sense. I'm so confused this is absolutely crazy, I feel crazy.

So why other question to you is, does this seem like a normal thing to go through as a teenager, if so how do I stop and/or lower the thoughts, if not, any ideas on what I can do to help myself, thinking less about it less is no longer an option since it is already concealed in my brain, and trying to distract myself just doesn't work at all.

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey @Amber-Marie,

Like a few people have said, it is pretty normal for your thoughts and feelings about sexuality to jump around a bit when you're a teenager. It's a time in your life when your body is maturing and you start spending more time out in the world meeting new and different people. Some people just "know" their sexual orientation, some aren't sure, some try things to see how they feel. 

So yeah, I hope that can reassure you a little. It's normal to not be normal. Smiley Wink And, often things we think about or even fantasise about aren't things we actually want to have happen in real life. Do you think that might be what's going on for you?

It sounds like the anxiety or obessive thoughts you're feeling about all this is really making your life tough right now. Is that right? Anxiety is a pretty common problem! We have a fact sheet on anxiety disorders which talks a little about what symptoms of anxiety or obsessive thoughts can be like - do any of these sound familiar? Hopefully talking it over with your therapist might help you start to get a handle on how you're feeling.

 

Good luck!

blithe