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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

Good morning @Eden1717 I really wanted to say that with everything you've been through over the past month or so, that you're doing your absolute best. I can hear that things are still really hard but you're ability to face these challenges shows so much strength, I really really mean that. In particular this line shows how much you're reflecting on what you need right now 

 

 I can tolerate not being normal but sometimes I just need some support/help to manage

 

In saying all that, I can also see that having come out of hospital has added more layers of complexity to how you feel about the support that is available for you. I really hope in my heart of hearts that there comes a time where you get the care that you so deserve - you shouldn't have to wait, let alone so long for the right help but you continue to persevere. Know that through it all, we will be here to hear you out. 

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

@Bre-RO  I am trying but it is so hard especially when I am stuck inside with my family like i mean they arent bad people but like sometimes i just need a space that is completely alone where no one can hear me so i can just cry and or panic and not have people watching/listening/hearing/seeing me, i need to explode and when i am stuck around others it build up and means when it does eventually happen because it will it is really bad when it does. like being alone has its downsides too but it also gave me the space i need to breakdown but then i also know if i was alone i would have less distractions and idk it is complicated and i am just struggling because things are building up quickly and there is no release and everyone gets annoyed with me when i get upset here like it is me not being fair to them because they find it uncomfortable and like ok i get that but ii dont do this for fun and i am also very uncomfortable. 

 

i just dont know what to do like i feel like i am just constantly treading water and at night it gets colder and i shiver and in the day the sun burns me and slowly it is making me dissolve in the sea, i have to float and drift where the water takes me sometimes i am dunked by the waves over and over again and i come up gasping for air only to be dunked again. but then when the sea is calm the outside is more scary cause all you can see is the big blue nothingness that drags on forever. you can try paddling as fast as you can in the hopes you will find land but you never do and all you end up is tired and hungry and thirsty. maybe for a little you find a log you can float with but eventually the roughness hurts your hands and you have to let go. then when there is a storm you just close your eyes and hope the waves dont dunk you too deep that you cant get back up. but you dont know what you are trying for you are too busy getting dunked to figure out why it is all happening all you have time to do is try and breathe.  

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

Hi @Eden1717. I really wanted to reiterate @Bre-RO 's message - that I can see from your messages in the forum how tough everything has been for you recently, but also how you keep showing up each time and getting through it. I am really in awe of the strength you are displaying here.

That was an incredibly powerful description you just wrote there - I really hear your pain and your struggle inside it, and thank you for being so open and sharing these thoughts and feelings with us.

I completely understand the desire for some space, the current self-isolation regulations are definitely causing strain in many lives at the moment, and I am sorry to hear it is causing you to feel stuck. Is there any place in your house where you can be alone (as alone as one can be when a whole family is inside) and not feeling watched, listened to and seen?

Please know we are all here for you and hear to listen to how you are going.

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

@JazzInMay  I have no where I can be completely alone. I am just really struggling and idk what to do. 

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

I get you I’m so confused at the moment about myself and non of my friends really get it. And I just feel so alone 

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

Hey @Eden1717 

 

You've really had a rough couple of months, haven't you? Correct me if I'm wrong, but do you think the multiple environmental stressors we've had have contributed to your distress? I mean we have had a lot. I know you were really affected by the fires, and now the corona-virus situation and being stuck at home and not having your own space. I feel like both of those things are a lot to cope with, and can really shake someone who already struggles with their mental health. I don't know about you, but sometimes when I have an explanation for why I'm distressed, it makes me feel better. So, that's why I thought I'd highlight this for you. I mean, it's probably something you already know, but sometimes we know something but don't really acknowledge it, hence me bringing it up to you.

 

I hope this paragraph makes sense. I found it difficult to express what I mean.

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

@ImJustConfused23  My friends don’t get it either.

 

@Maddy-RO  The environmental stuff has definitely made it worse. Like even when everything outside is fine I struggle, but usually I can reassure myself that everything outside is ok and that as long as I can keep myself together things will be fine but now I can’t do that anymore and I haven’t been able to and won’t be able to for many months to come. I know I am not the only one who is struggling but it makes it really hard when I am not in control of myself and then the outside world is also out of control like there is nothing to contain what is happening for me. I can’t comfort and regulate myself with outside things anymore and I have never been able to do it with things inside myself so now I am just bouncing off things and hitting into everything because there is nothing to stop me and the breaks don’t exist so the driver can’t stop either.

 

I know why I feel bad this time I have many very good explanations for why I feel bad this time but this time all those explanations are doing is making me feel worse and more hopeless and out of control. If I cannot trust the outside world then how can I trust myself when I have been constantly told my beliefs and such are not real and are because of my mental health condition. But then I cannot know what to believe now because everything seems like a lie the whole world seems like a lie and the only thing left that makes sense is the things in my head that I was told were not true. No matter what I believe now none of it comes with good outcomes, what’s more is that now it isn’t even about good or bad is it about pure and basic survival, can I make it, should I make it.... nothing seems real anymore and I cannot tell what even should be real because everything just seems like a huge lie. All knowing does now is cast even more uncertainty into the mix it brings up more questions that I cannot answer knowing only really means that I don’t know anything because if this is all true and it is all happening then nothing I know inside or outside makes sense. 

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

@Eden1717 it's so hard isn't it..

Is there anything that feels good at the moment? Like even a small sensory thing.

I know it's not much but at least it means that you don't have to worry about whether or not it's real.

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

@Tiny_leaf  I still can’t know if it is real I am not even sure if I am real or even where I am atm. I don’t even know who/what is thinking in my head half the time anymore. Is this real or am I in another world or another dimesion or am I in a simulation I don’t know I can’t know for sure, am I really where I think I am or does it just look like that is someone playing a prank on me I don’t know. Why can I hear them whispering why can I feel others sharing the space where my head is supposed to be why does it feel like I am falling. Can they hear me is my family my family do I have a family am I even a human. When will I get what I made promises for are they trying to help me or hurt me. Why do I keep doing stupid things, do people know and they are just pretending why didn’t I listen at the start of all of this and is that why no one will listen am I really that stuck now after all of the things I did the things we did. No right now nothing I feel or experience seems real. 

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

@Eden1717 that sounds so hard..

 

Something that helps me sometimes is to make sure I'm somewhere safe and quite and just accept what my senses are telling me without trying to figure out whether or not they're real.

Do you think that might help?

 

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this...