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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hi @Sandra1001, welcome to RO and thanks for sharing what's been going on for you, it sounds like you're working through some stuff with regards to a conflicting value between your past beliefs and present experiences. If you haven't already I would really encourage you to read through @gina-RO post, just before yours, as this may help to normalise what's been going on for you and give you a little more understanding around sexuality in general. So let us know if you find it helpful Smiley Happy

 

Also just a quick note I've sent you an email if you could please check it out!

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hi I feel the same way .. is it possible to talk about it with you .. I have been with my Fiancé for 3years now we recently got engaged and I am having these thoughts that I am bi or gay (I am a girl) it just sucks cause I don’t wanna talk to my friends because I feel like I might get attracted to them when in fact I don’t feel anything) I end up crying because my thoughts start to consume me and I don’t know what t I do  

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hi! we can absolutely talk about this, the one thing that I felt for so long was that I was alone and that I couldn't turn to anybody. The first thing that helped me was talking to my therapist that I had when it first happened and she really enlightened me about the whole thing. She asked me three questions:

 

Have you ever had a crush on a girl?

Do you want to be with a girl?

Do you fantasise about being with a girl?

 

All to which I answered no. My brain was shocked at how simple it was to break it down, but the OCD brain likes to take anything and RUN with it. This being said, this happened to me quite a while ago and I still have thoughts that break into my mind and make me doubt again. I felt crazy because I felt like I lost everything that I was and no longer felt like yourself.

 

I'm so happy to hear you're engaged that's wonderful! I recently just celebrated my one year anniversary with my boyfriend just under a month ago. The worst thing you can feel is that you might be lying to your partner, with your head telling you one thing and you all of a sudden don't know what to do.

 

I'm also guessing that these thoughts give you distress/anxiety. I didn't want to go outside, see friends, eat food or sleep, all because I thought, "What if something bad happens?" A triggering thought would just ruined my day.

 

I'm sorry this is such a long reply, I just know what it's like to feel so in the dark about this.

 

Hope to hear from you soon Smiley Happy

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

 

Hi I just spoke to my fiancé and he is very understanding .. he asked me why do you feel this way .. Plus he understood what I mean and why I feel this way .. I am very lucky to be with a person like him ! I have decided not to avoid it or let it affect my life because tbh I think OCD makes me think of so many things that are not true .. I was and am scared  that what if it’s true but I realised if I don’t find any girl attractive or I have never found anyone attractive in the sexual way then I should not let my thoughts define it more. I mean I do find celebrities n some girls beautiful but not in the way that I like them. And I do not want to be with any girl or nor have I fantasised about any girl but when these thoughts started comin in my mind I started wondering what if but the truth is I don’t , my thoughts were starting to consume me when I actually love my fiancé a lot I started crying a lot yesterday cause I felt like I would lose him and I don’t want to the worst part of my life would be losing him. So I told him how I felt and he understood me so well. It felt so good letting it out to him because I thought I was hiding this from him. He asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted him then he said don’t let these thoughts consume you because thoughts re thoughts and they will come back if you give them importance.. I won’t be going for therapy because where I live they don’t really provide it but it feels good to just let it out .. I am still scared at the what it but when I think what if I am just allowing my thoughts to consume me again so I think about it and let the thoughts go around but I don’t give them importance or I don’t avoid people or places .. when I felt this way I started to avoid my friends or colleagues cause I thought I might be attracted to them when in fact I just saw them as friends.. I hope you can tell me more about this. Cause I have not felt this before it just started this year because of my gay friend then I stared thinking what if I am gay then the boughs just kept coming back .. can you please let me know more because I have many weird thoughts before this I had thoughts that I might hurt the people I love and these are al from OCD.. I have controlled those thoughts because I read someone who felt the same and it felt so real so the therapist helped control those thoughts by thinking about them more and getting bored with them.. i would love to know more Smiley Happy

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I'm so glad that you were able to speak to your partner that's amazing that he's so understanding and he is absolutely right. Giving these thoughts a meaning will only bring them out more and more. What I have learned from this whole thing is that by constantly checking and trying to reassure yourself only ever makes it worse.

 

I also want to make it clear that this is not attack on the LGBT community, I always feel like if someone finds this they'll think I'm some crazy religious girl who's doing everything in her power to convince herself she's straight. I'm actually a Buddhist, I just want to help people who have felt like me. HOCD also affects gay people too, they might have gone through the whole coming out process and be content with their life and then think, "What if I'm straight?" So I do hope no one is hurt by this.

 

I used to have a really big thing about washing my hands, I did it so much to the point where they'd bleed and be sore, I've also had thoughts about hurting the people I care about, its some seriously scary stuff. Just like with HOCD the more you go and check the worse it becomes. The more you wash your hands, the more they feel contaminated. The more you worry about hurting people, you'll become scared of things like cooking utensils and repair devices.

 

I used to cry myself to sleep because my head used to feel so loud that I couldn't sleep. I thought that if my friend looked pretty I thought I was gay. I was so concerned for myself that I didn't speak to basically anyone. I got to a point where I said to myself, "If this is a part of me I don't want to deny it." So I tried to accept it, but it didn't feel right, I didn't feel like me. I also have friends and family who would without a doubt accept me, they wouldn't care. So it felt like nothing made sense for such a long time. When I finally found out about HOCD this wave of happiness and relief came over me. I saw it and thought, "That's exactly how I feel!" So I know that it is nice to finally have something to relate to.

 

But as scary as it is, you have to just accept the thoughts, which sounds totally backwards but that actually works. The more you walk around with the mentality of, "They're just thoughts." Your brain will get bored. Like I said before, I can have those moments where it all just floods back to me for a second, but another piece of advice from my therapist at the time was, "In life you have events, and think of those events as of though they're boxes. Sometimes the box comes off the shelf, but all you have to do is pick the box back up and put it on the shelf." 

 

I hope this is helpful, let me know if you have any questions! Smiley Happy

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Yes even I do not mean any offence to the LGBT Community... I know it will get better with time and maybe one day it will not affect me but it feels kinda scary at first I thought I was in denial or something but then I realised I have never liked any girl or found them attractive in a sexual way like you I was also going to accept it but then I felt scared because the thing is i didn’t even feel comfortable thinking myself as someone who is gay it was like I am forcing myself to believe it when in fact i was so scared to even accept it .. I know that if you are gay you would be proud and you would admit it to yourself but when you re not you just get scared and have that fear what f you are I don’t have a problem also with people judging me but when I myself don’t feel anything for the opposite sex I didn’t want to just say that I am gay it was like I am just accepting it because my thoughts are telling me nor do I see a future with a girl I see my future with my fiancé.. I don’t think I can even think of a future like it’s a girl like I mean nothing bad but it’s just not in my mind because I know what I want but it was truly confusing to keep thinking about it I have also cried at night so many times cause of this but it’s such a relief to know that HOCD Exists I was so dam relieved to know it does because I have always considered myself as straight n I have never felt may affection for any girl so it just sucked but I am glad to be able to talk to people who felt the same . And about hurting the people I love I felt the same when I look at cooking utensils I get scared too like what if I hurt my loved ones because of this .. I just sometimes want to make it stop but you are right reassuring yourself only makes it worse so I stopped doing that like when I thought I was gay i ised to try to check  out girls to see if I find them attractive it was like forcing myself .. but I am done doing that .. I hope I can get through it like you did ! I am truly very happy with my life and I don’t wanna ruin it by pushing away the person I love because of my thoughts. Smiley Happy

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I used to force myself to look at complete strangers asking myself if I found them attractive or not, that was the compulsion for me, I constantly did it to reassure myself that I wasn’t gay. But I’m glad to hear that you’re going to try and ignore these thoughts to get them to subside, I wasn’t myself for a long time because of HOCD and after I got through it I felt free again. I wish you all the best of luck for this and that your partner continues to support you. Let me know if you have any rocky parts or days, it’s better to say something then keep it bottled up Smiley Happy

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Thanks for contributing everyone. It is definitely best to share your thoughts and not bottle them up and we are here to support you Smiley Happy Asking questions and exploring your sexuality is very normal. We want to reiterate that only a psychiatrist/psychologist can diagnose mental disorders. For this reason, self-diagnosing is not always beneficial and can wrongly cause fear and confusion. There is nothing wrong with NOT being heterosexual and it is okay if you're still figuring it all out. It can be uncomfortable to not know the 'answer' but there is no rush - sexuality can be fluid rather than static Heart Please feel welcome to reach out and access support services to help you through this.
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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hi! I just wanted to say that I am not trying to diagnose anyone or tell what they do or don’t have. I’m only trying to help people who have gone through what I have. I went to my doctor and my therapist who both said that my actions we’re compulsions done out of fear and anxiety and both suggested I tried ERP. A way of working towards overcoming my thoughts and helping my anxiety and fear go down.  I hope that this isn’t inappropriate, but I just wanted to clarify.