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Re: I am having a hard time

@Maddy-RO @MB95  thanks, running is not something I can do. It is not just like a feeling that no where is safe literally no where is safe. Because I am not this is the wrong place and everyone here isn’t really a real person they just look like people but they aren’t and they can get into my head and they are always watching me and trying to do things to me so I give them what they want but if I do that or something bad will happen but they will keep me here and torment me here for the rest of forever or until I give them what they want. Everywhere I go they are there and they are watching and waiting and if I do anything bad or that they don’t want I get punished. Even people on here are probably not people just more of them listening trying to see if I have let my guard down. There is no where that is safe and I can’t I am trying to keep in their lines but it is hard and I am tired and everything keeps changing around me and I really don’t know I did screw everything up and I am stuck here now because of my screwing up. 

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Re: I am having a hard time

That's understandable @Eden1717 and I wish things weren't so difficult for you and you had a safe place. When you say they will torment you until you give them what they want, what is it that they want? Are you able to share? And when they get into your head what sorts of things do they say to you? I'm just interested that's all. I understand if you don't feel safe sharing but I really would love to hear if you feel comfortable. Also wondering how and what sorts of things they do to punish you? You are so strong to be able to deal with all of this on your own whilst also supporting others. You really are.

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Re: I am having a hard time

Aw @Eden1717 

 

The fear you're experiencing really comes through in your words here. My heart is going out to you. I can't imagine how exhausted you're feeling right now, with everything you've had to handle over the past few weeks and what you've described here. What I do know for sure is that you are one of the most resilient young people I have come across. 

 

Thinking of you and hope to hear from you today if you're feeling up to it Heart 

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Re: I am having a hard time

@MB95  I can’t answer those questions. 

@Bre-RO  Thanks.

 

I am still feeling terrible but now I am scared cause I was stupid and sent something to my psych and I know they will ask about it and don’t want them to because I can’t answer the questions that they will have. I keep doing stupid things, i am so tired I didn’t sleep much and I am so stressed about everything and I want to cry and I can’t I want to scream and I need I cant take all of this. I really don’t know. 

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Re: I am having a hard time

Hi @Eden1717,

That sounds really upsetting and stressful Smiley Sad It can be such a sinking feeling when you realise you have made a mistake. I can tell that it is causing you a significant amount of worry at the moment. I hope that it goes okay when you do have that chat with them.

You have a lot going on so it is understandable that you are feeling a lot of effects from that.. which I am sorry to hear about because it can just make things a lot more difficult. Heart
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Re: I am having a hard time

@Taylor-RO  No it isn’t just nervous I really shouldn’t have sent that email and now I am going to ruin everything again and there is no way to unexplain that I am this is really bad I am not I can’t everything is a mess and I don’t know what to do or how to do it and now ugh I this is not ok

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Re: I am having a hard time

Hey @Eden1717 

 

I'm hearing that this email has got you feeling really panicked. Would you feel comfortable telling me a little more about what you said? Just so we can support you better, if it's not something you'd like to share that is also okay Heart 

 

You mentioned feeling like this is not okay. I want you to know even the trickiest situations eventually pass. We are here to listen to you in the meantime. 

 

 

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Re: I am having a hard time

I'm sorry to hear you feel like sending your psych an email wasn't the right thing to do. I'm not sure what you wrote but am hoping you might be able to share a little with us? And I think it's a good thing you emailed him/her? I know you've struggled alot with them in the past but maybe the fact you're emailing them when you need someone to talk to is a good thing and a way of making progress? I know it can be scary and you might often regret sending what you sent. I struggle on the odd occasion I message my psych and go into fill blown panic and get scared because I know she'll want to bring it up and I just wish i never sent it in the first place. So maybe its just nerves and this could actually be a good thing? I hope you're doing okay try not to be so hard on yourself! You're doing really well ❤

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Re: I am having a hard time

Ugh I am so fed up my sister is always criticizing others for things she does herself and telling people even if they are trying really hard they have to try harder just so they don’t inconvenience her. Like she isn’t the only person who has feelings she isn’t the only one who is freaking exhausted all the time and she isn’t the only one who likes things to be her way. She got mad at me and and told me that I should be more careful even though I said it was an accident and she just say be more careful like I know but I didn’t even know that I did it because it was a freaking accident and what was it that I did that was so horrible to her I left a tiny little SPOT of something pink on the kitchen bench it was like a quarter of the dive of a 5c piece! It was dark and I obviously didn’t freaking see it but instead of turning on the light because she always complains about lights being on when she is trying to sleep even though she will sleep are 2pm and say you can’t even make a sound to wake her I left the light off and now it is my fault for not trying hard enough to be considerate of her needs. 

 

She he does this all the freaking time and never gets called out for it but she will leave hair in the shower and her stuff everywhere and that is fine ugh I am so fed up if it is that bad just clean it herself. She just refuses to accept that other people make mistakes and that you don’t have to be angry when someone is trying but fails, then she has the hide to criticize others for what they do and them not being perfect when she isn’t even working or studying or even really looking for work. Ugh I am so freaking mad. 

 

 

@Bre-RO @MB95 I don’t want to say what I said to my psychologist because I shouldn’t have said it and she still doesn’t get it anyway I literally spent 5 mins telling her how mental health professionals always make assumptions that are very wrong about my motives for doing things and then she spends the next 20 mins doing exactly that and making wrong assumptions.  Like I have tried to spell things out clearly for this woman but she doesn’t get it she never freaking gets it no one ever fucking gets it. I am so sick of it and so freaking angry why can’t people just stop and realize that I am not freaking ok and that their stupid suggestions aren’t freaking helpful (I am not talking about reach out just in general) like how many time do I have to scream before someone actually hears it how many times do I have to cry before people realize that they have hurt me. I don’t bother people I try my best to keep out of everyone’s way I try not to take people’s time but it is still always my fault everything is always my fault. My fault for ‘not being normal’ my fault for being ‘sensitive’ my fault for expressing my opinion, my fault for existing, my freaking fault for ‘not trying’. I know that I am not how people want me to be I know that but I try to make my existence the least difficult I can for them but it is never enough. Don’t they understand that I hate myself too don’t they get that I don’t like it either if I could be how they wanted it would be easier but I am not and I have tried to change that but I can’t and I can’t take back being born. These prosay they want to help they say they are there to listen but they never do either of those things they just blame me and tell me my own damn feelings are wrong. 

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Re: I am having a hard time

Hey @Eden1717

 

It sounds like you're having a really tough time with your sister at the moment, which really sucks. Living with our family can be really hard sometimes, especially if our ideals, values, and beliefs are at odds with each other. I'm really glad that you've been able to vent! Sometimes even if we can't change the situation, it can be really relieving to just to have a space to say what you feel freely, without having to feel like you have to justify your feelings. 

 

I'm also really sorry to hear that it's been a struggle to deal with some of the mental health professionals you've worked with.It can be incredibly disappointing when we putt our time and energy in trying to explain ourselves, only to feel ignored by those who should be trying to listen to us. I was wondering if you've had any experience in peer support groups? Sometimes it can be a lot easier to explain how you are feeling to someone who has experienced similar things.