I've finally had enough of everything. The past few weeks I've been becoming more and more broken. I can't even look at my reflection anymore with breaking down and crying. Every muslce in my body just wants to curl in a ball and cry most of the time now. I can't talk to my mum about the whole trans issue otherwise she would flip out at me and I'm not sure how big the damage will be so I don't want to come out to her anytime soon.
But saying that I don't think I would be able to survive another three and a bit years without saying/doing something stupid. But I don't think I could keep quiet for much longer now. Mum has also been on my back about a few things that makes no sense and she believes everything is about her and her own dramas without paying much attention to how I'm acting. I've just had enough of myself and everything and am starting to give up and just want everything to end now.
I'm just reallyl lost and preplxed and have no idea what I should do.
Re: Had enough
That sounds like a really difficult and frustrating position to be in. You want to express yourself and be open about who you are and feel like you can't do that. That has to feel like a really unfair situation to be in.
Has your mum said she would have a problem if you came out?
Maybe you're feeling like you have no choice but to bottle this up? Is there another family member — maybe even a cousin or aunt/uncle — that you're close to and can come out to? What about some close friends who will listen?
It also might be good to have a chat with someone who understands what you're going through. QLife are open right now (5:30pm–10:30pm everyday) on 1800 184 257 — they're focused specifically on the LGBIQT community and understand exactly what you're feeling right now.
Re: Had enough
Mum hasn't directly/personally said anything about if I were to come out to her, however the comments she and her boyfriend/partner makes would indicate problems if I were to come out to them.
We're not really close to any other family members, but there is a close family friend who I could talk to and ask for advice with dealing with my mum; but I'm not sure if I really want to do that.
I'm just sick of crying every day now. -.-
Re: Had enough
i'm sorry to hear you're not feeling great right now. it must be pretty hard feeling like you have no one close to you to talk to. it sounds like your mum is a pretty important person in your life though... maybe you could take a few baby steps towards coming out to her? like talking about the topic in general, without specifically relating it to you? this might help you to judge the situation a little bit more. you could even do it when her partner isn't around if that is more comfortable for you.
i think you sound like such a strong person, so please don't give up hope. there are always people around to talk to if you ever feel things are getting too overwhelming. @Lex made a really good suggestion about Qlife. or, if you don't feel like talking but need some inspiration to get you through the day you could take some time to look at the "it gets better" project. maybe you've already seen it? it's all about how people, including LGBTQI young people, have felt hopeless but have got through it and are now living really open and positive lives.
Re: Had enough
Im not sure how I can help but i hope you feel better soon.
Im not exactly sure what to say, but some things just take some time. I know it will be okay in the end for you.
I pray that day comes quick for you.
Re: Had enough
i'm so sorry you're dealing with a parent who's so unsupportive at home. my own mum has always had a lot of issues with my sexuality and gender identity so i definitely know where you're coming from. nowadays my mum has finally come to terms (if somewhat in a strained and awkward way) with who i am and i have a lot of friends and an amazing partner (plus other family members who have always been supportive) and life has improved a lot.
it's not much but the things i found really helped when i was struggling with an unsupportive mum and home was:
1. maintaining my own personal support network/family. to do this i used to be really active on a forum for lgbt+ teens and talked a lot with other trans people which helped a lot. just knowing other people out there cared and knew what i was going through was really validating and felt awesome. i also regularly attended a youth centre for lgbt teens too (if you're in a capital city in australia there should be one near you if you're able to get into the city, you could even tell your mum you're going to support a friend of yours, etc. depending on her views). nowadays i feel good with the support of my family and close friends who i've met who are trans or who i've been friends with since school.
2. live as yourself in any way you can, even if it's just online. if you have a set of pronouns and a particular first name you want people to use, get people to use it. this can just be online with strangers, or with a couple of trusted friends, or at a youth centre, or all three. i came out to my youth centre first and my close friends, and was going by a different name and pronouns for over a year before i came out to my family.
3. think about counselling if you don't go already. if you're able to access counselling, definitely do so! venting to someone who won't judge and who can just listen makes all the difference in the world. i've found headspace centres have always been supportive and kind, even if they haven't necessarily always understood trans issues completely. it really differs from centre to centre though depending on what training the staff have had, but i had a really nice psychologist who went to training about trans people and trans issues when i became her client. again it's something you can tell your mum is for a completely different issue if she wants to know - headspace talk through with young people about all kinds of issues, from break-ups to friendship problems to troubles with schoolwork, etc. and it's all confidential, and you can go for free if you get a mental health plan from a gp (most headspace centres have a gp too, so it's all inhouse).
4. protect yourself as much as possible and make your life as fun as you can. spend your free time doing the things you love the most, whether it's sports or games or art or whatever. give yourself fun outlets and make the best life you can for yourself while dealing with having a rough time.
5. remember you are an amazing, beautiful, wonderful human being!! and it's nothing but a shame if your mum and her boyfriend would think otherwise because you're trans. that's their opinion, and it's wrong - you're perfect and fabulous exactly the way you are, and there's a whole world of people out there who agree! including me, and the people on reach out, and anyone else you meet in your travels through life.
i hope some of these things help a little! keep posting and chatting and look after yourself, cos you are AWESOME!!!!
ps: sorry for the text dump.
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