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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

hey amber, I read your post and it is almost exactly what I have been experiencing recently, especially in regard to feeling like you were going insane. i've been having these intrusive thoughts and even though i know I am straight it was like my brain was trying to convince me otherwise. it's literal hell. It would mean a lot to me if we were able to keep in contact because knowing that i'm not alone is extremely comforting. 

Thank you.

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey Peyton, I hope you don’t mind my reply. I was dealing and still am dealing with the same thing. However the anxiety is almost nonexistent. I actually felt crazy, like I just wanted to lay in bed and cry. Is there anything going on in your life? Problems have a way of hiding themselves. It’s actually really common for it to hide as a sexuality or even gender issue, because it is so fluid. So it can be a bit scary because now it seems like there’s so much. However, you know yourself best. Take the anxiety day by day. Ask yourself the questions Ambers therapist asked her. Also, they are only thoughts. Just how someone feels fat and guilty after eating a chocolate they said they wouldn’t. It’s only a thought. Are you actually fat and should you actually feel guilty over a piece of chocolate, no. You ate it, move on. Same applies here, you thought the thought, now move on. Lastly, you need to rid or at least realize any homophobic tendencies. I’m a supporter of the LGBTQ+ community, but the thought of being a part of it totally freaked me out. Before all of my anxiety happened, I could easily accept being bi in the future. I would say, “I’m not bi now, but I really don’t care if I was in the future.”  But the moment like it started becoming “real” I freaked out. Being gay or bi, or anything else, is absolutely and totally okay. There really is nothing wrong with it. I would say I support the gay community, but would freak out over the the thought Of being bi or gay, it’s almost hypocritical. The moment I began realizing my own homophobic tendencies, everything clears up, honestly. All love is so incredibly beautiful. Being an actual supporter of other people’s love, helped me be confident in my own again. I know it feels like you really can’t control your brain, I think something that helped me was, “it’s okay to not be gay.” It sounds so weird because that line is usually said oppositely, but it’s true. It’s like your brain is forcing it and forcing it. Also one last little thing- 

i would freak out over being gay the most because that meant I’d have to give up men, lol. Just thought it was funny and goes to show that they are really only thoughts. 

I hope this helped you, apologies for its length. You’ll be okay. 

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey @Ruby-jones 

 

I just wanted to point out that I really enjoyed reading your reply/support to @peyton

 

I think you explained everything really well and it is something they, and may other readers, will benefit from.

 

You make a good point about challenging any homophobic tendencies in this situation - tendencies that one may not even know that they have! 

 

I also like how you've said "It's okay to not be gay."

 

Heart

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I’ve been going back and fourth with this for years. I’m 21 and this started when I was 14. I remember it was the day they legalize same sex marriage and I told my about it, I didn’t feel much for it I was like “oh cool” but than out of no where the What if I was gay question pop in my head and I was so scared and I fear. I remember I didn’t feel anything for a girl. I was going into my sophomore year. I would cry and have anxiety attack. I was inexperience at the time but I remember in middle school I would always have crush on guys. I never had a crush on my girl that are friends. When I was younger like 10 I would think of the movie romance about a guy and girl like high school musical or star struck. The only time I check out a girl was the way they dressed and how I wanted to have their bodies bc I didn’t have anything and how skinny I was. I would see if they were skinny like if they had a butt or not bc guys liked that. As in high school when the what if I was gay pop in my head. I was so scared it left me anxious I knew I didn’t like girls or had sexual desire to be with one. I remember how I would pray and it would make me feel better or one time I was at church and this girl ask about gay people and she said something that made me feel better and it went away. But I still had that fear. Throughout high school I was still scared but I would get crushes on guys and wanted to have a relationship with them but I was to insecure to ask out anyone. I lost my virginity at the 18 I wasn’t fantasizing about a girl or anything but it was awkward but once I got the hang of I started to enjoy it. I still fear about being gay but it went away until I got to the summer after I graduate it came back but it came back harder I was like what if I am I didn’t want to experiment bc that scared me and I don’t like specializing my body, I think it terrified me bc I was going to college and it would get more graphically in my head but than I would snap to reality and say it not me I try saying I’m bi but it didn’t come out right like knew it wasn’t me. So it’s either I’m straight or gay. But deep down I know I’m not gay. I would think I wouldn’t want to date one or marry one. I’m constantly going back and forth with with my high school and middle school experience and see where I could have. If I had sex with a girl would I enjoy it? I have a boyfriend that I truly love, and our sex is great, I never fantasize about girl until now bc I had a breakdown with him. I was thinking on how he would be better off without me bc I feel like I’m typically boring but he loves me I would cry bc I’d get jealous and he would reassure me and I’d feel fine. But than one day I woke I felt like I had no love for him and it scared me and so than I told myself the only time I felt like this was when I was questioning my sexuality and that when my whole mind change. It came back again to where I’m constantly questioning if I’m gay and every-time I convinced myself I am gay something brings be back that I’m not. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve worked with lesbians and I didn’t feel anything toward them. I have a boyfriend but now I feel like I’m not aroused and I don’t want to experience and I’m constantly in my head. I just need someone to talk to I’ve told my boyfriend but he was terrified I might leave him and I know I don’t want to. I just want to go back to the way I was where I loved him so much and had great sex with him.

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hi @Lopez21 , 

 

Thanks so much for your post, and welcome to the RO community. 

 

I'm not sure if you have had time to read through this whole thread, there's a lot there I know! But hopefully, if you do get a chance to read through the posts here, you'll see that you are definitely not alone in having a lot of different feelings around your sexuality. We are really glad that you found this space and I hope that it helps a bit seeing that so many other people have had times in their life when they have been unsure about their sexuality,

 

It's really normal to have questions in our mind about who we're attracted to, and our ReachOut website has a fantastic page with heaps of information about understanding sexuality 

 

I hear you say that questioning if you're gay is something that you find distressing, is that right? I also hear that you really love your boyfriend and are worried about this affecting your sex life and relationship. It looks like you're in the USA-  I know there are some low cost online counselling options available there, if you think it might be helpful to talk this over with someone one to one. 

 

I'll also be sending you an email shortly, so keep an eye out for that Smiley Happy

 

Thank you so much for reaching out here- our 20's can be a really confusing time, and a lot of people find themselves having questions about who they're attracted to , as the piece I shared above says :

 

"People use a few common labels to identify their sexuality. Your sexuality isn’t defined by who you have sex with – it’s about how you feel and how you choose to identify yourself. The important thing is that you choose what label feels comfortable, or you choose no label at all. You might find, like many others have, that the label you choose changes over time." 

 

Don’t worry if you aren't sure about your sexuality. Being young is a time for figuring out what works for you. Exploring and managing strong feelings is often part of the experience. Whatever is going on, questioning and exploring your sexual identity can be confusing and scary. You might be worried about how the people you love will react, or what it means for your future. It's important to remember that, while it might feel overwhelming, you’re more than capable of getting through this tough period – and it won’t last forever."

__________

Check out our community activities calendar for April 2020 here
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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I’m glad to see a bunch of people that have the same experience as me! I’m currently 16 and have started to feel this way ever since a friend of mine has came out bi. I’ve never thought of myself as gay or bi before this, in fact I was more homophobic and disgusted by dating and doing stuff with a girl (I’m not homophobic anymore). I still feel this way but my mind will only picture myself with a girl which doesn’t disgust me but makes me extremely uncomfortable and I cannot picture my future with a girl. I’ve only ever had crushes on guys and deep down I know I’m straight but my mind always tricks me. I always think about coming out as bi everyday but then my mind tells me I’m fully lesbian or straight. Being straight makes me feel happy and comfortable but anything other makes me uncomfortable. I’ve always felt with anxiety but this is the worst I’ve experienced, it’s made me wanna kill myself but I know I wouldn’t because I have amazing people in my life. Also, I go to high school parties and only consider guys hot and wanna make out with only them, I don’t feel the same towards girls. I feel like I’m loosing my mind and if someone could respond that would be great ! 

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

also I’ve felt this way before, but once I got into a relationship it went away. We recently have broken up and now this happens again. I’m just so fed up. I could never imagine myself having sex with a girl because that’s so un natural to me. My mind has me convinced that I’m a different sexuality at a different time every day!

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

I’ve talked to a friend about it and she thinks I’m bi but I don’t feel like I would do anything with girls? But now I’m confused, she said that I seem straight but since I think this way I must be bi 

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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Also I feel like I’m actually am lesbian but I’m straight? It’s hard to understand. I haven’t had emotions for awhile. I feel like I have a crush on this guy but I’m not sure if I’m forcing it or not, not to sound creepy but I’ve had numerous dreams about him. PLEASE ANSWER SOON IM LOOSING MY MIND
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Re: HOCD or in denial?! I feel like I'm losing my mind

Hey @Angelam9089 ,

 

It sounds like a confusing time for you.  It is perfectly normal to be confused about being straight, gay, or bi, especially our teenage years and early adulthood.  It's a period of discovering our self-identity so please don't place pressurise yourself to identify with a particular label or diagnose yourself with HOCD. It's a process that might take time to figure out Heart  However, it's great to overt these thoughts and feelings during this journey.