cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, it’s the absolute worst isn’t it? I’m 17 turning 18 this year. I know how hard it is to not be able to talk about it, when I was with my boyfriend I felt so distant from him. I felt like I couldn’t talk to him anymore and I just felt awful. Thankfully for me though I had a therapist that year when it REALLY started to kick in and I hesitated so much in telling her and when I did I started balling my eyes out and she stopped me and asked me a few questions, stuff about my desires and what my thoughts are like and she told me this, “These thoughts don’t mean that you’re gay, they’re just thoughts. Me and my girlfriends talk about the female celebrities we’d go gay for. This doesn’t be make you gay or bisexual. I have girl crushes and I think everyone finds some members of the same sex attractive, that doesn’t mean they’re attracted to them.” And her saying that really opened up my eyes. She was the absolute best and I’m so grateful that she was my therapist. If you’re going into therapy find a therapist who you trust and really like, that way you’ll feel comfortable when you open up about it. I lost motivation to work out, eat healthy or do anything at all really, especially going outside, that was the worst. You’re so welcome for the advice! I know exactly how it felt to try and get through it and having people tell me that maybe I was just curious or that I’m figuring myself out was so scary and I hated it, so it’s good to have someone who’s gone through it. 

 

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

It is the worst, my brain is really convincing me I’m gay but i know deep down I’m not and i would never be. Are you still with your boyfriend? I just sit here and think and it makes me just feel gay just letting the thoughts be. It’s weird i don’t know how to explain it. Did you like have weird disturbing scenarios and images in your head that won’t go away? 

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Also we’re you scared you weren’t going to find guys attractive anymore? 

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey @Nicole4729,

 

That sounds like a lot to be dealing with! Smiley Sad you mention therapy and I reckon it'd be a really awesome idea. Have you spoken to your GP about how you're feeling? They're generally the best place to start as they can also help with things like appetite issues.

 

Hang in there Heart 

______________________________________________________
No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I had my fair share of disturbing scenarios, they happened a lot and were all the time, as well as making me feel wrong and uncomfortable. But they do tend to go away if you ignore them. Unfortunately I’m not longer with him, but I do know how it feels to have a boyfriend when this is going on. And I did experience my attraction to men just falling dramatically, that was one of the scariest parts because I thought I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. Do you feel like you’re becoming less attracted to men?

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Yeah i keep having scenarios and images in my head and i can’t get them to stop. I don’t want to be like this. My brain is like evil it makes me seem like i like it or i want to think about it and i don’t. I don’t know if i am and that’s why I’m scared. My boyfriend is away at college right now and I’m probably not going to see him till Easter, so i have to wait 2 weeks! I really really hope this doesn’t ruin my relationship with him, I’ll be so upset): 

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hi, 

 

no i haven’t spoken to my GP about it, I’ve been drinking ensure to help my appetite. Hopefully that works, I’m just so tired of this at this point. I just want to be back to my normal self. Thank you!

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I can really tell you’re over it because that’s exactly how I felt too. And now that your boyfriends going away it’s going to be harder because he’s not there and you’ll be left alone with your thoughts. There isn’t really a way to stop it, you just have to let the thoughts go through and keep going with your day. Personally I don’t think that you are because I’m relating to a lot of what I went through, but I’m not a psychologist and I’m not you, only you can figure this out and conquer it. My best advice is to just let the thoughts go through and try not to stress so much over it, it’s a lot easier said than done, but it does work. Keep in touch with your boyfriend as you usually would and if he does ask if anything’s wrong, just tell him what your feeling, don’t go into detail about the whole gay thing, just tell him your experiencing some anxiety and he’ll probably just try and help the best way he knows how. You’re not lying when you say you’re over thinking and experiencing some anxiety because that is what’s happening, just leave out the details and explain it best you can. Do you think you will get into therapy? Because that is one of the best things you can do if you want some help with it.

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hi @Nicole4729, sounds like you're really conflicted at the moment and you can't stop thinking about something that you really don't want to be thinking about!

 

ReachOut has a lot of great articles that it might help you to read, for example this one about understanding sexuality, or this one about being gay.  You might find after reading them that they don't apply to you at all.  Or you might realise that it's okay to feel curious and not have the answers yet.  

 

We're here to support you Smiley Happy

Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hi I’m 19 and make, and I’ve been really struggling with what I think is HOCD for a while now. It’s seriously messing with my head and it’s making me feel like I have to be gay, like everything in my life is a lie. It was seriously triggered after my girlfriend dumped me because she wanted to try being with girls, and since then I’ve been wondering if girls are right for me. I have no attraction to guys at all, and the bought of kissing one or being sexual with one grosses me out. I have nothing against LGBTQ+ people, I just don’t want this life for me. It feels like it’s forcing me to be gay, and it’s starting to make women seem unattractive to me. I don’t know if it’s just really bad because of the emotional trauma of losing my girlfriend, but I can’t take it anymore. I know I’m not gay, even if the voice of HOCD is telling me I am, because if I was gay then I’d feel relief at embracing it, and if I was bi I’d feel the same way. But all I feel is grossed out. Please, I could seriously use your help on this