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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

@Taylor-RO  I have been crying in my room and just came out. My mum just said she can’t help and she is too tired and she was going to go to bed because her head hurts and she has had a long day but she will still be mad at me when I am up late and I wake her up because I turned on a tap in the house and I need to be more respectful of her sleep and I need to arrange my life around hers so she can sleep and have rest.  If I want to fix my eating I need to develop more self control because that is all it is and I am just allowing myself to be this way because only I can fix this. 

 

I am just so tired and I keep thinking what would have happened if someone cared and noticed back when it started would I still have to deal with this. And yes it happens a lot is usually takes me 2-3 days to decide on what I can eat and if I am having to go to a restaurant I have to know a week before because it takes me that long to find something that I can have. I am so upset and I know I am going to start crying again but I have a headache and it is hurting so much now and I just don’t understand how much I have to hurt before other notice that I can’t take it. Or maybe they just don’t care in the first place. 

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

 hey @Eden1717

 

I saw that you had a rough night last night, which I imagine would have been very stressful. How are you feeling this morning? Did you manage to get some sleep last night?

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

@Andrea-RO  Today is also terrible I am really struggling with my eating and my family is making things so much worse right now I cannot deal this I feel like I am screaming inside I cannot take this I can’t keep doing this I can’t everyone thinks I am resilient and strong but I am not and I cannot deal with this anymore it isn’t fucking fair and it isn’t ok and I do everything for everyone else and it is never enough and I tried I tried to do what they wanted and I trie to get help I did what they said but it is still shit everything is still shit I am so fed up! 

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

Hey @Eden1717, I am sorry that your family isn't helping. I wish there was something I could do to ease the weight you feel on your shoulders. After everything you have shared, being fed up sounds super reasonable to me. You have tried so many different things which can be quite exhausting. Just know that we are here to listen Heart

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

@Taylor-RO  this isn’t something I am just fed up with I CANNOT deal with this and I CANNOT cope and everyone just expects me to keep going and put up with it but it is literally killing me and I can’t do it I do not have the ability to keep this up forever and frankly at some point it is going to be out of my hands completely it won’t be about me trying to soldier on it will be how long it takes for my body to give up and then everyone will act shocked and say if only she tried to get help only I was trying but not a single person listened and I will pay for the consequences with my life. 

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

Hey @Eden1717 

 

It sounds like you were feeling really unheard last night, and feeling like those around you weren't or haven't been taking your attempts at getting help seriously enough - like they don't get the full extent of the situation - Is that right?

 

Are you still feeling any better morning?

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

@Maddy-RO  I still feel terrible, and I am supposed to be Skyping my psychiatrist tomorrow and I really don’t want to have that conversation not only has he been ignoring what I saw but he also just left me to “deal” after coming out of hospital for 2 whole weeks knowing full well that I had zero supports and was still feeling completely terrible. He was even annoyed at me as if I was doing this all for fun. And not only will I have to correct him on his incorrect assumptions that he refuses to discard but I will have to explain everything else or face another however long with nothing but that is probably what is going to happen anyway because the bottom line is he has no freaking clue what to do with me and neither does anyone else. I will be left to deal with this alone yet again and I will be ignored yet again and it will be my fault yet again simply for existing. 

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

I feel really bad 

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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

Hey @Eden1717, it sucks that you feel alone and ignored. It must have been horrible to experience that after coming out of hospital which is already frightening for you. If I have understood you correctly, you have told your psychiatrist how you feel.. although there is still a lack of understanding and support.. is that right? If you feel comfortable sharing, what incorrect assumptions does your psychiatrist have about you?
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Re: TW: Re: I am having a hard time

@Taylor-RO  Yeah I have told him but he keeps saying you just need to work on that with a psychologist but I have been seeing psychologists all my life and consistently saw someone for 7 years and it hasn’t helped yet so idk what magic he is expecting, he also thinks meds helped me which they absolutely did not and are pretty much the reason my eating disorder is so terrible right now. They are nearly killed me but he always chooses to ignore that. He just does not get what is going on and think I am just not trying hard enough. 

 

On a seperate but similiar note it seems my family really does not give a single shit about how I am feeling and are perfectly ok to do something that they know full well causes me extreme distress while expecting me to just be fine and not get upset with them. My mum think my eating disorder is just a lack of willpower and me not wanting to try, she also thinks that she shouldn’t have to try and respect my boundaries because I am not normal and she shouldn’t have to do something when i should just be more normal. My dad just doesn’t say anything anytime I try and talk about something with my mum she says she is too tired or changes the subject my sister doesn’t understand. No matter how loud I scream no one will ever hear it and no one will ever help because I am not worth it and they would all much rather I was not in their way. I guess I have to decided if staying here is worth it or not. This is never going to get better.