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High TW: Was I sexually assaulted?

I am not going to say that I wasn't gullible because I believe that I was very gullible at the time. I was in my 3rd relationship and this one actually was with someone who was really nice... or so I thought. He kept asking when we could have sex though (which I had refrained from because of my religion) and at that point I started to think that if I had sex with him maybe he would stay maybe he wouldn't get bored and just leave me like the rest. I started to think that if I didn't have sex with him that he would just leave too and I didn't want that to happen but I didn't want to loose my virginity either. The first time he came over it seemed all he wanted to do was kiss me and I just make myself be okay with it. The first time I went to his house we were making out a bit and he really wanted to have sex so I agreed but started having really strong second thoughts and told him to wait and I was going to say no but he started getting all annoyed at me and I was worried that it would just happen anyway so I said okay.. not really sure if that counts. I was shaking and was scared that it actually was happening I felt trapped and tried to tell myself that if I did this then he would stay he would keep loving me that is was okay. It didn't feel okay. first I actually pushed him out I guess as a reflex but then he tried going back in a couple times and gave up. Later he would bring it up and seem very annoyed that I pushed him out. Sometimes when we were kissing he would force me back on the bed and wouldn't let me up again making me feel trapped again and scared of what could happen. He pressured me for oral sex and I gave in because he just got annoyed at me otherwise but I never said yes. We broke up and I felt very used and violated in some cases and I hated myself for not saying no. So I am not really sure if I have been sexually taken advantage of since I kinda agreed to keep him happy and was pressured a lot into other stuff like oral and he was trying to pressure me into anal but I kept saying no which is why I think he left in the end or he just got bored of me who knows. I feel so used and I don't know if this counts as being taken advantage of or not but it feels like it to me? Thoughts?

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Re: High TW: Was I sexually assaulted?

Hey @Justateen, welcome to ReachOut, we are really glad to hear that you found us Heart

 

It sounds like you are going through a really tough time at the moment and I am so sorry to hear that you've had these things happen to you. I am really happy to see that you are looking for some support and help for this matter. It's a really tough thing to ask for help sometimes and I want you to know that we can see how brave you are for doing this 

 

I wanted to let you know, I've moved your post to the Tough Times section, as this is where we have all our threads for really difficult topics, I've also added a trigger warning to the post, as the content could be triggering to some. 

I've also sent you a email to the address you used to sign up, so please keep an eye out for that Heart 

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Re: High TW: Was I sexually assaulted?

The same situation happened to me. In all honesty I still get confused and feel that I should have insisted on no. Even though I knew he would get angry I wish I was more forceful. There is always a tiny voice in my head that says I should have done something. Even though if someone else told me the situation I would clearly be able to say it's sexual asuualt if you didn't want it to happen. For some reason it's so hard to see that for myself. I always doubt myself. It's taking me a while to actually see it as sexual assault. And I would say it is because it certainly feels like it. The nightmares, waking up crying and unable to focus on study or even getting out of bed, the discomfort with being touch, flinching and having  issues in really believing/trusting people. The breakdowns especially, they feel like sexual assault. And it's taken so long but if it feels this bad, if I feel this bad then I have to accept that it is sexual assault. No matter how hard it can be to see myself as someone who has been sexually assaulted and no matter how hard I try to deny it. It doesn't change what happened. And I am blurting it out here I know but I just haven't been able to say it.  And I just need to say it into this universe somewhere. This happened almost a year ago now and I still haven't told anyone. There is a friend that I trust but it just feels so hard to t tell him, and I just want it to go away. I just want to move on and I want to be okay. But it's feels so hard. The hard part is coming out of lockdown and things returning to normal when I am not normal and I am not okay. Having to see him because he is in the same uni as me, or hearing people mention him. It's so hard. And I am terrified of covid opening up. I am terrified of what he might do, I am terrified to see him. And it all just seems so overwhelming. I am contemptlating whether or not I need to tell someone to move on from this. Because if it is a MUST to tell someone in order to heal from it then I will but in all honesty I do not want to tell anyone, and I do not want anyone to know. Sorry for this long message I just really need to say it somewhere. To say it so it doesn't feel so heavy and isolating within me. 

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Re: High TW: Was I sexually assaulted?

Hello @Ally000 , I am sorry to hear to hear about what you went through. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to want to move on but not feel as though you can. You sound like a very strong person, and I am sorry that you have not felt able to tell anyone about what has happened yet. I can understand the worries that you have about opening up and that you are thinking that you might need to open up to move on. The nightmares, troubles focussing and studying and issues in really believing/trusting people sound really difficult. Have you had a chance to see a professional about these and get some support?

 

I think it is definitely your choice about when and to who you want to open up to, but I just want to let you know that there are helplines available like 1800 Respect that you can call if you did want to talk to someone. You can call them up or chat online to a specialist counsellor and you can talk to them about your experiences if you feel comfortable doing so. It must be so hard not feeling able to talk with others about this situation, so I want you to know that there is help out there ready to talk when you are Heart

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Re: High TW: Was I sexually assaulted?

Hi @Justateen,
I am so sorry to hear what you've been through. How are you feeling right now? I can understand your feeling because I had gone through similar things in my last relationship although it was not about sex. It's kinda like being emotionally controlled by him to do things that I did not want to because he would get annoyed at me if I did not do that.
I don't know whether it is emotional control in your case but I think your ex was kinda forcing you to do things. But I think you are very brave and it is not your fault to be forced and controlled because it really struggles.
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Re: High TW: Was I sexually assaulted?

Hi @Ally000 , 

 

I just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling today? I hope things feel even a tiny bit less heavy after writing your post- it can feel like a really heavy burden when you're not able to speak to anyone in your life about what is happening for you. We're really glad that you were able to open up here.

 

It sounds like it would be really hard still having to see him at uni. Do you think having a chat to your uni's counselling services would be an option to you? They're free of charge and confidential, and it may help to unpack how you're feeling about what happened.. or if you are more comfortable chatting online or over the phone, 1800 Respect offer online and phone services that you can access here

 

We're also always here to chat. I'm guessing it would have taken a lot of courage to open up about what happened, you sound like an incredibly strong person. It sounds like part of you is blaming yourself/ questioning if you could have done things differently, I just wanted to say that what happened wasn't your fault. 

 

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Re: High TW: Was I sexually assaulted?

Hi @Ally000, this situation sounds absolutely horrible and I'm so sorry you had to endure this. I've had some similar experiences and it can be incredibly confusing and unsettling. It sounds like you were having second thoughts about being intimate with him which means you did not consent so his actions were completely unacceptable. I have only just started telling people about my experiences 4 years on- it can take time and there's absolutely no rush to tell anyone. In my personal experience it has really helped me to talk about my experiences with those close to me. It definitely feels good to get it off your chest but only when you're ready. Remember that you don't owe it to anyone to speak about it- this is your journey and you can open up about it whenever you feel safe to do so. It is great to see that you're using the forums though- hopefully sharing your story on here gives you some relief.