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I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me

Hello.

I really don't know what to say.

I don't feel like I should be writing anything here, because so many people have worse lives than me. 

But I can't shake the feeling- that I'm not normal, I can't fit in, people don't like me, I'm not going anywhere and that everything is meaningless.

I don't have a proper friend at school, almost all of them are just fake.

Most of the time I want to just be by myself, listen to music, eat, watch movies and be in beautiful places, but I can't do that. I have school, expectations, commitments etc. etc. etc. 

I'm supposed to be a 'smart', 'talented', 'nice', 'good' Christian girl, but I'm tired of living up to the expectations of myself and others. My parents insist I can do anything I like, but always ask how come I lost marks. They say they are reasonable and flexible, but they don't listen to me. I kind of want to just escape- go somewhere, disappear- but I can't do that to my family. I'm a selfless person who doesn't do what I want to do. And it's making me unhappy. 

I'm pretty sure my parents have undiagnosed mental illnesses, my sister-my best friend- has distanced herself from me, and I have a crap ton of schoolwork to do. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to be happy, myself, and free? 

Re: I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me

Hey @happyisgood

First of all I wanted to welcome you to ReachOut. It can be a really scary thing to ask for help, especially from people you don't know, but I am really proud that you've made such a brave step in supporting yourself. 

 

From what you've said in your post, it sounds like you're having a difficult time juggling a lot of responsibilities at the moment, and it's making you feel a little low. You did mention that you are having some thoughts about disappearing, and maybe even dying, so I just wanted to check that you were safe at the moment?

 

I really strongly recommend that you call a mental health support line like Kids HelpLine (1800 55 1800), Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), or LifeLine (13 11 14), if you are feeling low, or having any unsafe thoughts. They're always happy and ready to listen to you regardless of how bad (or not bad!) you might be feeling. 

There are a lot of things you can do that might make you feel a bit better as well! A lot of people on the forum do some self care activities when they aren't feeling their best. This could be anything from reading a book, going for a walk, or even going to bed early! It can really help you feel a little more in control of your feelings when you do these sort of activities as well. ReachOut actually has a huge list of self-care activities here if you wanted to have a look!

Hope you are feeling better soon!! Heart

Re: I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me

Hello @happyisgood. There's no problem with writing here, there are a fair few of us, with all sorts of experiences. Besides, you don't need to have the worst life out of anyone to need, want and deserve support. 

 

And I know about the parent thing...

One thing that did help was having a psychologist who was willing to back me up, and talk to my parents when I couldn't. Might that be something you'd be willing to look into?

 

You mentioned both that you don't feel normal, and that you want to be yourself more. Sometimes to be yourself it can help to stop trying to be normal, to try to find the things to make you unique, and you.

My particular "style" of weirdness involves making half the stuff I own sparkly, taking books to social events and most of my friends being parrots. It's not normal, but it's me, and it makes me feel happier than I would if I was pretending to be normal.

 

You have at least as much responsibility to look after your own well-being as you do for anyone else's. This doesn't mean that you don't look after others, it means that you look after yourself as well. You are not less than anyone else, and you deserve the same fairness and kindness as you'd give to anyone else.

 

Also, you mentioned feeling like you wanted to die. I know that you care about not hurting your family, but I also know how strong those kind of thoughts can become. 

Do you have a safety plan or support system in place at all?

Re: I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me

Hey there @happyisgood.
Welcome to the ReachOut Forums!

I completely agree with @Tiny_leaf and @TOM-RO. You deserve to feel supported, and you definitely need to take care of yourself.

I know what you mean by the 'fake friends' part. My current friends are always too busy for me usually, but they still care about me. A couple of times, they called me names behind my back, and literally said they didn't have time for me. They had plenty of time. I juggle way more commitment actuvitues then they do. Oof.... this part was rambley......

What I want to say, is that.....
You are not alone! We are all different, and have different needs.

I'm weirdly different, because I absolutely LOVE watching gross videos!
Nobody else would watch them, an I think I'm the only one on these forums that watch them.....

I can also understand that you feel like you don't want to live up to the expectations of others. At school, I'm the 'smart', 'caring', I am LITERALLY 'Christian', quiet girl at the front of the class. But when I started year seven last year, I changed that. As much as I hate swearing, I would swear occasionally, when something I was trying to say wouldn't be heard by others on purpose. Plus, I'm not allowed to swear at home. But my parents don't know that I swear at school! Sshhh....

I think what you need is some time away from those expectations. Can you possibly try out the self-care thread? It's a great place for it, and you can even mention if it worked or add your own!

Hope things go better for you. *Hugs*
//You are strong, You are beautiful, You are enough//

Re: I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me

Thank you so much for your support. I had no idea people would reply so quickly, and care so much! It surprised me, so thanks.
I might call one of the helplines if I am feeling way too low, but I need just somewhere to do that without anyone hearing me. My family thinks I get a little sad/ angry at times but haven't really seen it as an issue as yet. As I don't actually have phone at the moment, I might borrow someone's and have a go, and see what they say.
I think this weekend I will try to take some time for me and do something that i really love doing, like you suggested. thank you again! xx
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Re: I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me

Hi, thank you so much for your reply! It's great to know there's people out there with advice. I would really like to get a psychologist, but I don't know how to have that discussion with my parents. Or am I allowed to do that by myself? I'm not really sure what the process is. I will go and find out about it definitely though.
I know, I would really like to just be myself. It's just a little difficult, because I have spent so long trying to be whoever everybody else wants me to be, I'm not sure I know what 'me' actually looks like! I'm sure when I finish high school in a year or so, and travel/ go to uni it will be easier for me. I will work on it!
I don't have a safety plan... I've never heard of that, sorry. What does mean? I'm happy to do it, but I'm not really sure what that looks like. I will look into that. Thanks again for your concern xx

Re: I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me

It's so great to know that other people have the same problems! I hope you find some friends who value time with you, because I know what that's like. I have 'convenience' friends. I don't like any of them all that much, but they're a safety net. Is that the same for you as well?
Hahaha I'm not a fan of gross videos, but I'm glad you like them. Be you! Smiley Happy
It would be great to get away from expectations. I will go and find that thread.
Thanks for your support and care. xx

Re: I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me

Hi again @happyisgood. 😊

Good thing about the helplines; kids helpline now has a 24 hour web chat! It's good for me since I can type but can't speak on the phone.. I think that most places with a phone helpline also have a webchat and email option, you'll just need to check their websites.

As for the psychologist, if you're 16 or above I think you can see one without your parents knowing..
Headspace might be an affordable option, I think that they try to make everything free or low cost, and if your school has a psychologist they may be worth checking out.
If you're under 16, maybe it'll be easier to come up with an easier to explain reason for seeing one?
Maybe you could say something like you want to learn how to cope better with school stress. This may also give your parents a hint to back off a little about your marks.

And I know what you mean about not really knowing who "you" actually is, especially after having to hide it..
It takes some time and some trial and error. Even on the forums I have to remind myself that I don't have to pretend. I'm trying to learn how to be myself more un-apologetically.
For me it started with not censoring myself or my thoughts so much when I'm by myself. Like, who cares if watching a kids movie 50 times is weird, it makes me happy and I'm going to watch it. Or why does it matter if most people my age aren't interested in a new species of frog if I find it cool?
For me I had to re-learn how to move, speak and act in a way that is natural for me, rather than how I'd been "trained" to. I had to re-learn how to engage in my weird interests, and love doing that even though I'd been taught that they were weird and nerdy. And it takes time, I'm still in the process.

And a safety plan is something that you can put into place when you feel like you want to die. It can be structured something like this:

Triggers:
(what causes these thoughts, so that you can act on your safety plan earlier)
Safety:
(actions you can take to make sure that you're not able to get anything that you could use to hurt yourself. Even if this step feels unnecessary it's an important safety net)
Distractions:
(things you can do to distract yourself from the thoughts, such as coloring in, listening to music)
Contacts:
(people and helplines you can call if you're in crisis)
If you're injured or about to hurt yourself, skip these steps and call 000

I hope some of this was helpful!

Re: I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me

Hi @happyisgood, it makes me really sad to hear that you're struggling with expectations and schoolwork. Smiley Sad I remember having similar problems at school. I think schools can give out too much homework and a lot of pressure gets put on students to do well.

Are you able to talk to someone you trust at your school? I found some teachers were understanding if I didn't have time to do homework. They might also be able to put supports in place for you. One of my schools had psychologists who would check in with me and they were really helpful. They can also talk to your parents.

It's also important not to put a lot of pressure on yourself. What you are doing now is only a small part of life. Years from now, not many people will ask how you did in school. Many people who did not focus a lot on school are very successful. But I didn't know that at the time and thought that doing well in school was the be all and end all. I feel like I wasted a lot of time worrying about school and expectations rather than getting life experience and caring for myself, for example.

Re: I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me

Hi!
Thanks for your advice, I'm going to really try and reduce some of the expectations i put on myself, but it might be a bit of a process.
I'm trying to do really well and still stay healthy and happy, but it seems these two don't go together easily.
Do you have any websites or recommendations on how to manage stress?
Thanks Smiley Happy