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Help, I need someone to make sense of this please?

I apologize in advance for this long and boring rant, but I don't know what else to do. I talk too fast and skip around too much for me to verbally express my thoughts, and I tend to use the wrong tone of voice. I can't keep this bottled up anymore, I have no more room for it and I doubt things will get better. Even if you can't offer any advice please just write something, I can no longer use my own perspective to identify my problems; call me an asshole or tell me that I need to grow a pair, just... something, please.

I'm a guy, almost 24, just about 7' tall and I legitimately hate myself. No one hates anything more than I hate myself. I hate everything I've done and I am proud of nothing, even though I have accomplished what most people would consider outstanding achievements. I hate my face, my receding hair line, my height, my personality, my weight, my voice, my family... I hate everything that makes me who I am and I feel like everyone would be better off and happier without me. I know it's not true, them being better off, but that's how I feel

I used to be happy and shyness was only slightly prevalent, but lately I've been trying to remember the last time I was grateful for anything, and I can't. The past few months have been especially horrible, either I stay up all night and auto-pilot through the day, or I sleep in way too late yet still feel drained. I feel nothing for hours and then this uncontrollable wave of emotions wrap around me, leaving me powerless but to feel constricted and used by each and every one until I am empty again; humiliation and joy, fear and happiness, anxiety and anger, frustration and confusion, terror and giddiness hit me and pulls me under. It happens unexpectedly and lasts for days, even weeks.

It's like drowning and no one around can see me here, treading water, wishing someone would grab me and pull me to safety. Each breath is filled with hopelessness and misery. It comes and goes without warning, gripping my face with cold hands and drains all the emotion from me, leaving nothing but an empty shell. Every day is a different struggle, something new to worry about or remembering old shit that no one but me fucking remembers.

Loneliness has always been the controlling aspect of my life, I have always been alone, and never really being understood and accepted has left me a fucking wreck. I feel as though I am the only person around me that sees things for what they really are. I notice fake smiles and forced laughter, a favor from that gut that wants to please everyone. I see when those who self-harm grab their secret spots when a stray hand unintentionally nears them. I see through lies and deceit, thinking that I'm the only one that truly knows the nature of this cold depressing world and the way society treats itself. Or maybe I know these things because it takes someone who practices these things to actually see it. I don’t know which is worse, being powerless to stop evil, or supporting it.

I know way too much shit too, it's mostly useless information, and it always starts arguments. Everything I hear throughout each and every day triggers me to correct someone when they say something misinformed, or add a presumed interesting fact about the weather ex: “heat-lightning” isn’t caused by heat. So I keep quiet. Nothing I say can be understood by anyone anyway. Then, when I don’t talk, they question me: “Why are you so quiet all the time?” “Speak up, I can’t hear you” “You’ll never get what you want if you don’t speak out.” I hate it. I hate how people expect me to be what they want me to be. I hate that they can ask these mindless questions and not have the capacity to have already figured out the answer. I don’t like talking; It leads to questions that i don't want to answer.

People avoid me; they always have, people even cross the street or turn away if they’re unfortunate enough to make eye-contact with me. It’s hard being the center of attention when I despise it, but paradoxically it’s the only thing that will lead to anyone meeting me, let alone understanding me. I was the guy who wasn’t picked first, or second… I wasn't even picked last most times, I would be standing there as the last person and they would start without me, as if I wasn't even an option. People only talked to me when they were forced to sit next to me for a project in class, or when I would be blocking the hallway. They never knew how much a simple hello could have changed me, helped me feel wanted, desirable even for conversation. Nothing good can ever happen to me, I'm destined to be lonely, the exiled social heretic that I am, choosing to be alone, avoided by strangers,  yet aching for something, anything, to take the pain of it away.

The thought of being on a relationship always confused me. I was never encouraged to talk to girls or was taught about talking to them. Everyone I ever knew had a crush on someone and I just sat there, wondering what it would be like to love someone so much that you would want to spend your entire life with them. I never approached a girl, for any reason, let alone to ask her out. Girls made fun of me too, and at times it hurt more coming from them. It was so easy to pick on me, they said whatever they wanted knowing that I wouldn’t stand up for myself, because if it did I was afraid that I would hurt them. Everybody I saw in school was going out or dating someone for some period of time. I thought it was a normal thing, being single, that maybe it might happen to me, but it never did. I never thought it would, and now I know it never will. I can’t act ‘normal’ around people, my heart races and my brain shuts down. I’ve been invited to a good friends’ wedding as a part of the ceremony and I don’t know how I’m going to cope. I can’t stand seeing couples together, it tears me up so much to see others make easy what is impossible for me to fathom. I must be the most frigid fuck on this planet.

When I turned 18 my parents wanted to have a 'talk'. They said that they noticed I never brought any girls home or talked about them, and that if I was gay they would still love me. To this day that is the most humiliating thing that has ever been said to me. I support equality for everyone, no one is ‘more equal’ as some may say. Knowing what I do about how my parents view relationships, they view gays as a lesser people, which is fucked up and is a completely uneducated opinion. My parents thought that I couldn't find a girlfriend because I wasn't interested in girls, so they thought I must be gay. I don't expect you to understand this or how this made me feel but that dug deep into what was left of my sense of self-confidence and ripped it to fucking shreds.

I can't even dream about loving someone. Not once, not fucking once have I dreamt that I was in love with someone, kissing or hugging them. It’s unimaginably frustrating knowing that I can't even approach a fictitious entity in the most stimulating hallucination known to mankind. No, I instead dream of dying, suffering, fading… The last song played in the movie “Donnie Darko” had it right: ‘The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.’ There doesn’t exist a word to my knowledge that describes what my dreams mean. I constantly dream about dying and killing myself. I don't want to die, but I really don't want to live either.


I have zero social skills and get panicky around people, even people I know. I always feel like I have some sort of tumor sticking off the side of my face when I'm in public. I can't stand the thought of eating in front of people and I get all sorts of choked up when I'm asked something and can’t think. It doesn't fucking help I'm 2 feet taller than the majority of people I come into contact with so I always get those looks of fear as if I'm going to step on them. I can't go anywhere without some dick commenting on my height, "Holy shit man, how tall are you? Do you play basketball? It must be really hard to find clothes your size!" I hate it; most people would give an arm to be a few inches taller. It is such a debilitating condition, being tall, that it affects everything I do from the moment I get out of bed, ducking as I stand to avoid the ceiling fan.

I was raised in a heavily indoctrinating Catholic family and was ridiculed at 14 when I spoke out as an atheist. My mother hated me and told me I would burn in hell. If I had any sense of worth before then, it was destroyed.

If you do choose to respond please leave your religion/spirituality at the door.

There's no easy way to say this, so um, I self harmed. That's it. Words I previously thought would never come from these lips. I was really low and depressed; the emptiness was so powerful I couldn't take it anymore. I’ll spare you the gory details but I’ve selfharmed nearly every day, sometimes more than once, since I started typing this a month ago. I cry myself to sleep most nights, but when I self-harm it's like the only thing I have control over. It rids me of my emptiness and anxiety for a while. It's the only light I have, illuminating my path for just a few hours. Every act of self harm has a reason and not once did it hurt, though strangely enough it hurts the most when I lie on that side in bed, or wash in the shower.

I'm sorry for wasting your time if you've made it this far, reading my pathetic attempt at describing how I feel.

Re: Help, I need someone to make sense of this please?

Hey there @Darkness_Within ... that was a lot for you to get out, and i'm really impressed with your determination to find a way to epxress what's going on, despite the difficulties you described with speaking. What you have described sounds like isolation, but you have found a way to reachout and break through it at least this time. That's not easy, and there was lots in what you have written that shows your strength.

 

You mentioned you feel like you are drowning and no one can see. Well we see you now because you reached out to us. For you to get through this you need to keep reaching out. Your instinct was to write out your experience and get it out there, and now you have to keep doing it.

 

Your story is an incredibly sad story. No one should have to feel the sadness that you feel - and there is help for you, you do not have to do this alone (you can't do this alone) You've told us that you've been thinking of ending your life - not because you want to die but because you want the pain to end. It's important that you focus on that part of you that does not want to end your life, but does want to feel the relief of pain passing - and remember that you have to be alive to feel the end of the emotional pain

 

While it's an important step you've made reaching out here, there are people who can help you and it's up to you now to keep reaching out and get in touch with them. You can get through this with their support and live without the emotional pain you feel. You can webchat with Sucide Call Back Service and I really urge you to do that now.

 

You are not alone with your pain, and I'm glad that you have turned to us. Now that you have spoken out here - take the next step and call and speak to someone one-on-one. The counsellors at Suicide Call Back are there for you 24 hours a day to help you figure things out and make sense of your confusion and pain so that you can feel grateful and proud again.

 

Online Community Manager

ReachOut.com

Re: Help, I need someone to make sense of this please?

Hey @Darkness_Within 

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have been through so much. It is completely understandable that you feel like shit. I just want to remind you that you deserve to be happy and to feel ok. That you deserve to get suppport and to mmake connections with people.

Have you contemplated what you might be willing to do to try and feel better? Would you get professional health in the way of a counsellor? If you call your local Headspace they can talk to you about your different optionn. They have psychologists and GPs who can help you look at the options.

There are a number of support services that you can access via the phone. You might find Mensline suitable or Lifeline. They are both good services that have trained professionals that can talk to you about a whole range of things. It's not a magic or full proof solution, but it's remarkable what a difference having a conversation with another human being who listens can make.

Also, have you considered trying different options to meeting up with people? MeetUp is a website that connects people who share interests. It's like a central database of every hobby you could possibly imagine! Is there something you're interested in that you might want to join others in doing?

 

And please follow Sophie's guidance if you feel so low you think you might be in danger.

 

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Re: Help, I need someone to make sense of this please?

Hey @Darkness_Within 

Thank you so much for posting your story, from what you have described this must have been a big step for you.

So i have to commend you for that. I agree with what has been said previously, now that you have opened up i would encourage you to continue too. Even though you describe that you cant really verbalise whats going on for you writing it down is jsut as good as speaking about whats going on. I also saw  that you have been working on posting your story for the last month, so what an amazing effort to actually upload it. 

 

I have to say that as well as posting on here i hope you reachout to some of the other services provided, and if you havent yet what are your reservations? Maybe we can help! 

 

For the mean time maybe have a cruise around the forums theres some sections like Hanging out http://forums.au.reachout.com/t5/Hanging-out/bd-p/Intros

 

and games http://forums.au.reachout.com/t5/Games/bd-p/Games

 

Thanks again, and keep posting !

Re: Help, I need someone to make sense of this please?

Hey darkness within,

 

I don't know what else to add to what's already been said, I just wanted to let you know that I hear you, and what you've been through seems like it's been super tough. There are parts of your story that I can relate to (my mum also thinks I'll go to hell for being an atheist!) and so much more that I'll probably never understand (I'm not exactly the tallest...) but I think it's worth saying that it's so good that you've managed to push through it all. Keep at it! I think you can find your own form of happiness if you keep searching.

 

I think it might be a good idea to seek some more experienced help, too - ReachOut is great for general chats and discussions with other young people, but the more serious stuff is better dealt with by a counsellor or psychologist. It might be a good idea to try an over-the-phone counselling service to start - have you tried lifeline? Give them a call Smiley Happy 131 114.

 

Take care,

Dan

Re: Help, I need someone to make sense of this please?

Thank you everyone for your kind words and helpful information. You all really know how to help someone through hard times and I can't thank you enough. It took me so long to write this and then I stumbled upon this site last week. When posted this I didn't know if it was the right place or appropriately worded, but you helped nonetheless. I was beyond anxious after it posted, knowing people who never met me would be seeing the worst side of me, the side no one but me knows.

Last night I read all of your replies, and it was the first time I didn't want to die. Though I never met any of you, you all helped me in ways I could never repay, you made me feel wanted, like you were afraid to lose me, and that's more than in could have ever asked for. I couldn't stop crying in between your posts, I've never felt tears of understanding before and I can't explain it.

I still feel lonely and anxious and unwanted by people around me, but now I know that some people care. I am extremely stubborn at seeking help even when I need it the most and it may take time, mostly because of it makes me feel embarrassed and inferior but maybe it's for the best...

I still don't think anyone could love me with these scars, but anytime I get low again I'll look back here, to your compassionate advice and understanding, and try harder. Thank you.

Re: Help, I need someone to make sense of this please?

Hey @Darkness_Within 

 

What a lovely thing to write. I'm really so glad that you felt touched by the replies here. And even more glad when I read that you felt wanted and that your existence matters. That's exactly the essence of every post here. It's what all of us are trying to say, to all of us, all the time. You matter. You have value. Your life is meaningful. Your absence would be noted.

Because, you are us. We are all scarred. We have all felt completely alone, like we could disappear into the ether and no one would even notice. We have all felt so low we've wondered whether getting up tomorrow is worth it, or even possible. We relate. Annd it's because we relate that we care.

So it's wonderful that you felt that. Smiley Happy

But, I'm asking you not to leave it at that. It's wonderful to feel connected and to feel for the first time in ages that you matter but this feeling won't sustain you. Thiis is the point when you need to use this feeling to propel you to the next action. Even a really small one of picking up the phone and making an appointment. Because there are things you'll need to do to move out of the darkness. But again, the beauty of Reach Out is we relate to that bit as well. Ask any one here who has suffered and then experienced extended relief from that suffering and they'll tell you that there were things they had to do. Sometimes repeatedly. But without that action, the nice feelings don't stay.

 

One thing you could do is scroll back through the replies and make a note of the suggestions. Maybe a list of names and numbers and a list of things to do. TThen you could check out the services online and see f you like the look of any of them, you could read through the factsheets or look through the forums for posts about how to make changes. And you can post questions too.

 

What do you think? Are you up for it? Smiley Happy

Re: Help, I need someone to make sense of this please?

Yes, I've looked through the forums and there are a lot of helpful ideas. I don't mean to sound pretentious but I know how the whole 'getting better' state of mind works, it's just that everything seems like a motivation killer. I just need to find the motivation, like when I quit smoking, lung cancer and wasting almost $500/month isn't very appealing, or healthy... Quitting smoking was the easiest difficult thing to do. All I needed to do to quit smoking was stop buying them, the easy part; don't participate. That's what I did on whim one morning, I decided to quit on my way to work. I still felt all the cravings, anxiety and restlessness, but those were easy to distract my mind from. With this it's different, I can't just quit being depressed.

It's extremely difficult for me to get out of my comfort zone at all, under any circumstances for any amount of time. I know I can't live like this and expect to be happy, I guess I'm trying to work on a reason to want it more, to make it happen.

I will make the call, I will try, and I still can't thank you enough, all of you. You are the reason how faith in humanity can be restored, I could only dream of helping someone as much as you have helped me. It's selfless acts of kindness like this that give me hope. Thank you again, so much for caring.

Re: Help, I need someone to make sense of this please?

Hey there Darkness_Within, I can't tell you how moved I am by what you wrote last night - thanks for sharing how you are feeling now. You are incredibly brave and I'm really full of hope for you right now. I understand that it might take awhile for you to make the next contact, and that you find it embarrassing but so many people need to reach out for help - they just don't talk about it (I really think web-chat with Suicide Call Back Service could be the next easiest step after posting on a forum).

The analogy you made about quitting smoking is a powerful one... I was wondering if perhaps it's the very symptoms of depression that make it hard to find motivation... Coz for me I'm thinking that the motivation is the potential for the emptiness inside to be replaced with hope, optimism & happiness... But perhaps when depressed it can be hard to look to the future like that? Anyway, really hope you stick around the forums.

Online Community Manager

ReachOut.com