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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

@blithe, yes these all sound very familiar to me, like I said I didn't have it this bad when I was in the younger stage around year 7, but once year 10 rolled around it was like all logic that I'd ever known about myself was thrown out the window.

One really bad I experienced this month was this, I had the thoughts in my head all night, all my family were asleep and I was stil up, anyway, I was sitting on the edge of my bed my head in my hands crying and I really had enough I just had it, I thought that if I said what I am about to say would give me relieve...and it did, I said, "should I just say I'm bi" and I just sat there, didn't think just let what come to my head come to my head and the first thing that did was, "YES!!!" It was a huge nagging voice that just shouted at me, and I was of course I was devastated, but then...another voice came in, and it just spoke to me, "no, you're not, you know that this isn't you, this never was you..." And...I just felt so much calmer better and...happier, I managed to get to sleep that night thanks to it.

So I can definently say that I know what it's like to have voices in your head and to hear them all the time. This is what consumes me the voices, images, thoughts, the "checking" it's all consuming my life and I just want to learn to be at peace.

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

so I did end up seeing my therapist today and the conversation was mainly made up of this topic. She told me that to her it sounded like I was experiencing some sort of OCD and that since my life is really full of a broken family I chose to think about myself instead of that, so obviously I chose my sexuality that didn't actually help me, she told me that I was so focused on this that it consumed me, she told me that I must have had some kind of "trauma" for me that was finding out what a lesbian was and reacting to that, she told me that some of the things I was doing were signs of OCD and that I needed to learn to calm down and take a break, but for most of my life I wasn't really put first by anybody, so what I've done is just chose something else to focus on.

She also told me I seem sexually frustrated and that seems to also be a problem.

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey @Amber-Marie, thanks for keeping us updated on how you're doing.

 

I'm really glad to hear that you got to speak to your therapist about all of these feelings. How are you feeling after hearing what they had to say? Do you agree? Or are there some things you feel like you need to discuss further with them? 

 

Besides suggesting you take a bit of a break break, did they talk about developing coping strategies with you to help with the voices and the type of OCD you're experiencing?

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

we didn't get to talk about coping strategies because we ran out of time, but I do agree with her and I said everything that I had to say so I honestly feel a lot better about it now then I did before, I will say that I've managed to control it a lot better I'm having less obsessive thoughts and I'm not really "testing" mysled anymore.

She told me that I've reached the age where I've met my sexual peek, I am sexually active (but I'm still a virgin) with my current boyfriend. But I explained to her that it wasn't just sexual things I just miss, a lot of it is because I don't get to see him very often outside of school which is hard since I just want to be with him. So I am definitely frustrated about that, she told me that my needs just aren't being met.

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Ola @Amber-Marie! I am so happy to hear you got to debrief a bit with your therapist and that it helped you feel a little better about the thoughts you have been having. I know this one session probably might not feel like it's done a huge amount, but remember that this is the first big step in a journey of lots of little steps towards learning about your brain and how to look after it!

 

Your therapist didn't mention coping strategies, however is that something you're interested in exploring a bit more? Now might be a good time to make a little bit of a list of things you can do when you're feeling distressed and to start practicing those things. That way if you are feeling not so great in the future, you will have already started out on the process of helping your brain realise ways to chill out a bit. Anyway, if you're keen on exploring this further, what are some coping strategies that you reckon would work for you? Can all the people on the forum here help you write a bit of a list? 

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

It would be great if I could get some help on coping strategies, about 70% of the time I feel good and confident about myself and then there's the 30% always nagging at me and stripping all of my confidence. I know that this isn't who I am because I never felt this way as a young girl or before year 10. So some coping strategies would be really helpful in these situations especially during school

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hi, I haven't been on here in a while, but I feel like I could really use some help right now. I can't really explain it that well, but I'm gonna try my best here. As I've mentioned before I've had intrusive thoughts about being gay. They died down for a while, but I can feel them coming back again. It's weird because when I think about interacting with another girl sexually, I literally get nausea. I also seem to lose my appetite and seem to twitch uncontrollably. These thoughts confuse me and I get so stressed out because I was sure that I was doing better, but now I'm just not so confident. I get scared of going outside and usually stay home, even though that doesn't really seem to help either, because then I just saturate in my own thoughts. I have again spoken to my therapist about this and she even told me how anxious and stressed I looked when speaking about this. I usually don't feel good until I've had a break down, which doesn't feel healthy. It's like it just all builds up until I just crash. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm paranoid. I always "test" myself and it makes things so much worse. I've never felt like this before. When I was younger I was always confident I liked boys, and around girls I didn't really know how to act. I always just wanted to "fit in" with them and have them as friends and all, but that all I can seem to properly remember. This going back and forth is exhausting and I feel just so anxious and paranoid.

Sorry that this is so long. Please someone help, I feel like I'm losing my mind again.

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey @Amber-Marie
I'm sorry that you're having these thoughts. Recovery can sometimes mean taking a step backwards, but it's totally normal.
Have you spoken to your therapist about these feelings?
Have you found any coping strategies that work for you?
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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

@N1ghtW1ng
My therapist told me that I should see a GP. She told me that what I'm describing sounds like a stress or anxiety disorder, possibly both. I've tried to give the thoughts the "whatever" attitude, and it worked for a while, but that's stopped working too. I feel like I've thought these thoughts for so long that now, I'm just so used to them. When the thoughts stopped giving me anxiety for a while that ended up giving me anxiety. I feel like I'm trapped with these thoughts and I don't know how to get out. I lost my attraction to men for a while, and all I ever did was look at girls after that. I was convinced I was attracted to EVERY single girl I looked at and I felt like I was going mad. It didn't matter who she was I was just convinced I liked every single one. I honestly don't feel like I'm gay, I just don't and yet, I'm also convinced that I am. It's like my brain keeps telling me that if I just admit it, I'll be fine. I've said that I'm a lesbian outloud as well as saying I'm bisexual, and I felt nothing. No release. I just felt uncomfortable saying them.I felt like they weren't me.

It's so hard when I had come so far to just feel dragged back again. It sucks because I never used to notice anything about girls before. I could openly admit when a girl was pretty, but I felt no attraction to her that I know of, only that I wanted to look like her. But it feels like I'm questioning my entire life now. I look for any scrap of evidence from anywhere. It's hell. I need a better way to deal with these thoughts. I don't feel like myself anymore.

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

@Amber-Marie I'm sorry that you're having a tough time with this again, it can definitely be very frustrating to find yourself focusing on something you felt you had moved on from beforehand. 

 

What can we do to help you move through this and feel a bit less anxious?